Thursday, May 23, 2013

Baby #2?

Before I go on with my new post, I want to thank you for the comments on my last pity-party post.  What kind words of encouragement you all gave me :-) 

Today I broke down a bit.  My boss says that I have a soul of steel and she is right...I never get emotional that often.  I get emotional when I am frustrated, or scared...and even as a high school teacher, I am not frustrated too often.  I was pretty numb when I lost Gabriel, and even then, I only really cried in private...and when I wrote these posts.

My high schoolers are graduating.  Some of them have been my English students since the 8th grade.  It really points out how old I feel like I am becoming.  And although I am not really old (almost 31, or as I say to my students, "29 heavy"), knowing that 5 years ago I got hired at a small community school, was assigned an 8th grade class, and now I get to watch them graduate, makes me see time and how it has elapsed.  I saw my seniors literally grow up. 

5 years ago, I was hired.  That is all it took for Josh and I to start talking about having kids.  We just wanted me hired in my field of study.  And once I was...the idea of Gabriel was conceived, and soon enough, he was.

We all know how that turned out.

And beautiful little Lucy- who is turning out to be quite the terrible twoster, may I add, turned out perfect. 

And now, we are talking about Baby 2. 

It is amazing how my feelings about babies and pregnancy have changed.  Once upon a time, I couldn't fathom the thought of not being pregnant.  Now I struggle with feelings of being scared to be. Josh talks and talks, but to be honest, I don't even want to try. 

Life is good.  Life is sooooo good.  Beautiful todder, who is God, is she smart.

My job may not be my dream job monetarily speaking, but wow, am I serving my purpose.  I have always wanted to make a difference for high school kids.  And I know that I do.  Thinking of my seniors leaving...I feel like I am having separation anxiety, because it has been them and me for 5 years.  Granted, I have other classes, but they were mine first.  They pulled me through that time when I wanted to give up.  They needed me too.

My marriage is better than ever, and I see so many parents of two or more struggle.

But everything I just said is just a list of excuses.  The fact of the matter is, I am scared.  Now that we are actually talking about trying again, I am scared.  I don't want the high risk appointments, the constant blood draws, the ultrasounds....most people relish that they have ultrasounds, not me...I know that they are just checking to see if my baby has a defect or is even alive at all.

It's just scary.  It is scary that Josh wants to try soon. 

So I broke down today...because with prepping for graduation and the LOADS of work I am doing, I don't want my summer to get here.  Because I am scared to try.