Wednesday, December 29, 2010

33 Weeks

I thought it would take forever to hit the 30 something week mark!  Now it seems like time won't slow down and Lucy will be here before I know it....and I am panicky.  Excited, but panicky.

How far along:33 weeks :-)  At my growth scan last week they said she was measuring almost 2 weeks ahead though, and she is just about 5 pounds already!  Holy Moly! 

Best Moment This Week:
We passed Christmas and it was so nice having everyone get together, on both my side and Josh's side.  Everyone keeps talking about how different next year is going to be, with a 10 month old at Christmas.  I got to do a lot of daydreaming about that, so that was nice.  I also am on Christmas break from school, and now that I have to have weekly Non-Stress Tests due to high blood pressure, my blood pressure has been the lowest its ever been since 14 weeks.  Maybe my crazy job has something to do with it. 

This is a hard one, because Lucy is so big now that she literally squishes my insides.  I have to eat in very small increments or I feel so awful.  I am Christmas cookied out...and I haven't really enjoyed sweets this holiday season as much as I usually do.  I ate a veggie pizza the other day that was to die for...and I have been enjoying salad with Italian dressing...but eating is usually painful now! 

What I miss:
Hmm...sleeping normally.  And not having to go to the doctor so much!  I go once a week now to see the doctor and have a Non-Stress Test.  I feel like I live there! lol.  I can't get comfortable at night so I flop around a lot, I keep my poor husband awake.  But...this is all worth it. I don't sleep very well because on one of my NSTs, I was laying on my side and Lucy was on her cord, I saw her heart rate drop very suddenly on the monitor and I got very now I wake up multiple times when I realize I am on my sides....

What I'm looking forward to:
Maternity leave!  lol.  My showers are  also January 9th and 16th, so I am really looking forward to those, and I really want time to get organized and ready for LuLu.   I need to practice installing the car seat.  We also signed up for birthing classes, so I am kinda excited about those, and I am looking into a breastfeeding course.  I am just looking forward to being a mommy!

Well, I am a heck of a lot more anxious lately.  I am tired a lot...crabby due to lack of sleep.  If anything, I just keep getting more and more excited.  I was a bit sad this Christmas, so many people were telling me that next year will be so different, playing Santa and all of that, and I couldn't help thinking of my precious Gabriel, and how I should have been doing that stuff already.  It made me feel robbed all over again. 

Weekly Wisdom:
I am not wisdomatic this week.  I am on holiday break, so I turned my brain off on purpose, lol!

Anything Else to Share:
I finally went out to the cemetery for baby Gabe.  We left him a stuffed elephant.  We didn't stay long, but it felt wonderful going.  I never thought I would have to go to a cemetery to visit one of my children.  It is still so surreal sometimes.  I feel like I am healing though, and with Lucy coming, I do want to strengthen my relationship with God....I don't want to be so mad at Him sometimes, especially since I have been finally blessed with Lucy.  I am working on it. 

Sunday, November 28, 2010

28 it February yet????

How far along:

28 weeks :-)  Officially in my 3rd trimester!

Best Moment This Week:
I guess since today is Sunday, I can reflect on last week here...
I had a couple GREAT moments this week. 
1) We registered for baby Lucy.  I was so excited to get up that day, get coffee with my husband, and just spend the day looking at stuff that we wanted for our little LuLu.  We went on Wednesday, which was my first day of Thanksgiving Furlough, so I had no school to think about...just thoughts of our daughter and I have to admit, I was excited to just be spending the day with Josh...after almost 11 years together, I get giddy at the thought of being alone with him on any sort of date.  I think the registering went well, we decided to only register at BabiesRus, with the idea that people can look and see what we want and then they are free to shop around wherever they choose.  In true teacher fashion, I researched and made lists of things that I wanted and that I thought were "must-haves," but when we started out in the breast pump/infant care section, I will admit that I was overwhelmed.  Refer to my "Emotions" sections for my anxieties! At one point, a really nice lady came up to me and said that I should go and get something to eat, then come back.  She said that when she registered, she started crying in the middle and had to come back.  Now, I hope I didn't look like I was going to burst into tears, but it was for sure, more overwhelming than I thought it would be.  But overall, I was just thankful to be there, 28 weeks pregnant, feeling my daughter kick and squirm, picking out things especially for her.
2) My second best moment of the week was yesterday at the movies.  My husband and I went out to see a movie and as we sat down, an older couple, probably a bit older than our parents' age, were sitting a few seats down.  When the movie started, Josh leaned into me and squeezed my arm.  He said, "that's us in 50 years, Meg."  I asked him what made him say that, and he said, "Because that man just told his wife, 'I am so happy to be here with you' and I know I will be saying the same thing to you at the movies in 50 years."
It was just a sweet thing for Josh to observe and say.  I do love him so much. 

Cravings/Aversions:I am craving anything with marinara sauce- so pasta, pizza, breads that I can dip into it, anything. 

What I miss:Pajamas that fit.  I outgrew a lot of my pjs, so I have been wearing my husbands, and then I feel frumpy.  Yesterday after the movie I made him take me to the maternity store so that I could buy some maternity pjs.  I finally was comfortable lounging around the house last night! 

What I'm looking forward to:This week, I am looking forward to getting some addresses together and to start doing some shower planning with my mom.  With the holidays upon us, I know that shower time will be here very quickly!  I just want to plan something really relaxed, and have a good time with family and friends.  I am also looking forward to a coffee date with my friend Corey on Thursday-just to catch up for one, and for two, she is planning on being LuLu's nanny so I can't wait to start talking plans!

Emotions:I am feeling anxious about a few things...specifically, car seats, strollers, and breast pumps.  How in the world do you operate those contraptions?  At BabiesRus, I tried playing with a stroller, and I thought I broke the darn thing.  Then, when I saw the car seat I wanted, I couldn't figure out how to make it fit into the stroller that it apparently went with.  Finally, I had to find an employee, who did it in 2.5 seconds and then said, "see, its really easy."  WHAT?  I couldn't recreate the folding, propping, and hooking. 
Fast forward to putting my niece's car seat into my car this weekend.  I had to have my sister hook it in, and then my dad check it out, because I didn't know if the darn thing was stable.  With all the straps, hooks, and clips, how in the world do these things fit into a car?  I don't even have a heated garage to practice in, so I am getting more nervous about car seats too.
And finally, breast pumps.  The aisle at the baby store had a million parts for them- milk bags, storage units, nipple pads, plastic nipple things that looked scary, and all sorts of other contraptions that go with the pumps.  Look, at this point, the only accessory my boobs are used to is a to go from just a bra to millions of parts that will apparently hang off my nipples is freaky-deaky to me.  I am still getting used to the idea that Lucy will be benefiting from them and that my sex life will be on the decline the entire time, as Josh observes the real reasons my boobs exist- not for him, but for babies. 

