I am struggling today. Gabriel was born six months ago today. I woke up feeling strange, and crying even, and its odd because I had no idea why. I knew it was my dog's birthday, and then I thought...why is the 2nd so familiar...oh yeah, Gabriel was born October 2nd...
I never thought I wouldn't have a baby in my arms or in my belly right now. I don't like this new life plan, where I have no control and I am upset all the time because I can't get what I want. I don't care if that sounds selfish, it is what it is...I am upset because I want that. I want a nice healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby. And I want it now.
Josh was upset with me because I broke down and took a test 5 days early..and of course, negative, which got me really upset. I can't keep trying and trying and failing and failing. Its exhausting. The wait is excruciating, and I am just getting more bitter.
A few days ago, I thought I was getting so many symptoms, and now, none. Coupled with the negative test, I don't believe I am pregnant, again, and I just feel low.
Please send any positive prayer and energy my way today, boy, do I need it.
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
No comments:
Post a Comment