Saturday, January 30, 2010

And the club is heartsick to announce....

that we have to welcome another good friend Jenny, who lost her baby at 11 weeks gestation.

I am so sorry you have to be here, Jenny. 

Today I saw a woman out in the 11 degree weather.  She was holding a sign "pregnant, homeless, and will work for food."  Even though I didn't know the woman, and maybe she will make a lovely mother, I couldn't help thinking about myself, Jenny, and all of the women who I have met through this blog...and wondering why we get to lose our babies while others get to keep theirs.

I talked to my cousin Tracy today...who is due in about 2 weeks.  I have never been so jealous in my life.  I am supposed to be 34 weeks pregnant. 

I am so sorry, Jenny.  This club is Hell. 

Thursday, January 28, 2010


Today I learned that a really good friend of mine, who is 11 weeks pregnant, may be experiencing a loss.

She has tried so long to conceive, and after 2 years, finally discovered she was pregnant.  When I found out she was expecting, I was genuinely ecstatic for her, as I know the path to pregnancy had been a long and trying one.

She went to see the heartbeat, and the doctor couldn't find one...and he wants to recheck her in a few days.  She is in Mexico as a missionary. 

As I read her email telling me this, I felt so sad.  I was close to tears.  I thought of her, and the one day being excited for an ultrasound and the next day feeling so sad...and it put me back in my own ultrasound room, October 1, 2009, when we found out little Gabriel's heart stopped beating.  I can close my eyes, and literally, see it.  Hear the tech say, "I am so sorry."  I see the clothes that I wore that day...and I still can't wear them.  I can feel it was yesterday.  I see it still, which is why I am having trouble sleeping right now at 1:15 am.

My friend says that her husband is being really wonderful and keeping her calm...I called Josh upstairs after the email, and we both prayed for my friend.  As we talked about my friend and our own dreadful day, I realized how lucky I am to have a man like strong he is, and how positive he has been that we will get our turn.   Even though we were talking about Gabe's cyst and how awful it was that it stopped his heart, we were talking about our son together, and it brought us closer a bit tonight. 

I feel better about trying again.  My blood HCG is at 12, and the doc said we can try as soon as it falls back to below 5.  Josh said the other day, "once we hold our baby in our arms, all of this pain, all of this loss, all of this hurt...will be worth it.  Isn't it worth it to try, Meg?" 

I am literally on my knees praying that my friend gets to hear her baby's heartbeat in a few days...I would hate for her to be in the club that no mother wants to be in.  Instead of sleepless nights with her baby in her arms, she will be like the rest of us..sleepless nights because we can still see the last dreadful ultrasound...hear the doctors and nurses at the dreadful birth...and feel the pain that emptiness provides for us after the realization that we are no longer pregnant...but should be.

I didn't get my miracle.  I pray that my friend gets hers.....

Monday, January 18, 2010

Release Me

I saw a movie this weekend called "The Lovely Bones."  At first, I thought it was kind of bizarre and sad, but the parts where Suzie is stuck in the "in-between" got me thinking. 

Suzie's "in-between" was beautiful since she was on her way to Heaven.  It was full of all that Suzie could imagine, colorful outfits and beautiful nature; an outdoor playground.  Sure, she wasn't in Heaven yet, because the in-between did house things that haunted her, that reminded her of the end of her life.  Only when she was released did she get to her Heaven.

It got me thinking about my in-between here on Earth.  I know its not the same thing, but I feel stuck in my in-between. 

It was only 6 months ago where I was delirously happy, pregnant with our first baby and buying baby clothes and making plans. 

When Gabriel died, my life ended.  The life I knew anyways, cause now I am a new person.  A month or so after Gabe's death, I still wasn't okay, but I had decided that he was preparing me for the next time, looking out for me.  I knew I had to shift my life plan...that I wasn't going to have a baby in March, but I would have one a little after that.

Well, then I had my ectopic pregnancy, and now, I am more sad than ever.  Sad about Gabriel again mostly, and sad that I have to wait some more.

