Monday, April 19, 2010

The Laid Back Approach

I threw away my thermometer...and refuse to buy ovulation kits.

Who cares anyways.

I got so upset and bitter last month.  Its not healthy. 

So I am going to go back to living my life...pre-Gabriel.  Although, sometimes, it's hard.  Like on Sunday, for example, when my husband and I were drinking coffee and reading the morning paper, he looked at me and said, "what would the baby be doing right now, if he were here?  Would he be in his swing?"

I am going to the gym a lot now, and running.  It feels good, to feel my chest burn, and to feel like I am physically running from it all,  instead of feeling like I want to run away, and can't go anywhere.  I feel like if I obsess about my weight or something, I won't obsess about Gabe not being here, or that I am not pregnant yet.  Problem is, I get home from working out, and I am so hungry, I feel like I am binge eating.  Yeah, I have to nip that in the bud. 

Some days, I miss being pregnant so much. 

Apparently, Josh's whole family have been out to the cemetery to visit Gabe's gravesite, or the gravesite where Toledo Hospital buries the babies who are under 20 weeks.  Josh says he goes out there on his way to work.  Josh's dad goes.  His mom and grandma went. 

I have never gone.   Nor, do I want to, and I think that is strange.  Maybe I am scared that I will break down, seeing such a place that houses so much sadness, so many dreams that could never be.  One of my blog buddies mentioned having flashbacks, and I do also sometimes.  Like, I remember songs that were playing in my car, when I was driving to get more pregnancy tests, right after I tested positive with Gabriel.  I hear those same songs and think, I remember having butterflies in my stomach, being so excited.  Last week, I wore a shirt to school...the same pink, happy shirt I wore the day before my very first ultrasound.  The ultrasound that changed my life.  I should have given that to goodwill too. 

I have been working late...either at school or at home.  Dedicating my mind to anything that is not baby or baby making.  I feel like a robot. 

I did not know that losing Gabe would change my life this way.  Almost 7 months hurts. 

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Prayers for Beth

I had met a friend on a long time ago when I first posted a question about enlarged fetal bladders.  We have kept up correspondance and she also was pregnant and her baby had a fatal diagnosis.  Evan was born yesterday, and died yesterday as well.

Beth, you have meant a lot to me over the last 6 months, and I hope you know my prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.   Gabriel and Evan are both being held in the arms of God. 

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Keep the Faith?

Its hard. 

Not pregnant, again. 

I know its only been two months of trying, but when we have gotten pregnant right away before, its hard to feel normal, or even positive that it will happen.  And I am sick of trying.  Whoever said trying for kids was fun was off their rocker.  Its excruciating sometimes, and I love my husband, but everything becomes a routine. 

I don't blame my husband for anything, and believe me, last July 8th when I first found out I was pregnant I felt truly blessed...but I can't help but think what my life could have been like, if we would have started trying for kids earlier when I wanted to, in June of 08.   I would have had more opportunities. 

My biggest fear is turning 30 and not having my first child yet.   Although I know 30 isn't old or archaic, I wanted to be a mom at 26, and look at me, I will be 28...and I am childless.  And no where close.  Its depressing...because I can't stop the clock, I can't control my body, I can't control Josh's body, and I feel like I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting, waiting...and I get so sad.  All the time, I am sad and I am wishing for a different life.  One where I selfishly get what I ask for...One where I am rewarded for always doing the right thing...One where it actually works out for me and prayers are answered.  I don't believe in answered prayers anymore, as negative as that sounds, I am a realist.  I once thought this journey was bringing me closer to God, and now...its really pushing me farther and farther away.  I don't understand why His answer is constantly "No."   I don't understand why its okay that I live like this. 

I don't believe that it is going to work out.  Why would I?  Look how everything has turned out so far.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Has it really been 6 months?

I am struggling today.  Gabriel was born six months ago today.  I woke up feeling strange, and crying even, and its odd because I had no idea why.  I knew it was my dog's birthday, and then I thought...why is the 2nd so familiar...oh yeah, Gabriel was born October 2nd...

I never thought I wouldn't have a baby in my arms or in my belly right now.  I don't like this new life plan, where I have no control and I am upset all the time because I can't get what I want.  I don't care if that sounds selfish, it is what it is...I am upset because I want that.  I want a nice healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby.  And I want it now. 

Josh was upset with me because I broke down and took a test 5 days early..and of course, negative, which got me really upset.  I can't keep trying and trying and failing and failing.  Its exhausting.  The wait is excruciating, and I am just getting more bitter. 

A few days ago, I thought I was getting so many symptoms, and now, none.  Coupled with the negative test, I don't believe I am pregnant, again, and I just feel low. 

Please send any positive prayer and energy my way today, boy, do I need it.