Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Panic Room

is my house. 

is my classroom...

is my body.

Katy Larsen, I can really sympathize with you, as I know exactly what you are feeling.

I learned I was pregnant again on December 26th, only to find out today, January 6, that I am going to miscarry. 

Now I feel that any hope for a nice and easy pregnancy, is gone.  With Gabriel, I didn't bleed at all..until they forced me to...and when the spotting and bleeding started a few days ago, I searched high and low for reasons not to panic..only to again, for the second time in 3 months, get the worst-case-scenario.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I felt I could beat what Gabriel's death did to me.
Now, I hate my body for not being able to do this right.
I got Gabe's autopsy report too.  Turns out, he did not have an obstructed bladder, but his abdominal wall never closed properly.  My new doc said that I could have been trying to miscarry earlier than when I did, which is why he didn't develop properly. 
So now, and I know its just the grief talking, but I feel like its my fault.  My body is doing this to mine and Josh's babies.
I am scared.  I am only lightly what am I in store for?  That scares me.  I keep searching for more hope...maybe I have vanishing twin syndrome and there is still a baby in there....maybe my hcg levels will go back up....
Maybe I am crazy.

I hate myself, and I hate living everyday wishing I had my baby with me...knowing that I wanted this my whole life, the experience of being pregnant....with the perfect guy...and now...well, I may never give him a child.  I am scared I will never have a biological child.....
My doc is going to order labs to see if my body needs to be fixed in some way. 



  1. Megan~

    I am so sorry you are experiencing this yet again... please know my thoughts and prayers are with you, and while you are feeling incredibly low and disheartened at the moment, allow yourself to feel these emotions! Take care of yourself, and again, I am sorry this is so difficult for you!

  2. Megan I am so sorry. I am keeping you in my prayers always. Let me know if there is anything I can do. I am always here to talk.

    Love and Hugs,