Sunday, November 28, 2010

28 it February yet????

How far along:

28 weeks :-)  Officially in my 3rd trimester!

Best Moment This Week:
I guess since today is Sunday, I can reflect on last week here...
I had a couple GREAT moments this week. 
1) We registered for baby Lucy.  I was so excited to get up that day, get coffee with my husband, and just spend the day looking at stuff that we wanted for our little LuLu.  We went on Wednesday, which was my first day of Thanksgiving Furlough, so I had no school to think about...just thoughts of our daughter and I have to admit, I was excited to just be spending the day with Josh...after almost 11 years together, I get giddy at the thought of being alone with him on any sort of date.  I think the registering went well, we decided to only register at BabiesRus, with the idea that people can look and see what we want and then they are free to shop around wherever they choose.  In true teacher fashion, I researched and made lists of things that I wanted and that I thought were "must-haves," but when we started out in the breast pump/infant care section, I will admit that I was overwhelmed.  Refer to my "Emotions" sections for my anxieties! At one point, a really nice lady came up to me and said that I should go and get something to eat, then come back.  She said that when she registered, she started crying in the middle and had to come back.  Now, I hope I didn't look like I was going to burst into tears, but it was for sure, more overwhelming than I thought it would be.  But overall, I was just thankful to be there, 28 weeks pregnant, feeling my daughter kick and squirm, picking out things especially for her.
2) My second best moment of the week was yesterday at the movies.  My husband and I went out to see a movie and as we sat down, an older couple, probably a bit older than our parents' age, were sitting a few seats down.  When the movie started, Josh leaned into me and squeezed my arm.  He said, "that's us in 50 years, Meg."  I asked him what made him say that, and he said, "Because that man just told his wife, 'I am so happy to be here with you' and I know I will be saying the same thing to you at the movies in 50 years."
It was just a sweet thing for Josh to observe and say.  I do love him so much. 

Cravings/Aversions:I am craving anything with marinara sauce- so pasta, pizza, breads that I can dip into it, anything. 

What I miss:Pajamas that fit.  I outgrew a lot of my pjs, so I have been wearing my husbands, and then I feel frumpy.  Yesterday after the movie I made him take me to the maternity store so that I could buy some maternity pjs.  I finally was comfortable lounging around the house last night! 

What I'm looking forward to:This week, I am looking forward to getting some addresses together and to start doing some shower planning with my mom.  With the holidays upon us, I know that shower time will be here very quickly!  I just want to plan something really relaxed, and have a good time with family and friends.  I am also looking forward to a coffee date with my friend Corey on Thursday-just to catch up for one, and for two, she is planning on being LuLu's nanny so I can't wait to start talking plans!

Emotions:I am feeling anxious about a few things...specifically, car seats, strollers, and breast pumps.  How in the world do you operate those contraptions?  At BabiesRus, I tried playing with a stroller, and I thought I broke the darn thing.  Then, when I saw the car seat I wanted, I couldn't figure out how to make it fit into the stroller that it apparently went with.  Finally, I had to find an employee, who did it in 2.5 seconds and then said, "see, its really easy."  WHAT?  I couldn't recreate the folding, propping, and hooking. 
Fast forward to putting my niece's car seat into my car this weekend.  I had to have my sister hook it in, and then my dad check it out, because I didn't know if the darn thing was stable.  With all the straps, hooks, and clips, how in the world do these things fit into a car?  I don't even have a heated garage to practice in, so I am getting more nervous about car seats too.
And finally, breast pumps.  The aisle at the baby store had a million parts for them- milk bags, storage units, nipple pads, plastic nipple things that looked scary, and all sorts of other contraptions that go with the pumps.  Look, at this point, the only accessory my boobs are used to is a to go from just a bra to millions of parts that will apparently hang off my nipples is freaky-deaky to me.  I am still getting used to the idea that Lucy will be benefiting from them and that my sex life will be on the decline the entire time, as Josh observes the real reasons my boobs exist- not for him, but for babies. 

Weekly Wisdom:
Kids cost money.  I didn't really realize that until we registered and when I went today to purchase more nursery furniture that was on sale.  Holy Moly, I need a raise!

Anything Else to Share:A dear friend of mine emailed me and got me thinking.  She asked if expecting Lucy made the ache for Gabriel a little less noticeable.  It really got me thinking.

Sometimes, I get so excited and thankful for Lucy, that I can go days without thinking of him.  I guess on those days, the ache doesn't hurt me as much.  But then, there are other days.  Last Monday a particular song came on the radio that reminded me of Gabe, and I just started bawling in my car.  It didn't matter that Lucy was kicking me the entire time, my baby boy wasn't there with me.  Another time, I had this need to just go out to the cemetery and see his resting spot...and the urge came out of nowhere.  I plan to go see his spot next weekend.  So I guess the answer to the question is yes and no.  It really does depend on the moment I am living.  I get so inspired by people who carved pumpkins and made stockings with their angel's names on them, and I think to myself, should I be doing this for Gabriel?  I wish I could, but I think the hurt is still bad enough that I can't bring myself to do it.  If his stuff wasn't in the closet, if his name was all over the place with no body, I think I would ache more, not less.   I do ultimately want to ache less...celebrate the angel watching over me, and not grieve my loss.  There are some moments like the moment in the car last Monday, where it felt like he was taken from me that day.  Some wounds just never heal completely, no matter how hard Lucy kicks. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

26 weeks

How Far Along:

26 weeks :-)

Best Moment This Week:
Aurora stayed with me this weekend.  Aurora is my 4 year old niece.  She and I played Barbies and baked cookies, and played games.  The whole time I was enjoying her I kept thinking, I will get to do this with Lucy!
I placed the pasta on the back burner this past grocery shopping trip in order to be more healthy.  So instead I baked a cauliflower/broccoli casserole and then...smothered it with cheese.  So..I am still working on the healthy thing.  I do crave more veggies and salad. 
What I miss:
Pet Supplies Plus, my old retail job.  I never thought I would say that, but the stress at work keeps getting to me.  I love being a teacher, but working where I work is taking its toll.  I had to take a sick day a week or so ago because I just couldn't face any more stress that the administration keeps laying on.  I get panic attacky when I think about that place, and if I actually lived in an area that valued the work that GOOD teachers do, then maybe I would have options.  But unfortunately, my profession isn't that valued in these economic times and I feel stuck.  I miss being able to work a 9-5 and be home...stress free.  God Bless America's teachers. 
What I'm looking forward to:
This week, to destress, I am leaving at my contracted time, 3:30.  To know me is to know that I work til 5:30 and I barely take work home after that, except for on weekends.  But being in that place is killing me.  So I am going to work from home and see if I enjoy the job better this week.  I love my kids, but the admin is too I am hoping working for my kids in my comfy sweats at home after school will bring them a happier teacher!
I am getting excited just thinking about Lucy and what she will look like.  I am sad because I thought I could take 9 weeks off of work and it looks like they are going to hold me to the strict 6 week rule.  I am panicking about money a little...
Weekly Wisdom:
Family is the greatest.  I really love my family and cling to them for everything.  I had a great time being with family this weekend and I don't want to take any of that time for granted.  I am really lucky to have what I have.
Anything Else to Share:
Sometimes I wish I didn't have a male doctor.  I was really embarrassed of these stretch marks when he lifted my shirt at my appointment this week.  I know, they have seen it all, but still....