Yesterday I took a HPT just to see if it were negative and if my HCG levels from the pregnancy that never really was had left me, and nope, there it was, another blaring positive.  This pissed me off...because I knew it wasn't really positive.  It was all a lie. 

So my in-between is the time from when Gabe died to when I get to be happy, and actually have things work out.  My in-between is Hell.  I get up everyday not really wanting to be awake, because when I am awake, I am concious that I am not pregnant, and may not be for a long time, or may lose that baby too. 

My in-between contains reminders of March and how big I should be right now, and the realization that he is dead. 

My in-between has me staring into mirrors and hating this body that doesn't seem to do things right. 
My in-beteen has me married to a man who on a daily basis asks me to please want to try again...when all I want to do at this point is forget about babies. I tell him no and a fight starts. 
My in-between has left me wanting to burn those maternity clothes and baby clothes in the room that I refuse to go into because it was supposed to be Gabriel's nursery.
My in-between leaves me walking the walls at 2:19 am because I can't think of anything else to think about besides my losses and being scared that my levels won't go down so I can try again, yet, I am scared to try again. 
My in-between leaves me loathing anyone who is pregnant or attempting to get pregnant.
My in-between has robbed me of my personality, and the very thought of smiling exhausts me.  I am a walking talking shell of existence, and when I act or say that I am okay, please know that I am pretending and lying to you.

I feel suffocated by my in-between.  And I wish it would release me into my Heaven. 

I asked Josh what his Heaven looked like, and he of course gave me some bullshit answer.  My Heaven is a pillowtop king size bed, pregnant successfully, with my two other babies that I have lost next to me, playing and giggling.  I think about that all the time, and sometimes, its the only thing that gets me through that particular minute. 

I thought I had a pretty spiritual experience after my surgery...I prayed for peace and for a second, I thought I got it.  Boy, was I ever wrong.  I am being tortured by jealousy and what-ifs..coulda shoulda wouldas...
I can't breathe sometimes, the grip gets so tight.  I want my babies, I want my babies, I want my turn!

I want my turn.

I think I am going to donate those baby clothes.  They were meant for Gabriel anyway...then they will get out of my closet.  I don't want anything to do with babies.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Panic Room

is my house. 

is my classroom...

is my body.

Katy Larsen, I can really sympathize with you, as I know exactly what you are feeling.

I learned I was pregnant again on December 26th, only to find out today, January 6, that I am going to miscarry. 

Now I feel that any hope for a nice and easy pregnancy, is gone.  With Gabriel, I didn't bleed at all..until they forced me to...and when the spotting and bleeding started a few days ago, I searched high and low for reasons not to panic..only to again, for the second time in 3 months, get the worst-case-scenario.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I felt I could beat what Gabriel's death did to me.
Now, I hate my body for not being able to do this right.
I got Gabe's autopsy report too.  Turns out, he did not have an obstructed bladder, but his abdominal wall never closed properly.  My new doc said that I could have been trying to miscarry earlier than when I did, which is why he didn't develop properly. 
So now, and I know its just the grief talking, but I feel like its my fault.  My body is doing this to mine and Josh's babies.
I am scared.  I am only lightly what am I in store for?  That scares me.  I keep searching for more hope...maybe I have vanishing twin syndrome and there is still a baby in there....maybe my hcg levels will go back up....
Maybe I am crazy.

I hate myself, and I hate living everyday wishing I had my baby with me...knowing that I wanted this my whole life, the experience of being pregnant....with the perfect guy...and now...well, I may never give him a child.  I am scared I will never have a biological child.....
My doc is going to order labs to see if my body needs to be fixed in some way. 


Monday, January 4, 2010

Dear Gabriel,

My precious son Gabriel,

Mommy missed you so much today, as I have missed you everyday since I found out your heart wasn't beating.

I thought about you so much, as I know you are looking down upon me and that you see what Mommy and Daddy are going through.  I just pray that you help us along...Jesus is already rocking one of my babies, I ask Him not to take another one away....

Please ask him not to take another one away....

Love, Mommy