Weekly Wisdom:
Kids cost money.  I didn't really realize that until we registered and when I went today to purchase more nursery furniture that was on sale.  Holy Moly, I need a raise!

Anything Else to Share:A dear friend of mine emailed me and got me thinking.  She asked if expecting Lucy made the ache for Gabriel a little less noticeable.  It really got me thinking.

Sometimes, I get so excited and thankful for Lucy, that I can go days without thinking of him.  I guess on those days, the ache doesn't hurt me as much.  But then, there are other days.  Last Monday a particular song came on the radio that reminded me of Gabe, and I just started bawling in my car.  It didn't matter that Lucy was kicking me the entire time, my baby boy wasn't there with me.  Another time, I had this need to just go out to the cemetery and see his resting spot...and the urge came out of nowhere.  I plan to go see his spot next weekend.  So I guess the answer to the question is yes and no.  It really does depend on the moment I am living.  I get so inspired by people who carved pumpkins and made stockings with their angel's names on them, and I think to myself, should I be doing this for Gabriel?  I wish I could, but I think the hurt is still bad enough that I can't bring myself to do it.  If his stuff wasn't in the closet, if his name was all over the place with no body, I think I would ache more, not less.   I do ultimately want to ache less...celebrate the angel watching over me, and not grieve my loss.  There are some moments like the moment in the car last Monday, where it felt like he was taken from me that day.  Some wounds just never heal completely, no matter how hard Lucy kicks. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

26 weeks

How Far Along:

26 weeks :-)

Best Moment This Week:
Aurora stayed with me this weekend.  Aurora is my 4 year old niece.  She and I played Barbies and baked cookies, and played games.  The whole time I was enjoying her I kept thinking, I will get to do this with Lucy!
I placed the pasta on the back burner this past grocery shopping trip in order to be more healthy.  So instead I baked a cauliflower/broccoli casserole and then...smothered it with cheese.  So..I am still working on the healthy thing.  I do crave more veggies and salad. 
What I miss:
Pet Supplies Plus, my old retail job.  I never thought I would say that, but the stress at work keeps getting to me.  I love being a teacher, but working where I work is taking its toll.  I had to take a sick day a week or so ago because I just couldn't face any more stress that the administration keeps laying on.  I get panic attacky when I think about that place, and if I actually lived in an area that valued the work that GOOD teachers do, then maybe I would have options.  But unfortunately, my profession isn't that valued in these economic times and I feel stuck.  I miss being able to work a 9-5 and be home...stress free.  God Bless America's teachers. 
What I'm looking forward to:
This week, to destress, I am leaving at my contracted time, 3:30.  To know me is to know that I work til 5:30 and I barely take work home after that, except for on weekends.  But being in that place is killing me.  So I am going to work from home and see if I enjoy the job better this week.  I love my kids, but the admin is too I am hoping working for my kids in my comfy sweats at home after school will bring them a happier teacher!
I am getting excited just thinking about Lucy and what she will look like.  I am sad because I thought I could take 9 weeks off of work and it looks like they are going to hold me to the strict 6 week rule.  I am panicking about money a little...
Weekly Wisdom:
Family is the greatest.  I really love my family and cling to them for everything.  I had a great time being with family this weekend and I don't want to take any of that time for granted.  I am really lucky to have what I have.
Anything Else to Share:
Sometimes I wish I didn't have a male doctor.  I was really embarrassed of these stretch marks when he lifted my shirt at my appointment this week.  I know, they have seen it all, but still....

Sunday, October 24, 2010

My Weekly Update -Hope I am not too boring!

How Far Along:

23 weeks :-) (or 24 if you go by Lucy's last measurements..but I am going by my original due date.) 

Best Moment This Week:
Thursday was fall Open House for our school and it was a meet the parents night.  I had some students come in and introduce me to their parents.  When they introduced me, they would point at my stomach and say "and that is Lucy."  It was great to hear!  Sometimes my students are pretty cool. 

Same.  I went to the Spaghetti Warehouse this week for some good old fashioned spaghetti and meatballs.  yummmmmmmmmo.  This week I am trying new things with my spaghetti, like chili mac one night this week.  Same noodles, just different 
What I miss:
Not to get too personal, but I miss my husband!  Now that Lucy is moving a lot, I have become an official mommy to him.  Get my drift?  haha.  I guess its hard to be romantic with the baby permanently in the room right
What I'm looking forward to:
After work this week, all I keep thinking about is maternity leave :-)  I actually am getting really excited about November coming, because that means the holidays are upon us, and I love holiday season.  Josh has also been getting Friday nights off lately so we have actually been having date night.  This past Friday was his pick so we went to a hockey game- this week is my pick, and I am not sure yet what I want to do.  Maybe coffee and the bookstore- kinda cozy. 
I am not jealous or an attention diva...but I have been getting mad when the conversation turns to others when I am talking about Lucy.  I just want those moments to be mine and hers alone. 
Weekly Wisdom:
Avoid stress.  Stress equals extreme heartburn.  Buy antacids.  I never have them in the house and boy, I have needed them lately.

Anything Else to Share:
In my fight to battle the purple stretchmark epidemic, I succomed to finally pouring foundation all over my belly in hopes it would make me look more attractive...(see What I Miss.....) What happened?  Well, nothing in that department for sure, and I just had clothes that seem to be permanently stained nude.  Hmmm...the battle continues. 

Sunday, October 17, 2010

We have a Lucy!

How Far Along:

22 weeks :-)

Best Moment This Week:

We found out the gender!  We are having a little girl!  Lucy Ann Kosakowski :-) 


Same..pasta, pasta, pasta.  Oh, and McDonald's breakfast.  I was really good this week though and snacked on a lot of carrots so that I didn't go overboard on pasta. 
What I miss:

I actually want to really work out.  I have been missing that, believe it or not. 
What I'm looking forward to:

Putting the nursery together.  I already cleaned out the room and have ordered her crib bedding set.  It is so cute, pink elephants and flowers.  Josh's dad was here this morning to look at the room and I think he is going to primer it this weekend so we can paint it the appropriate colors, pink and beige.  Its fun to plan...I have never reached this stage before. 


I am thrilled this week.  I have been on cloud 9.  I have a new outlook on a lot of things!

