Friday, April 2, 2010

Has it really been 6 months?

I am struggling today.  Gabriel was born six months ago today.  I woke up feeling strange, and crying even, and its odd because I had no idea why.  I knew it was my dog's birthday, and then I thought...why is the 2nd so familiar...oh yeah, Gabriel was born October 2nd...

I never thought I wouldn't have a baby in my arms or in my belly right now.  I don't like this new life plan, where I have no control and I am upset all the time because I can't get what I want.  I don't care if that sounds selfish, it is what it is...I am upset because I want that.  I want a nice healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby.  And I want it now. 

Josh was upset with me because I broke down and took a test 5 days early..and of course, negative, which got me really upset.  I can't keep trying and trying and failing and failing.  Its exhausting.  The wait is excruciating, and I am just getting more bitter. 

A few days ago, I thought I was getting so many symptoms, and now, none.  Coupled with the negative test, I don't believe I am pregnant, again, and I just feel low. 

Please send any positive prayer and energy my way today, boy, do I need it. 

No comments:

Post a Comment