Sunday, March 27, 2011

Lucy - 6 weeks and a reflection on fathers

I can't believe my baby is 6 weeks old! 

I have really beat myself up about not blogging more.  I have always been a writer, so I thought that when my baby was born, I would be really great about recording things and writing everything down.  I think I am going to still, in letter form to Lucy, and give her the book when she is 18.  I am just waiting on my mother to give me the book she said she would get me, haha. 

I didn't want to stop blogging just because I have a baby and some people may think that those feelings of loss and grief aren't there-that I forgot about Gabriel.

It is crazy, I think about Gabriel now more than ever.  We just passed his would have been due date and I couldn't help but think what life would have been like had Gabe been here.  I look at Lucy and I see Gabe's profile in her, and always wonder what he would have looked like full term.  I sing her Gabe's lullaby or play it for her on my Ipod and I get a little choked up every time- she really loves it. 

I thought about Gabe a lot when I think about the role of fathers.  I have recently been a bit shocked at my husband, I always expected him to be a "daddy-dad," one who couldn't take his eyes of his little girl and would just want to hold her and be with her all the time.  Josh is kind of the opposite, he loves her with all of his heart, but I think he is scared he is going to break her, since he considers her to be so tiny.  His hesitance with her really broke my heart the first couple of weeks and it really got me thinking.  I want him to be a daddy, not just a father. 

My dad was a daddy.  Our protector, our disciplinarian, our playmate.  I see him with Lucy, and I knew he held me the same.  I have very fond memories of him being playful with me and my sisters when we were little, whether it was playing baseball with us in the back yard or surprising us with nachos and a movie, my dad was hands-on with us.  He would take us fishing and let us chew on one of his cigars (wrapper on, of course) as he smoked his, he would help us with our 4H wood-working projects and be just as wrapped up in what color ribbon we would earn as we were.  Now, there were moments that we knew we didn't want to be on his bad side, and I believe those moments, coupled with incredible values taught by both mother and father, are what kept me and my siblings out of serious trouble.  My dad is an incredible man, one who I love very much.  I admire my dad for so many reasons, and he always made everything better.  He could be strict and an ogre sometimes, but I always wanted to please him, to make him proud.  He took care of us, not only being the provider, but our, when I was 12 or so and my older sister didn't watch my bike when I was at book club at the library and it got stolen.  Dad and I drove around looking for it, and because I was so heartbroken, he went out the same day and got me another bike. 

In adulthood, my dad is still someone who just makes everything better.  I will never forget that after Gabriel died, Josh and I went to dinner at my parent's for the first time since the delivery...I was doing okay at first, just trying to have a normal Sunday dinner, but then it hit me...that I wasn't pregnant anymore and my baby was dead, and I was there, trying to carry on like it was all normal.  I had to get up and leave the kitchen because I didn't want my mom and Josh to see me lose it again..I had been crying so much.  I went into the living room and my dad was there.  He took one look at me, and just came over and grabbed me, and held me in the biggest hug and just let me cry it out on his shoulder.  It lasted only a minute, but he was there.  He was my daddy, even though I was 27 years old. 

I want Josh to have that relationship with Lucy.  I want her to be in her adulthood, reflecting on her father and childhood the way I just did here- very fondly.  I know Josh will get more comfortable...after March Madness of course...haha.

Back to my 6 week old precious girl, she is now a whopping 9 pounds, 11 ounces.  She smiles a lot in the morning after her feeding.  She loves the sunlight and her vibrating bouncer.  Her mommy is her best friend :-)
I love putting hair bows in her hair, and I could watch her nurse and sleep all the live long day.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for my incredible gift.  I am loving this new life of mine, and it is already going by way too fast- I had to pack the newborn clothes away last week.  She hates bath time at night, but on Sunday mornings, Josh puts her in the bath tub with me and we have the best time.  The jury is still out on her hair color- this morning it looked red in the light, but most of the time, it looks dirty blonde.  She sleeps very well at night, getting up twice, and she does have a fussy period every evening. 

She looks like her father.  I look like my father. 

I am so in love with her.