Weekly Wisdom:

Stop setting myself up for disappointment by not creating delusions of grandeur.  Josh was wonderful when we found on the gender, but then I was picking at every little when we went shopping to buy Lucy a present and he really wasn't looking, just following me around, I got mad.  Why wasn't he more into all this "Daddy's Little Girl," stuff?  I harped on him and created a fight, and our night was ruined.  I just need to back off and not romanticize how "things are supposed to go."  And just let them be. 

Anything Else to Share:

Well, I thanked God for a healthy girl.  Not that I wouldn't have been ecstatic with a healthy boy, but a girl makes my experience with Gabriel so much more real.  I know its real, but now, its for sure real that I have a daughter, and I had a son.  I was worried that if the baby was a boy, with my due dates being so similar that people (and maybe even myself) would just trade my experience with Gabriel with the new baby boy- like I got what I had, only a year later.  I don't know if I am making any sense here, but I hope you get the gist of what I mean.  Instead, with Lucy, its undeniable that she is different, not only in gender but in experience.  A girl makes Gabe's existence that much more of a reality.  He is going to be a big brother! 

Sunday, October 10, 2010

A Walk to Remember

Yesterday was the annual Remembrance Walk in my area to honor those babies who are not with us.  On a whim, I sent in Gabriel's name and asked my sister and mom to come along and just see what the walk was about.

Although it wasn't a "walk,"  more like a very short-round the bend to get to the ceremony site- type of walk, it was still nice.  The ceremony made me cry at a couple of parts, and it caught me off guard.  It was so nice to honor Gabriel.  I do think about Gabriel every single day, but it was so nice to see his name in print in the program and just honor him.  It was also comforting to look around and see so many people who have experienced what I had experienced.  And a lot of them had new babies, so again, it gave me hope.  It was like going to the funeral that I never had for my son. 

Well, I hit 21 weeks!  I promised myself that when I hit 20 weeks successfully, I would be a better mom to this baby and record things and take belly pictures.  While surfing other blogs, Stephanie, who is Vayden's mommy, inspired me to record in a list form.  I thought what she was doing on her blog was really neat, so I thought I would emulate.  She is after all, the reason I blog.  Stephanie continues to inspire me!

How Far Along:
21 weeks :-)

Best Moment This Week:
I always have anxiety about baby movement, like I am not feeling something enough.  I talked to Josh about it a lot this week, about becoming so paranoid that something is wrong.  Well, both Saturday and this morning, alone in the quiet, baby was so active, kicking away.  I think my baby is telling me, "slow down, Mom, and you would feel me more!"

I want spaghetti all of the time.  I could eat the noodles plain, with marinara or meatballs or meatsauce or pesto..I don't care, but all I want is spaghetti.  In fact, talking about it makes me want it more.  As far as aversions go, I still am not into Mexican as much, like with Gabriel I wanted Taco Bell all of the time, and with this little one, I haven't touched the stuff.  I do enjoy a lot of chips and salsa though.

We find out Tuesday!  I have no idea!  I can't wait!

What I miss:
This is easy.  I had a stressful work week.  This week I wanted margaritas and wine like no other!  I had to settle for chocolate.

What I'm looking forward to:
This week, we find out if this baby is a Lucy or a Chet, so I am really excited to order my baby bedding, so that we can match up a paint sample and start really working on the nursery.  Has anyone used Baby SuperMall online?  I found some great deals on that web site..

I get pretty irratible still...and exhausted easily.  I feel like a failure if I can't get enough accomplished, whereas when I wasn't pregnant I just accepted the fact that I wasn't superwoman..this week I wanted to be Superwoman...

Weekly Wisdom:
I have to take care of me first.  I was working a lot of 14 hour days this week, and I was so tired and busy that I couldn't remember if I even had any water or took my folic acid.  I have to take care of me, and quit work by matter what.

Anything Else to Share:
I am currently dealing with the dreaded purple stretchmark epidemic.  I keep using lotion like crazy, but they are there...that really freaks me out, because it makes me feel yucky.  I ordered some stuff from Avon in order to help me with this problem!  :-) 

Saturday, October 2, 2010

One Year in Heaven

A year ago today, Gabriel was born.

He died one year ago yesterday.

I can't believe its been a year already.

Sometimes I feel bad, like I am not acting right.  I am sure being pregnant successfully helps, but it doesn't take the pain away some days, when I know I should be toting Gabriel around with me.  I do things that are still grief not record things for this baby I am carrying.   I know I will regret it, but every time I sit down to record things in the belly book or take of picture of my belly, something stops me, and I am sure its the fear of something going wrong and having to stuff all of those memories in a box, tuck them deep inside of me where no one can see.

That day of shoving Gabriel's stuff in a memory box about killed me, so I am sure that is why I am not doing anything but trying to enjoy this pregnancy while I have it.

That day, I changed.  And I haven't changed all the way back yet, although time did bring a sense of calm, but not understanding.  "Time can heal what reason cannot."    Somewhat. 

Today is going to be a quiet day.  Its gloomy and grey, similar to how it was when my son was born.  I get very defensive that people don't remember.  Like Gabriel was a miscarriage.  He wasn't a miscarriage, but I lost him so early, people think it was.  And even if he was, "just", as I heard people say, why does that make him any less important? That infuriates me.  Gabriel isn't really treated like a baby that was born into a family.  I don't know what to do about my feelings about that.

Next weekend, my mom, sis, and I are going to do a Remembrance Walk in honor of babies gone too soon.  It is being held at a nice flower garden park in the area.  I am going to wear an elephant necklace, as people bring tokens of remembrance for their babies.

