I keep thinking about something lately, that once upon a time, a long time ago, Josh and I lived a normal life not even thinking about children or pregnancy. We worked, we talked, we functioned, and we loved, without a baby being in the front of our minds or the purpose of doing such things.
I want to go back to those days. It was much simpler and so much less stressful. Mentally, I think I committed to forgetting and returning to my normal life last month, when I became the lady who disassembled the pregnancy test to see if a line was really there. It wasn't, and then a day later, I knew for sure that I wasn't pregnant, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
So, I told Josh that with Gabe's 9 months not hanging over my head anymore, its time to move on. He thought that I meant forget, and he got really upset. I could never forget, no matter how hard I want to. But the truth is, I can't go back there, the sweet innocence and excitement of Gabe's arrival. No pregnancy will ever be the same for me.
Yesterday I got a positive on my ovulation predictor. I was excited, because you all know me, I have this need to know that my body is doing what it should. Then, when Josh and I wanted to take advantage of that, I just was so bitchy and not wanting to take advantage. He asked why I was so scared.
It was nice talking about it honestly with him.
I am scared to not become pregnant again right away, and have him be disappointed like he was last month..
I am scared to not become pregnant again and have to live my life in 2 week increments.
I am scared to not become pregnant again and long for it so much that I can't do anything else.
I am scared TO BECOME pregnant again and have it get stuck in my tube, or have another loss. I can't take another...
I am scared TO BECOME pregnant again, and having to worry each time I use the bathroom, that I may see blood.
I am just scared.
Today I got a negative reading on the ovulation predictor...so whats done is done, and all I can do is hope that God takes my hand. Gabriel taught me that my life is not my own, that I do not have control, and there is no plan for me but God's plan.
I trust He and my sweet baby boy, will help me through this TTC journey...
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
Keeping you in my prayers that you will have a positive in a couple of weeks and that God will give you the peace of mind that you need to get through.
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