Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Once Upon A Time...

I keep thinking about something lately, that once upon a time, a long time ago, Josh and I lived a normal life not even thinking about children or pregnancy.  We worked, we talked, we functioned, and we loved, without a baby being in the front of our minds or the purpose of doing such things.

I want to go back to those days.  It was much simpler and so much less stressful.  Mentally, I think I committed to forgetting and returning to my normal life last month, when I became the lady who disassembled the pregnancy test to see if a line was really there.  It wasn't, and then a day later, I knew for sure that I wasn't pregnant, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

So, I told Josh that with Gabe's 9 months not hanging over my head anymore, its time to move on.  He thought that I meant forget, and he got really upset.  I could never forget, no matter how hard I want to.  But the truth is, I can't go back there, the sweet innocence and excitement of Gabe's arrival.  No pregnancy will ever be the same for me. 

Yesterday I got a positive on my ovulation predictor.  I was excited, because you all know me, I have this need to know that my body is doing what it should.  Then, when Josh and I wanted to take advantage of that, I just was so bitchy and not wanting to take advantage.  He asked why I was so scared. 

It was nice talking about it honestly with him. 
I am scared to not become pregnant again right away, and have him be disappointed like he was last month.. 
I am scared to not become pregnant again and have to live my life in 2 week increments.
I am scared to not become pregnant again and long for it so much that I can't do anything else.
I am scared TO BECOME pregnant again and have it get stuck in my tube, or have another loss.  I can't take another...
I am scared TO BECOME pregnant again, and having to worry each time I use the bathroom, that I may see blood.
I am just scared. 

Today I got a negative reading on the ovulation predictor...so whats done is done, and all I can do is hope that God takes my hand.  Gabriel taught me that my life is not my own, that I do not have control, and there is no plan for me but God's plan. 
I trust He and my sweet baby boy, will help me through this TTC journey...

1 comment:

  1. Keeping you in my prayers that you will have a positive in a couple of weeks and that God will give you the peace of mind that you need to get through.