Baby Gabriel,

I think of you everyday, always will.  I feel your baby brother or sister squirming inside of me, and I can't help but mourn the fact that I never felt you.  I did see you though, sweet baby.  I can imagine how you are going to spend your day, cuddling up with a story that Grandma Mary is reading you, or sitting on a comfy cloud with other angel babies.   Maybe you are looking down on me and your daddy.  We are always looking up at the clouds and the stars, thinking of you.  It has been one year, and although you come to me in different ways and tell me its going to be alright, I still seek peace and understanding.  You were a love of my life, baby boy.  I will never forget holding you a year ago today, and I take comfort in the fact that as I was holding your earthly body, Jesus, our Lord, was holding you and me at the same time. 
I love you,

Sunday, August 29, 2010


     Yesterday, my friend Darlene had a graduation party since she just received her Masters degree from EMU.  I see Darlene only a few times a year, but when she does have get togethers, I recognize the same people who gather with her, as Dar has been in my life for about 10 years now.  Last year, Darlene had a engagement party, same location, same set up, same music, same time of year as this year's grad party.  365 days ago, I went to the engagement party and sat with Dar's friend Sara, who was pregnant, due in February, and I myself was pregnant with Gabriel, due in March. 
     Now, a whole year later, I sat with Sara again, only she was holding Ryan, her 6 and a half month old.  I sat empty handed.  It was that moment that I missed Gabriel so much.  I miss him all the time, but there are some days where I still feel that ache, even if I do have a healthy little one inside of me.  Sitting next to Sara, my eyes were fixated on Ryan, and again I felt my own loss.
     When I first lost Gabriel, I kept thinking that a new and healthy pregnancy would be the cure all end all to this pain.  Well, now I finally have it, and I can tell you for sure, and many of you already know this, that it is not the cure all end all.  Last night was proof of that.
    I continue to pray that God takes care of me and this baby inside of me, and that February gets here so quick.  Each doctor appt brings anxiety and fear, and I am not enjoying that at all.  Once I get to 20 weeks with a healthy anatomy scan, I think I will relax more.  I am 15 weeks 3 days now.  40 weeks seems like an eternity away, especially when I live with all this fear.  I know how easily babies can be taken away....

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I have given this a lot of thought, as I have noticed that a lot of people who are pregnant decide to start new blogs and dedicate the original blog solely to the babes who the blogs were created for.  I have thought about it, and with every thought of this baby, Gabriel is always there in thought too.  So I have decided that I will just have one blog, this one, as Gabriel is looking out for me and his little sister or brother.

In fact, I haven't done much recording at all this pregnancy, something I will surely regret later on.  I just can't bring myself to get that excited yet.  I mean, I have all the reason in the world to be excited...3 GREAT ultrasounds, and so far, no cysts found on the baby, which sent me and Josh over the moon, but I don't fully believe that I will get to bring this baby home yet.  Josh and I are always talking about this baby ever so cautiously, and its something that a lot of people do not understand, unless, God forbid, they have had a loss.  I don't want to disappoint myself or others if I am ever, God forbid, told that there is no heartbeat.  Before every ultrasound, I can't sleep.  I get transported right back to that day when we found out Gabe was gone.  I constantly look at my stomach, to see if she's growing.  Its hard to tell, I definitely look different and have a tiny belly, but I want to make sure.  I don't want to get a dopplar, like so many people suggest, because if I can't find that heartbeat, I know I will flip.  I just want to get to a point, where I can actually believe it. 

I know you all understand. 

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It is time for an update

Sorry I have been MIA, I don't know if any of you remember, but I was on a 3 week trip with my little sister that began in Seattle.  We then road-tripped it to Yellowstone National Park, Grand Teton National Park, Little Bighorn, Devil's Tower, Rapid City, South Dakota to see my older sis, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse (kinda, from the road) and then finally home.  It was a great experience to see the things that I really have only seen in textbooks before.

Before I left on June 27th, I found out weeks prior that I am pregnant.  I am 9 weeks and 4 days today, and have already had 2 ultrasounds..and so far, so good.  Yesterday, I saw her move.  And they saw no of yet, even though we aren't out of the woods yet, as my doc said.  Yep, I called the baby a 'her" only because this pregnancy has been so different from Gabriel's.  I have so many food aversions that my nutrition is coming from oatmeal, lunchables, pasta salad with no veggies, pineapple, bagels and cream cheese or peanut butter, and french fries.  That is pretty much it.  I went to the grocery store the other day and thought I was going to get sick there in the middle of the store.  With Gabriel, I felt GREAT, I only had a chicken aversion. Of course, my little baby made road-tripping a bit difficult, making Mommy so sick, but I didn't care.

I have already started showing a little...a bit disturbing to me that it was so

Before my ultrasound yesterday, it was still hard for me to believe that she was going to be alive when I got checked out.  I barely slept.  But after hearing a lot of encouraging words from ultrasound tech and doc yesterday, I feel good.  I feel hopeful, I feel positive.  They said my baby was perfect.  I pray she stays that way. 

In fact, that is why I am updating my blog today, ready to announce that I am pregnant, and I hope Feb 18th gets here quick!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Dear Gabriel,

Dear my precious baby,

     This evening, I was on the computer doing things for my other "kids," you know, the students, and I looked out my office window and watched the family across the street.  They are the cutest little family, a mommy, a daddy, and two girls about your cousins' Aurora's and Scarlett's age.  They were playing tag.  Sometimes I am in awe of them, and I try not to stare.  Tonight I wondered, would I be sitting on my porch with you?  Yelling hello to them across the street?  Maybe I would take you over there, and we would meet them. 
     Somedays, I daydream about you a lot, especially when I am doing other things.  For example, yesterday, our puppy Oscar flipped over onto his back for a belly rub.  Your puppy loves those belly rubs!  I rubbed his belly and right then and there, I thought of you.  I daydreamed about you.  I thought, if you were here, sweet baby boy,  I would have you on your play mat in the middle of our living room, and I would be blowing on your belly button, and tickling your toes.  You and Mommy would just laugh and laugh.  Then Daddy would of been jealous of how much Mommy was making your laugh, and he would try to get your nose.  You would laugh so much at Daddy.  That daydream was the best place I have been all week.  All year.  My entire life.   
     On Monday, Daddy and I went to visit you at your place.  We sat there for a really long time, and we didn't say anything, we kept it to ourselves.  My heart was so warm, I knew you were there with us.  Mommy felt bad, because I couldn't find a tiny elephant to leave there for you, but I am still looking.  I thought about taking the baby elephant figurine off of the top of our entertainment center, the one that goes with the momma elephant...but I didn't want to separate them.  As silly as it sounds, when I look at that figurine, I think of you and me. 
     This past week, you had your 8 month birthday in heaven.  Although time has flown by, there hasn't been a day that Mommy and Daddy haven't thought about you, loved you, and wanted you with us.  We talk about you all of the time.  We think you would have Daddy's chin, and Mommy's dark hair, and of course, Daddy's charm.  You would have had both of your grandmothers' hearts wrapped around your tiny finger for sure.  And as much as everyone would want to hold you, Mommy would never want to let you go.  You are for sure, Mommy's little man.
     Can you feel our kisses that we send up to Heaven?  There are somedays when I am just driving, or talking, or resting, and all of a sudden, I get a feeling.  And I know its you saying hello.  Hello, my baby.

Always loving you, always thinking of you, always missing you,




Sunday, May 30, 2010

Released from Prison

I wanted to thank Katy, Dawn, and Andrea for your nice words of encouragement.  Its so nice to know that I have you ladies to lean on.

