Monday, April 18, 2011

Gabriel's Outfit

Lucy-LuLu is finally in 3 month and 3-6 month clothes.  I washed a bunch of them the other night, considering I had any size that wasn't newborn or 0-3 months packed away.  Today, as I was rummaging through the sleepers to find her something new to wear, I came across the first outfit I ever bought for my precious Gabriel.  I wish I would have taken a picture of Lucy wearing it, ahh well, I will next time.  It has an elephant on it, and it is grey, green, and yellow.  There are a couple more outfits in there that I bought for Gabriel, I remember buying some as soon as I found out he was a boy.  I knew he was sick then, but I didn't care, I was going to have a baby boy, and I was going to bring him home.  I remember thinking that, as I bought those outfits at Kohls.  Life can certainly throw some curve balls, can't it?  Lucy looked great in the outfit, and I added a yellow bow to her hair.  One day, she will know she had an older brother.

This past weekend was my older sister's baby shower.  She is due at the end of May.  I love my older sister, but I do remember being younger and always thinking that it would be so cool to have an older brother.  Older brothers protect you.  Adriane wasn't really protective in our younger years, if anything, she wanted to get away from us, or so I felt.  Casey (my younger sis) and I were not very nice to her on many occasions...we were definitely the annoying younger siblings who would tattle and snoop through her room.  I always thought a brother would be more protective. 

I wonder if the child my mother lost was a boy. 

I want Lucy to know how protected she is, not only by her family, but by Gabriel, who walks alongside our Lord.  I want Lucy to think of him when the wind blows, just like I do.  You know, those soft warm winds that tickle your ears...when I feel those breezes, I know he is sending me kisses.  It's hard to feel them in the winter.   Sometimes I imagine myself explaining to Lucy why we celebrate October 2nd and how she has a big brother in Heaven, and I get sad to think that one day, she might think we are crazy, since he never developed passed a certain point.  In fact, technically he was a miscarriage, and not a still birth.  People don't create older brothers out of miscarriages, do they?  I think some people still think I didn't have a son...I had a miscarriage. 

Oh how I miss him so much sometimes.  I get to experience the most wonderful things with Lucy, and I wonder what it would have been like with him.  Would he be just as fussy at night?  Would his toes be ticklish too? 

I am glad I didn't pack those outfits away like I originally planned.  They look good on his little sis.