Monday, January 18, 2010

Release Me

I saw a movie this weekend called "The Lovely Bones."  At first, I thought it was kind of bizarre and sad, but the parts where Suzie is stuck in the "in-between" got me thinking. 

Suzie's "in-between" was beautiful since she was on her way to Heaven.  It was full of all that Suzie could imagine, colorful outfits and beautiful nature; an outdoor playground.  Sure, she wasn't in Heaven yet, because the in-between did house things that haunted her, that reminded her of the end of her life.  Only when she was released did she get to her Heaven.

It got me thinking about my in-between here on Earth.  I know its not the same thing, but I feel stuck in my in-between. 

It was only 6 months ago where I was delirously happy, pregnant with our first baby and buying baby clothes and making plans. 

When Gabriel died, my life ended.  The life I knew anyways, cause now I am a new person.  A month or so after Gabe's death, I still wasn't okay, but I had decided that he was preparing me for the next time, looking out for me.  I knew I had to shift my life plan...that I wasn't going to have a baby in March, but I would have one a little after that.

Well, then I had my ectopic pregnancy, and now, I am more sad than ever.  Sad about Gabriel again mostly, and sad that I have to wait some more.

Yesterday I took a HPT just to see if it were negative and if my HCG levels from the pregnancy that never really was had left me, and nope, there it was, another blaring positive.  This pissed me off...because I knew it wasn't really positive.  It was all a lie. 

So my in-between is the time from when Gabe died to when I get to be happy, and actually have things work out.  My in-between is Hell.  I get up everyday not really wanting to be awake, because when I am awake, I am concious that I am not pregnant, and may not be for a long time, or may lose that baby too. 

My in-between contains reminders of March and how big I should be right now, and the realization that he is dead. 

My in-between has me staring into mirrors and hating this body that doesn't seem to do things right. 
My in-beteen has me married to a man who on a daily basis asks me to please want to try again...when all I want to do at this point is forget about babies. I tell him no and a fight starts. 
My in-between has left me wanting to burn those maternity clothes and baby clothes in the room that I refuse to go into because it was supposed to be Gabriel's nursery.
My in-between leaves me walking the walls at 2:19 am because I can't think of anything else to think about besides my losses and being scared that my levels won't go down so I can try again, yet, I am scared to try again. 
My in-between leaves me loathing anyone who is pregnant or attempting to get pregnant.
My in-between has robbed me of my personality, and the very thought of smiling exhausts me.  I am a walking talking shell of existence, and when I act or say that I am okay, please know that I am pretending and lying to you.

I feel suffocated by my in-between.  And I wish it would release me into my Heaven. 

I asked Josh what his Heaven looked like, and he of course gave me some bullshit answer.  My Heaven is a pillowtop king size bed, pregnant successfully, with my two other babies that I have lost next to me, playing and giggling.  I think about that all the time, and sometimes, its the only thing that gets me through that particular minute. 

I thought I had a pretty spiritual experience after my surgery...I prayed for peace and for a second, I thought I got it.  Boy, was I ever wrong.  I am being tortured by jealousy and what-ifs..coulda shoulda wouldas...
I can't breathe sometimes, the grip gets so tight.  I want my babies, I want my babies, I want my turn!

I want my turn.

I think I am going to donate those baby clothes.  They were meant for Gabriel anyway...then they will get out of my closet.  I don't want anything to do with babies.

1 comment:

  1. I think and feel so many of these same things. Thinking of how big I should be. Of what we lost. I think as the due date approaches too it just gets harder. Maybe afterwards this will change? I don't know.

    Praying you do find peace and a baby to hold. xx