Well, last month, I took everything pretty hard.   The weekend after, I emailed my family and said that I just wanted no contact with anyone, that I wanted to be alone and just sleep my sorrow away.  Josh was supportive, encouraging me to rent movies and have a "Meg" weekend.  I slept so much.  It felt really good.  On Sunday, Josh took me to the cemetary where Gabriel is buried with all the other babies who were born before 20 weeks.  It is really nice.  And it has a really nice plaque that has a quote on it about being very much wanted and loved.  When we go back out there, I will take a picture of it.  

I always write at the end of each cycle that doesn't work out that I am done and that I will take a laid back approach, and every month, we try and try and I get upset.  After much reflection, I need to stick to my words!  By now, I am used to not being pregnant.  I need to live my life as so, and maybe, just maybe, it will take me by surprise.

So, Josh and I decided that we aren't going to prevent, but we aren't going to time everything out either.  We are just going to be in love with one another, and if that results in a baby someday, great. 

I am concentrating on other things, primarily, the end of the school year, and the planning of our vacation out to Seattle, where I will be helping my younger sis and her two toddlers move home to Dayton.  I am excited about driving cross-country, and seeing a part of the country I have never seen before.  We are also organizing our house, and we have been having a fun time organizing our finances, as crazy as that sounds.  We are still broke but are on our way to getting out of debt.  I have been enjoying my last few weeks with the kids I do have, 75 high-schoolers who I absolutely adore, and the 9 seniors that I will miss so much.  With so much to think about and do, I can honestly tell you that I have not paid any attention to ovulation signs, I don't know how many days past ovulation I am, and I don't even care if we were together at the time when it counts.  I am starting to feel....back to normal. 

I will never forget my son.  Tomorrow, we will go out to the cemetery and leave him a flower...I am trying to find a tiny elephant figurine to leave there.  A lot of the times, if I think really hard, I can remember how I felt almost a year ago July 8th, when I found out I was going to have him.  Thoughts of Gabriel warm my heart.  So, even though I feel released from this Trying to Conceive prison I have been in since Novemeber, Gabriel is only a thought away, a smile away, a prayer away.  I love him.  He will help us take this journey one step at a time. 

No more trying to conceive.  Just trying to live. 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Is He listening?

No matter how hard I pray...I am not getting a baby...again.

This time it was a horrible I did get a positive test.  It did say Pregnant. cycle started.  I felt myself unraveling again, as this was the same case as my ectopic...I was told to wait and see and test again when it stopped.  It was negative.  Explaination?  "Chemical Pregnancy"  where the body recognizes you as pregnant, but can't implant like it should and results in a normal cycle.  Its common I guess. It is classified as an early miscarriage or non-existant pregnancy.

I got to be excited a total of one day.

I can't do this anymore.  I am going to stop. 

Monday, May 3, 2010

Amazing Love Already Exists!

We are almost upon it...Testing Time again...third cycle of trying. 

I have been proud of myself.  I stuck to my word and I didn't go all crazy this cycle.  No ovulation kits, no thermometer.  No worries.  We didn't really even try all that often, we let ourselves be tired.  So...this month is probably a bust, and I am okay with that, really.

I ran into a great friend of mine yesterday.  What a fluke and a half that was!  Jenny has been my pal since high school and is currently a missionary in Mexico.  She lost her baby back in February at 11 weeks gestation or so.  I think I mentioned her on here before. 

Anyway, so I went to the grocery store yesterday, and on my way home decided to stop at Fashion Bug to see what the latest sale was, and out pops Jenny.  She was only in town for 22 hours!  Popping in at her home church.  We were so excited to see eachother, and of course the inevitable discussion of babies came up.  She said the most amazing thing to me.

"Jon (her hubby) and I are perfectly happy and in love without a baby, adding a baby would mean being able to share our incredible love with someone else, and if that doesn't happen, then we won't be any less in love or happy, we might even find another way to share that amazing love."

Wow.  Left me speechless and my heart warmed.  Sometimes, I can't remember when the last time we were just Megan and Josh without talking about babies....

Jenny's quote popped into my mind last night when Josh and I were talking about our future pregnancy that we are trying so hard for.  Getting pregnant doesn't seem to be the biggest hurdle..there are questions about growing in my tube again, and is the bowel going to form properly and not cause another fatal cyst...will we actually get to hold this baby in our arms?  I started to get panicky because he was right..getting pregnant seems like a small hurdle in comparison to those questions...then I thought of Jenny. 

All we can do is love eachother, and try to get there, and if not, we have to be okay with that too, no matter how hard the journey.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Laid Back Approach

I threw away my thermometer...and refuse to buy ovulation kits.

Who cares anyways.

I got so upset and bitter last month.  Its not healthy. 

So I am going to go back to living my life...pre-Gabriel.  Although, sometimes, it's hard.  Like on Sunday, for example, when my husband and I were drinking coffee and reading the morning paper, he looked at me and said, "what would the baby be doing right now, if he were here?  Would he be in his swing?"

I am going to the gym a lot now, and running.  It feels good, to feel my chest burn, and to feel like I am physically running from it all,  instead of feeling like I want to run away, and can't go anywhere.  I feel like if I obsess about my weight or something, I won't obsess about Gabe not being here, or that I am not pregnant yet.  Problem is, I get home from working out, and I am so hungry, I feel like I am binge eating.  Yeah, I have to nip that in the bud. 

Some days, I miss being pregnant so much. 

Apparently, Josh's whole family have been out to the cemetery to visit Gabe's gravesite, or the gravesite where Toledo Hospital buries the babies who are under 20 weeks.  Josh says he goes out there on his way to work.  Josh's dad goes.  His mom and grandma went. 

I have never gone.   Nor, do I want to, and I think that is strange.  Maybe I am scared that I will break down, seeing such a place that houses so much sadness, so many dreams that could never be.  One of my blog buddies mentioned having flashbacks, and I do also sometimes.  Like, I remember songs that were playing in my car, when I was driving to get more pregnancy tests, right after I tested positive with Gabriel.  I hear those same songs and think, I remember having butterflies in my stomach, being so excited.  Last week, I wore a shirt to school...the same pink, happy shirt I wore the day before my very first ultrasound.  The ultrasound that changed my life.  I should have given that to goodwill too. 

I have been working late...either at school or at home.  Dedicating my mind to anything that is not baby or baby making.  I feel like a robot. 

I did not know that losing Gabe would change my life this way.  Almost 7 months hurts. 

