Monday, April 19, 2010

The Laid Back Approach

I threw away my thermometer...and refuse to buy ovulation kits.

Who cares anyways.

I got so upset and bitter last month.  Its not healthy. 

So I am going to go back to living my life...pre-Gabriel.  Although, sometimes, it's hard.  Like on Sunday, for example, when my husband and I were drinking coffee and reading the morning paper, he looked at me and said, "what would the baby be doing right now, if he were here?  Would he be in his swing?"

I am going to the gym a lot now, and running.  It feels good, to feel my chest burn, and to feel like I am physically running from it all,  instead of feeling like I want to run away, and can't go anywhere.  I feel like if I obsess about my weight or something, I won't obsess about Gabe not being here, or that I am not pregnant yet.  Problem is, I get home from working out, and I am so hungry, I feel like I am binge eating.  Yeah, I have to nip that in the bud. 

Some days, I miss being pregnant so much. 

Apparently, Josh's whole family have been out to the cemetery to visit Gabe's gravesite, or the gravesite where Toledo Hospital buries the babies who are under 20 weeks.  Josh says he goes out there on his way to work.  Josh's dad goes.  His mom and grandma went. 

I have never gone.   Nor, do I want to, and I think that is strange.  Maybe I am scared that I will break down, seeing such a place that houses so much sadness, so many dreams that could never be.  One of my blog buddies mentioned having flashbacks, and I do also sometimes.  Like, I remember songs that were playing in my car, when I was driving to get more pregnancy tests, right after I tested positive with Gabriel.  I hear those same songs and think, I remember having butterflies in my stomach, being so excited.  Last week, I wore a shirt to school...the same pink, happy shirt I wore the day before my very first ultrasound.  The ultrasound that changed my life.  I should have given that to goodwill too. 

I have been working late...either at school or at home.  Dedicating my mind to anything that is not baby or baby making.  I feel like a robot. 

I did not know that losing Gabe would change my life this way.  Almost 7 months hurts. 

1 comment:

  1. yes, it can hurt that much.... i too remember running down the beach as fast as i could, as long as i could until i thought i would pass out because it felt good to hurt for a reason other than that my baby wasn't here.....