Tuesday, July 23, 2013

"I Snuggle My Mommy"

In about 3 weeks, I will be going back to school.  In the meantime, I am not only trying to get myself ready by planning my curriculum maps and school supply lists, but I am trying to get Lucy ready to go back to daycare on August 12th, which means, no more staying up incredibly late with her mama, mandatory rest periods instead of "play all day" periods, and no more snuggling mommy in order to get to sleep.  I am weaning her off of the paci by only allowing her to have it for car rides and sleep, and pretty soon, I will be eliminating car rides.  Potty training is still....hell.  So I am keeping her in diapers for now.

The problem is, I am trying to savor every moment too.  I know that (God willing) this will be my last summer of just Lulu and me.  I know that she is growing up fast, and she won't be in this stage forever of always wanting to be with me. 

This summer I have caught myself complaining a lot of just being tired...tired of playing shapes all day, or tired of playing cars or singing songs.  I have said numerous times that I am tired of just being the constant entertainer for 9 hours straight....I have even said that thank God I have my career, because I am not stay at home mom material. 

Then tonight, as we were forcing Lulu to go to sleep at her new mandated bed time, she kept begging to "snuggle Mommy, I please snuggle my mommy."  Although we didn't let her, I wanted to so bad that it hurt. 

And just then, I started to miss her.  I still have 3 weeks with her, just my Lulu and me, and I already am aching for our summer alone together.  Of picking out her clothes together in the morning, where she constantly grabs things that don't match and I say "Nooooooo" really loudly and she laughs and goes and grabs something else that I won't let her wear. 

I already miss her begging me to let her put on my make up.  I let her.  She tries to eat the sponges though, so I have to watch her carefully.

I already miss our walks at the park where she recalls our routine.  "I go to the park, Mommy, and I eat a sucker and I eat fruit snacks, and I play..." 

I already miss her begging me to go shopping, and when we do, I already miss her telling me that I look "beautiful" or "marvelous" when I try something on.  I miss when she wants to play toys, or to play flash cards.  "Mommy, what animal is this?"  And I always get confused because she is holding up an orange rectangle flashcard, and there is no animal in sight. 
I miss her wanting to "cheers" me all the time when we get our drinks after the park.  When I work on school stuff during the day, I miss her grabbing my books, and pretending to read them.

My little girl is pretty amazing.  I know it is normal to be tired of the same old routine, but today it hit me like a punch in the face that my normal is fleeting.  It won't be like this much longer.  She will continue to grow up, and we will expand our family, and get busier, and buy a new house, and jobs will become crazier....but until then...
So to quote (kinda) the lines I read from Little Critter almost everyday in our mundane routine...

 I am so happy to be...spending my summer, just my beautiful Lulu and me. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Rain, Rain, Go Away!!! And Take the TV with You!!

I have had quite a bit of "mommy guilt" lately.  I did this last year too, where I start out the summer all "gung-ho" about planning fun stuff for Lucy and I to do.  See, my life is all about planning.

I plan the weekly grocery list, and if it is not written down precisely on a list, I cannot go to the store. 

I plan how much money I have by constantly looking at, writing down, and tweaking my budget.

I plan lessons for my students, even in the summer.

I plan out my weekends.

I plan out how I want my house decorated.

I plan, I plan, I plan.

I am not a fly-by-the-seat of my pants person, and I am very much like that as a mom.  I wanted to plan weekly activities and crafts, and I did it one week before I realized...this is NOT going to work.

I can't check Lucy off of a list....in fact, she is really in charge of our daily routine.  Her mood dictates the whole day sometimes.  Sometimes, she just wants to play outside at her water table and sandbox.  As a planner, my insides scream: "we can't, because we haven't done our learning activity!!!"

Then I get mad for being a planner.  It is way more work to plan.  I work so much all of the time, I don't want it to be work to stay home with my kid.  And lately, it has been starting to feel like work. 

So this week, I have eased up a bit.  So what if I don't hit the park by 10:00 A.M. every morning.  Leaving at 11 because Lucy wants to play with her toys won't make me a bad mom.

I will tell you what has though (not that I am a bad mom, but why I have guilty feelings).

This week has been really rainy, so Lucy has been playing in the house a lot.  I started watching court TV, especially with the whole Zimmerman trial.  I don't watch it for entertainment purposes, but I am really fascinated lately with our judicial system, and how the media portrays certain situations (well, all situations).  So, I have left it on in the background, and have it on in the car, and get updates on my phone, yadda yadda.

Yesterday, I had the worst headache. And I think its because of having the TV and phone in front of me all the time lately.  I am a big advocate of technology, but also a big advocate of creativity and reading, and activity.  During the school year, my DVR is always 99 percent full because I never watch anything, I just record it for a snow day or nap times....then I never watch it.  Lucy is only allowed 2 episodes of TV a day (unless Daddy lets her watch more) and yet, I find myself watching it all day for this trial.  Granted, I think the trial symbolizes so much for our country right now, which is why I am hooked, but I won't get into that here.  However, I also found myself turning on TV for Lucy just so that she would leave me alone so that I could continuously watch the trial in the kitchen.  I would get mad that she wouldn't nap, because it cut into my trial time.

What in the heck am I doing???

 As a parent and a career-oriented person, there has to be a proper balance of "me time" and responsibility time.  With that being said, this week has all been about the obsessive part of me that usually only comes out in my cleaning or nagging of my husband.  And I have been surprised at myself.

So, right now, right here, I make two promises.  One, I will not over-plan my summer with Lucy.  I have to accept that her learning or brilliance will not suffer simply because we play outside all day.  And two, I will not let HLN ruin my time with Lucy.  I will save my obsessiveness for my house and husband only.

Til next time,