Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Once Upon A Time...

I keep thinking about something lately, that once upon a time, a long time ago, Josh and I lived a normal life not even thinking about children or pregnancy.  We worked, we talked, we functioned, and we loved, without a baby being in the front of our minds or the purpose of doing such things.

I want to go back to those days.  It was much simpler and so much less stressful.  Mentally, I think I committed to forgetting and returning to my normal life last month, when I became the lady who disassembled the pregnancy test to see if a line was really there.  It wasn't, and then a day later, I knew for sure that I wasn't pregnant, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

So, I told Josh that with Gabe's 9 months not hanging over my head anymore, its time to move on.  He thought that I meant forget, and he got really upset.  I could never forget, no matter how hard I want to.  But the truth is, I can't go back there, the sweet innocence and excitement of Gabe's arrival.  No pregnancy will ever be the same for me. 

Yesterday I got a positive on my ovulation predictor.  I was excited, because you all know me, I have this need to know that my body is doing what it should.  Then, when Josh and I wanted to take advantage of that, I just was so bitchy and not wanting to take advantage.  He asked why I was so scared. 

It was nice talking about it honestly with him. 
I am scared to not become pregnant again right away, and have him be disappointed like he was last month.. 
I am scared to not become pregnant again and have to live my life in 2 week increments.
I am scared to not become pregnant again and long for it so much that I can't do anything else.
I am scared TO BECOME pregnant again and have it get stuck in my tube, or have another loss.  I can't take another...
I am scared TO BECOME pregnant again, and having to worry each time I use the bathroom, that I may see blood.
I am just scared. 

Today I got a negative reading on the ovulation predictor...so whats done is done, and all I can do is hope that God takes my hand.  Gabriel taught me that my life is not my own, that I do not have control, and there is no plan for me but God's plan. 
I trust He and my sweet baby boy, will help me through this TTC journey...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What Should Have Been....

Josh and I can't go to bed sometimes without thinking about and talking about what might have been.  Especially this week, as tomorrow is what would have been, Gabriel's due date.

I know it doesn't matter to the majority of people who I know, I mean, some people don't really consider him my baby, but something that didn't grow.  Most people don't even know that he was named.   Even when I was going through the really hard stuff, I don't think I could comprehend how much I could love him, and how much he could influence my everyday life. 

With this day approaching, my body has been failing me.  The terrible migraines, the getting sick.  I can't tell if I am coming down with something or if its the stress of the knowledge that I don't have what should have been.  Tonight I could barely lift my pounding head from the couch pillow.

Last night, I went to sleep crying, just thinking of the fond things I remember, like telling my parents, and Josh's parents.  Last night I imagined things that I can't have...like what would the nursery look like?  Would I have been induced?  Would we be excitedly leaving for the hospital?  Would we have baby stuff strewn about the house?  Would my sisters be flying home?  Would my mom be moving in for a couple days to help? And most importantly, what would he have looked like?  Would he have the Cole chin, or Josh's eyes, would he have dark hair or red hair?  The thoughts of those things make me smile for a second, before the pain gets the better of me.

I never thought I would be sitting here 5 months after Gabe's death and not be pregnant...not be happy.  And I never thought I would have had an ectopic.  Josh keeps telling me that our turn for happiness is right around the corner, he can feel it.  I can't.  I still can't feel anything good. 

Tomorrow I will spend the day thinking of my baby.  I will write him a letter from his mommy, and then Josh and I will be going to dinner at the Elephant Bar.  We thought the choice of restaurant was appropriate. 

I really wish I was in the hospital right now holding him, feeding him, loving him.  The only memory I have of giving birth is bawling my way through it...and wishing to God that I could vanish and have a do over.  I wish I could give birth and have the common, happy, result.  Wow, I would be delirously happy.  Can you all picture me?  When I finally get there?  I will be bawling just because I finally got there...

But I am having a really hard time just wanting him here with me.  The pain just won't stop, no matter how much I try to be a normal person.  I just miss him so much, and the life I should be leading right now.  My mom tries to tell me I am not broken, but I am.  No matter how hard I wish, this defeated feeling just won't let my heart go.   And even though I know that thinking of the "what should have beens" is not healthy, I can't move forward yet.  Maybe I will be able to, after tomorrow.