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Prayers for Beth

I had met a friend on a long time ago when I first posted a question about enlarged fetal bladders.  We have kept up correspondance and she also was pregnant and her baby had a fatal diagnosis.  Evan was born yesterday, and died yesterday as well.

Beth, you have meant a lot to me over the last 6 months, and I hope you know my prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.   Gabriel and Evan are both being held in the arms of God. 

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Keep the Faith?

Its hard. 

Not pregnant, again. 

I know its only been two months of trying, but when we have gotten pregnant right away before, its hard to feel normal, or even positive that it will happen.  And I am sick of trying.  Whoever said trying for kids was fun was off their rocker.  Its excruciating sometimes, and I love my husband, but everything becomes a routine. 

I don't blame my husband for anything, and believe me, last July 8th when I first found out I was pregnant I felt truly blessed...but I can't help but think what my life could have been like, if we would have started trying for kids earlier when I wanted to, in June of 08.   I would have had more opportunities. 

My biggest fear is turning 30 and not having my first child yet.   Although I know 30 isn't old or archaic, I wanted to be a mom at 26, and look at me, I will be 28...and I am childless.  And no where close.  Its depressing...because I can't stop the clock, I can't control my body, I can't control Josh's body, and I feel like I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting, waiting...and I get so sad.  All the time, I am sad and I am wishing for a different life.  One where I selfishly get what I ask for...One where I am rewarded for always doing the right thing...One where it actually works out for me and prayers are answered.  I don't believe in answered prayers anymore, as negative as that sounds, I am a realist.  I once thought this journey was bringing me closer to God, and now...its really pushing me farther and farther away.  I don't understand why His answer is constantly "No."   I don't understand why its okay that I live like this. 

I don't believe that it is going to work out.  Why would I?  Look how everything has turned out so far.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Has it really been 6 months?

I am struggling today.  Gabriel was born six months ago today.  I woke up feeling strange, and crying even, and its odd because I had no idea why.  I knew it was my dog's birthday, and then I thought...why is the 2nd so familiar...oh yeah, Gabriel was born October 2nd...

I never thought I wouldn't have a baby in my arms or in my belly right now.  I don't like this new life plan, where I have no control and I am upset all the time because I can't get what I want.  I don't care if that sounds selfish, it is what it is...I am upset because I want that.  I want a nice healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby.  And I want it now. 

Josh was upset with me because I broke down and took a test 5 days early..and of course, negative, which got me really upset.  I can't keep trying and trying and failing and failing.  Its exhausting.  The wait is excruciating, and I am just getting more bitter. 

A few days ago, I thought I was getting so many symptoms, and now, none.  Coupled with the negative test, I don't believe I am pregnant, again, and I just feel low. 

Please send any positive prayer and energy my way today, boy, do I need it. 

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Once Upon A Time...

I keep thinking about something lately, that once upon a time, a long time ago, Josh and I lived a normal life not even thinking about children or pregnancy.  We worked, we talked, we functioned, and we loved, without a baby being in the front of our minds or the purpose of doing such things.

I want to go back to those days.  It was much simpler and so much less stressful.  Mentally, I think I committed to forgetting and returning to my normal life last month, when I became the lady who disassembled the pregnancy test to see if a line was really there.  It wasn't, and then a day later, I knew for sure that I wasn't pregnant, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

So, I told Josh that with Gabe's 9 months not hanging over my head anymore, its time to move on.  He thought that I meant forget, and he got really upset.  I could never forget, no matter how hard I want to.  But the truth is, I can't go back there, the sweet innocence and excitement of Gabe's arrival.  No pregnancy will ever be the same for me. 

Yesterday I got a positive on my ovulation predictor.  I was excited, because you all know me, I have this need to know that my body is doing what it should.  Then, when Josh and I wanted to take advantage of that, I just was so bitchy and not wanting to take advantage.  He asked why I was so scared. 

It was nice talking about it honestly with him. 
I am scared to not become pregnant again right away, and have him be disappointed like he was last month.. 
I am scared to not become pregnant again and have to live my life in 2 week increments.
I am scared to not become pregnant again and long for it so much that I can't do anything else.
I am scared TO BECOME pregnant again and have it get stuck in my tube, or have another loss.  I can't take another...
I am scared TO BECOME pregnant again, and having to worry each time I use the bathroom, that I may see blood.
I am just scared. 

Today I got a negative reading on the ovulation whats done is done, and all I can do is hope that God takes my hand.  Gabriel taught me that my life is not my own, that I do not have control, and there is no plan for me but God's plan. 
I trust He and my sweet baby boy, will help me through this TTC journey...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What Should Have Been....

Josh and I can't go to bed sometimes without thinking about and talking about what might have been.  Especially this week, as tomorrow is what would have been, Gabriel's due date.

I know it doesn't matter to the majority of people who I know, I mean, some people don't really consider him my baby, but something that didn't grow.  Most people don't even know that he was named.   Even when I was going through the really hard stuff, I don't think I could comprehend how much I could love him, and how much he could influence my everyday life. 

With this day approaching, my body has been failing me.  The terrible migraines, the getting sick.  I can't tell if I am coming down with something or if its the stress of the knowledge that I don't have what should have been.  Tonight I could barely lift my pounding head from the couch pillow.

Last night, I went to sleep crying, just thinking of the fond things I remember, like telling my parents, and Josh's parents.  Last night I imagined things that I can't what would the nursery look like?  Would I have been induced?  Would we be excitedly leaving for the hospital?  Would we have baby stuff strewn about the house?  Would my sisters be flying home?  Would my mom be moving in for a couple days to help? And most importantly, what would he have looked like?  Would he have the Cole chin, or Josh's eyes, would he have dark hair or red hair?  The thoughts of those things make me smile for a second, before the pain gets the better of me.

I never thought I would be sitting here 5 months after Gabe's death and not be pregnant...not be happy.  And I never thought I would have had an ectopic.  Josh keeps telling me that our turn for happiness is right around the corner, he can feel it.  I can't.  I still can't feel anything good. 

Tomorrow I will spend the day thinking of my baby.  I will write him a letter from his mommy, and then Josh and I will be going to dinner at the Elephant Bar.  We thought the choice of restaurant was appropriate. 

I really wish I was in the hospital right now holding him, feeding him, loving him.  The only memory I have of giving birth is bawling my way through it...and wishing to God that I could vanish and have a do over.  I wish I could give birth and have the common, happy, result.  Wow, I would be delirously happy.  Can you all picture me?  When I finally get there?  I will be bawling just because I finally got there...

