Sunday, May 30, 2010

Released from Prison

I wanted to thank Katy, Dawn, and Andrea for your nice words of encouragement.  Its so nice to know that I have you ladies to lean on.

Well, last month, I took everything pretty hard.   The weekend after, I emailed my family and said that I just wanted no contact with anyone, that I wanted to be alone and just sleep my sorrow away.  Josh was supportive, encouraging me to rent movies and have a "Meg" weekend.  I slept so much.  It felt really good.  On Sunday, Josh took me to the cemetary where Gabriel is buried with all the other babies who were born before 20 weeks.  It is really nice.  And it has a really nice plaque that has a quote on it about being very much wanted and loved.  When we go back out there, I will take a picture of it.  

I always write at the end of each cycle that doesn't work out that I am done and that I will take a laid back approach, and every month, we try and try and I get upset.  After much reflection, I need to stick to my words!  By now, I am used to not being pregnant.  I need to live my life as so, and maybe, just maybe, it will take me by surprise.

So, Josh and I decided that we aren't going to prevent, but we aren't going to time everything out either.  We are just going to be in love with one another, and if that results in a baby someday, great. 

I am concentrating on other things, primarily, the end of the school year, and the planning of our vacation out to Seattle, where I will be helping my younger sis and her two toddlers move home to Dayton.  I am excited about driving cross-country, and seeing a part of the country I have never seen before.  We are also organizing our house, and we have been having a fun time organizing our finances, as crazy as that sounds.  We are still broke but are on our way to getting out of debt.  I have been enjoying my last few weeks with the kids I do have, 75 high-schoolers who I absolutely adore, and the 9 seniors that I will miss so much.  With so much to think about and do, I can honestly tell you that I have not paid any attention to ovulation signs, I don't know how many days past ovulation I am, and I don't even care if we were together at the time when it counts.  I am starting to feel....back to normal. 

I will never forget my son.  Tomorrow, we will go out to the cemetery and leave him a flower...I am trying to find a tiny elephant figurine to leave there.  A lot of the times, if I think really hard, I can remember how I felt almost a year ago July 8th, when I found out I was going to have him.  Thoughts of Gabriel warm my heart.  So, even though I feel released from this Trying to Conceive prison I have been in since Novemeber, Gabriel is only a thought away, a smile away, a prayer away.  I love him.  He will help us take this journey one step at a time. 

No more trying to conceive.  Just trying to live. 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Is He listening?

No matter how hard I pray...I am not getting a baby...again.

This time it was a horrible I did get a positive test.  It did say Pregnant. cycle started.  I felt myself unraveling again, as this was the same case as my ectopic...I was told to wait and see and test again when it stopped.  It was negative.  Explaination?  "Chemical Pregnancy"  where the body recognizes you as pregnant, but can't implant like it should and results in a normal cycle.  Its common I guess. It is classified as an early miscarriage or non-existant pregnancy.

I got to be excited a total of one day.

I can't do this anymore.  I am going to stop. 

Monday, May 3, 2010

Amazing Love Already Exists!

We are almost upon it...Testing Time again...third cycle of trying. 

I have been proud of myself.  I stuck to my word and I didn't go all crazy this cycle.  No ovulation kits, no thermometer.  No worries.  We didn't really even try all that often, we let ourselves be tired.  So...this month is probably a bust, and I am okay with that, really.

I ran into a great friend of mine yesterday.  What a fluke and a half that was!  Jenny has been my pal since high school and is currently a missionary in Mexico.  She lost her baby back in February at 11 weeks gestation or so.  I think I mentioned her on here before. 

Anyway, so I went to the grocery store yesterday, and on my way home decided to stop at Fashion Bug to see what the latest sale was, and out pops Jenny.  She was only in town for 22 hours!  Popping in at her home church.  We were so excited to see eachother, and of course the inevitable discussion of babies came up.  She said the most amazing thing to me.

"Jon (her hubby) and I are perfectly happy and in love without a baby, adding a baby would mean being able to share our incredible love with someone else, and if that doesn't happen, then we won't be any less in love or happy, we might even find another way to share that amazing love."

Wow.  Left me speechless and my heart warmed.  Sometimes, I can't remember when the last time we were just Megan and Josh without talking about babies....

Jenny's quote popped into my mind last night when Josh and I were talking about our future pregnancy that we are trying so hard for.  Getting pregnant doesn't seem to be the biggest hurdle..there are questions about growing in my tube again, and is the bowel going to form properly and not cause another fatal cyst...will we actually get to hold this baby in our arms?  I started to get panicky because he was right..getting pregnant seems like a small hurdle in comparison to those questions...then I thought of Jenny. 

All we can do is love eachother, and try to get there, and if not, we have to be okay with that too, no matter how hard the journey.