But I am having a really hard time just wanting him here with me.  The pain just won't stop, no matter how much I try to be a normal person.  I just miss him so much, and the life I should be leading right now.  My mom tries to tell me I am not broken, but I am.  No matter how hard I wish, this defeated feeling just won't let my heart go.   And even though I know that thinking of the "what should have beens" is not healthy, I can't move forward yet.  Maybe I will be able to, after tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Battle Scars

So, if anyone was wondering where I have been, I went to Las Vegas for a few days with my sisters.  The trip was supposed to be my last hoorah with alcohol and caffeine, as we are now actively trying to conceive again.  It was a great time, but it made me very aware of my body....let me explain.

Both my sisters have my mother's genetic makeup, so they have tiny hips and are built pretty tiny build in general.  They are also so short...and then there is me.  I don't think I am gargantuan by any means, but all the pictures next to them, made me a little self-conscious.   So, one night in the shower, I looked down at my own body, and instead of noticing my big hips and thighs, I noticed my battle scars. 

I have two tiny stretch marks from my pregnancy with Gabriel...just to the right of my belly button.

I have my CVS scar from when they wanted to know what was wrong with him, and its located about three fingers down from my belly button.

I have my surgical scar, a small horizontal one, from my second pregnancy, located above my pelvis. 

I have a small scar from my laparascopy, from my second pregnancy, in my belly button.

I have a hole in my heart, located in the center, from both of my pregnancies.

With March coming up, who knows how I will act, or how I will be.  Right now, I feel okay.  I am trying to live like we are conceiving for the first time..not that I can ever forget about my sweet son...but I am trying...who knows, that may go out the window, depending on how long it takes me to have a successful pregnancy.  I keep thinking that if I found out I was pregnant in March, then it would be like Gabriel helping me along somehow..but I don't want to get my hopes up.

March 11th will be the hardest.  That was the first due date.  That is the day that my insides will no longer ache, but my arms will start to.  I am going to try my hardest to get through that day not lying in bed. 

I am just trying to get through...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Resist the Urge

I am grappling with a lot of different feelings lately. 

Each day that passes in February is one day closer to March 11, Gabriel's original due date. 

Each day, I have these thoughts, about, how big I should be, or what the nursery would have looked like, how my baby showers would have went.  Every stressful day at work reminds me that if things would have gone according to my plan, I would only have 2 weeks left before taking a leave of absence for the rest of the school year.

according to my plan.

I originally titled this blog: my new life plan.  Even after Gabriel went to Heaven, I was willing to accept that I didn't have control and to let life happen to me.  But thats when I thought I would be pregnant within a couple of months of my son's death.  When I did fall pregnant again, it was ectopic, another rarity, and although I got to keep my fallopian tube, I am now saddled with a whole new set of worries, which fall like boulder size weights on my shoulders.  Now, I not only have to worry about the health and development of a baby, but that the egg will actually get to where it needs to go.

I am trying to resist the urge to panic for that control.  See, Josh and I have the okay to try again, and although this month is probably a bust ( I am out of town during the time I typically conceive...another fact that I hate knowing considering I have no baby to show for it) we have decided to start over, and treat this new possibility of a baby like we did way back in June, when we were trying for the first time.  "Whatever happens, happens" type of attitude.  Well, then we start talking about how really, a holiday baby would be rather cool!  If the baby is born in November, Josh can dress him/her up in Michigan football gear and Broncos gear and that would be so much fun!  Or, how cool would a December baby be, we can have the baby and my dad be the Christmas babies!  We could have joint parties and really truly celebrate the blessings of the season. 

As Josh and I were talking about this, my heart started to race...I felt the need to control the situation...okay, so if we are going to make this holiday baby thing happen, then we only have February and March..what if it doesn't happen, what if it does and I miscarry again..what if, what if, what if....

And then I shut down.  I stop answering my phones, and I stop caring.  I get sad, depressed, and most of all, angry and frustrated.  I wish I had a crystal ball, to look into and just know that things were going to be okay.

And I think of Gabriel, every second that I am awake.  And I wonder what he would of looked like, how big he would have been inside of labor would have been in normal circumstances.  I feel this need to honor him, and I don't know how.  Josh is going out of his mind, wanting to know if they buried him yet (the hospital does the burying of babies his gestational age quarterly) and he says that when he is buried, that is enough for him.  Me, I don't need to know that he is buried...I just want to honor him somehow.  I just don't know what to do.  I thought about getting his memory box down, or even going in that room (which by the way, has been closed off.  I can't go in there)  but I can't.  I open the closet and see those baby clothes and I can't go in there. 

How can I openly mourn my son?  I don't even know how to make my blogspot look like other moms' sites.  I don't want a funeral or memorial service...but especially in March, how can I remember him without being so angry that he is not here? 

I would have been a great mom.  Can I still call myself a mom when my baby is in Heaven?

Someday, I will hold a baby in my arms, and know that all of this pain, was worth it.  As someone so eloquently put it to me, "yes, it would be terrible if this happens again, but it won't it be WONDERFUL when it doesn't? 

I am just so worried that the wonderful will never come.  And if I am worrying so much, then I am not resisting the urge for that control.  I have failed...again.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

And the club is heartsick to announce....

that we have to welcome another good friend Jenny, who lost her baby at 11 weeks gestation.

I am so sorry you have to be here, Jenny. 

Today I saw a woman out in the 11 degree weather.  She was holding a sign "pregnant, homeless, and will work for food."  Even though I didn't know the woman, and maybe she will make a lovely mother, I couldn't help thinking about myself, Jenny, and all of the women who I have met through this blog...and wondering why we get to lose our babies while others get to keep theirs.

I talked to my cousin Tracy today...who is due in about 2 weeks.  I have never been so jealous in my life.  I am supposed to be 34 weeks pregnant. 

I am so sorry, Jenny.  This club is Hell. 

Thursday, January 28, 2010


Today I learned that a really good friend of mine, who is 11 weeks pregnant, may be experiencing a loss.

She has tried so long to conceive, and after 2 years, finally discovered she was pregnant.  When I found out she was expecting, I was genuinely ecstatic for her, as I know the path to pregnancy had been a long and trying one.

She went to see the heartbeat, and the doctor couldn't find one...and he wants to recheck her in a few days.  She is in Mexico as a missionary. 

As I read her email telling me this, I felt so sad.  I was close to tears.  I thought of her, and the one day being excited for an ultrasound and the next day feeling so sad...and it put me back in my own ultrasound room, October 1, 2009, when we found out little Gabriel's heart stopped beating.  I can close my eyes, and literally, see it.  Hear the tech say, "I am so sorry."  I see the clothes that I wore that day...and I still can't wear them.  I can feel it was yesterday.  I see it still, which is why I am having trouble sleeping right now at 1:15 am.

My friend says that her husband is being really wonderful and keeping her calm...I called Josh upstairs after the email, and we both prayed for my friend.  As we talked about my friend and our own dreadful day, I realized how lucky I am to have a man like strong he is, and how positive he has been that we will get our turn.   Even though we were talking about Gabe's cyst and how awful it was that it stopped his heart, we were talking about our son together, and it brought us closer a bit tonight. 

I feel better about trying again.  My blood HCG is at 12, and the doc said we can try as soon as it falls back to below 5.  Josh said the other day, "once we hold our baby in our arms, all of this pain, all of this loss, all of this hurt...will be worth it.  Isn't it worth it to try, Meg?" 

I am literally on my knees praying that my friend gets to hear her baby's heartbeat in a few days...I would hate for her to be in the club that no mother wants to be in.  Instead of sleepless nights with her baby in her arms, she will be like the rest of us..sleepless nights because we can still see the last dreadful ultrasound...hear the doctors and nurses at the dreadful birth...and feel the pain that emptiness provides for us after the realization that we are no longer pregnant...but should be.

I didn't get my miracle.  I pray that my friend gets hers.....

Monday, January 18, 2010

Release Me

I saw a movie this weekend called "The Lovely Bones."  At first, I thought it was kind of bizarre and sad, but the parts where Suzie is stuck in the "in-between" got me thinking. 

Suzie's "in-between" was beautiful since she was on her way to Heaven.  It was full of all that Suzie could imagine, colorful outfits and beautiful nature; an outdoor playground.  Sure, she wasn't in Heaven yet, because the in-between did house things that haunted her, that reminded her of the end of her life.  Only when she was released did she get to her Heaven.

It got me thinking about my in-between here on Earth.  I know its not the same thing, but I feel stuck in my in-between. 

It was only 6 months ago where I was delirously happy, pregnant with our first baby and buying baby clothes and making plans. 

When Gabriel died, my life ended.  The life I knew anyways, cause now I am a new person.  A month or so after Gabe's death, I still wasn't okay, but I had decided that he was preparing me for the next time, looking out for me.  I knew I had to shift my life plan...that I wasn't going to have a baby in March, but I would have one a little after that.

Well, then I had my ectopic pregnancy, and now, I am more sad than ever.  Sad about Gabriel again mostly, and sad that I have to wait some more.

Yesterday I took a HPT just to see if it were negative and if my HCG levels from the pregnancy that never really was had left me, and nope, there it was, another blaring positive.  This pissed me off...because I knew it wasn't really positive.  It was all a lie. 

So my in-between is the time from when Gabe died to when I get to be happy, and actually have things work out.  My in-between is Hell.  I get up everyday not really wanting to be awake, because when I am awake, I am concious that I am not pregnant, and may not be for a long time, or may lose that baby too. 

My in-between contains reminders of March and how big I should be right now, and the realization that he is dead. 

My in-between has me staring into mirrors and hating this body that doesn't seem to do things right. 
My in-beteen has me married to a man who on a daily basis asks me to please want to try again...when all I want to do at this point is forget about babies. I tell him no and a fight starts. 
My in-between has left me wanting to burn those maternity clothes and baby clothes in the room that I refuse to go into because it was supposed to be Gabriel's nursery.
My in-between leaves me walking the walls at 2:19 am because I can't think of anything else to think about besides my losses and being scared that my levels won't go down so I can try again, yet, I am scared to try again. 
My in-between leaves me loathing anyone who is pregnant or attempting to get pregnant.
My in-between has robbed me of my personality, and the very thought of smiling exhausts me.  I am a walking talking shell of existence, and when I act or say that I am okay, please know that I am pretending and lying to you.

I feel suffocated by my in-between.  And I wish it would release me into my Heaven. 

I asked Josh what his Heaven looked like, and he of course gave me some bullshit answer.  My Heaven is a pillowtop king size bed, pregnant successfully, with my two other babies that I have lost next to me, playing and giggling.  I think about that all the time, and sometimes, its the only thing that gets me through that particular minute. 

I thought I had a pretty spiritual experience after my surgery...I prayed for peace and for a second, I thought I got it.  Boy, was I ever wrong.  I am being tortured by jealousy and what-ifs..coulda shoulda wouldas...
I can't breathe sometimes, the grip gets so tight.  I want my babies, I want my babies, I want my turn!

I want my turn.

I think I am going to donate those baby clothes.  They were meant for Gabriel anyway...then they will get out of my closet.  I don't want anything to do with babies.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Panic Room

is my house. 

is my classroom...

is my body.

Katy Larsen, I can really sympathize with you, as I know exactly what you are feeling.

I learned I was pregnant again on December 26th, only to find out today, January 6, that I am going to miscarry. 

Now I feel that any hope for a nice and easy pregnancy, is gone.  With Gabriel, I didn't bleed at all..until they forced me to...and when the spotting and bleeding started a few days ago, I searched high and low for reasons not to panic..only to again, for the second time in 3 months, get the worst-case-scenario.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I felt I could beat what Gabriel's death did to me.
Now, I hate my body for not being able to do this right.
I got Gabe's autopsy report too.  Turns out, he did not have an obstructed bladder, but his abdominal wall never closed properly.  My new doc said that I could have been trying to miscarry earlier than when I did, which is why he didn't develop properly. 
So now, and I know its just the grief talking, but I feel like its my fault.  My body is doing this to mine and Josh's babies.
I am scared.  I am only lightly what am I in store for?  That scares me.  I keep searching for more hope...maybe I have vanishing twin syndrome and there is still a baby in there....maybe my hcg levels will go back up....
Maybe I am crazy.

I hate myself, and I hate living everyday wishing I had my baby with me...knowing that I wanted this my whole life, the experience of being pregnant....with the perfect guy...and now...well, I may never give him a child.  I am scared I will never have a biological child.....
My doc is going to order labs to see if my body needs to be fixed in some way. 


Monday, January 4, 2010

Dear Gabriel,

My precious son Gabriel,

Mommy missed you so much today, as I have missed you everyday since I found out your heart wasn't beating.

I thought about you so much, as I know you are looking down upon me and that you see what Mommy and Daddy are going through.  I just pray that you help us along...Jesus is already rocking one of my babies, I ask Him not to take another one away....

Please ask him not to take another one away....

Love, Mommy