Sunday, May 30, 2010

Released from Prison

I wanted to thank Katy, Dawn, and Andrea for your nice words of encouragement.  Its so nice to know that I have you ladies to lean on.

Well, last month, I took everything pretty hard.   The weekend after, I emailed my family and said that I just wanted no contact with anyone, that I wanted to be alone and just sleep my sorrow away.  Josh was supportive, encouraging me to rent movies and have a "Meg" weekend.  I slept so much.  It felt really good.  On Sunday, Josh took me to the cemetary where Gabriel is buried with all the other babies who were born before 20 weeks.  It is really nice.  And it has a really nice plaque that has a quote on it about being very much wanted and loved.  When we go back out there, I will take a picture of it.  

I always write at the end of each cycle that doesn't work out that I am done and that I will take a laid back approach, and every month, we try and try and I get upset.  After much reflection, I need to stick to my words!  By now, I am used to not being pregnant.  I need to live my life as so, and maybe, just maybe, it will take me by surprise.

So, Josh and I decided that we aren't going to prevent, but we aren't going to time everything out either.  We are just going to be in love with one another, and if that results in a baby someday, great. 

I am concentrating on other things, primarily, the end of the school year, and the planning of our vacation out to Seattle, where I will be helping my younger sis and her two toddlers move home to Dayton.  I am excited about driving cross-country, and seeing a part of the country I have never seen before.  We are also organizing our house, and we have been having a fun time organizing our finances, as crazy as that sounds.  We are still broke but are on our way to getting out of debt.  I have been enjoying my last few weeks with the kids I do have, 75 high-schoolers who I absolutely adore, and the 9 seniors that I will miss so much.  With so much to think about and do, I can honestly tell you that I have not paid any attention to ovulation signs, I don't know how many days past ovulation I am, and I don't even care if we were together at the time when it counts.  I am starting to feel....back to normal. 

I will never forget my son.  Tomorrow, we will go out to the cemetery and leave him a flower...I am trying to find a tiny elephant figurine to leave there.  A lot of the times, if I think really hard, I can remember how I felt almost a year ago July 8th, when I found out I was going to have him.  Thoughts of Gabriel warm my heart.  So, even though I feel released from this Trying to Conceive prison I have been in since Novemeber, Gabriel is only a thought away, a smile away, a prayer away.  I love him.  He will help us take this journey one step at a time. 

No more trying to conceive.  Just trying to live. 


  1. Meg,

    I remember those days of throwing in the towel and calling it quits, being angry, disappointed, and reduced to tears in seconds every time CD 1 came around again. It has been a very long year for me, but I always reniged in my "quitting" and found resilience instead. I suppose that "gift" of not giving in comes from this beautiful community who encourage me on. SO, I encourage you to continue this your "Life" and finding the sunshine along the way. The rest will come, I promise.

    Know that you never walk this broken road alone :)

    I'm happy you are Smiling and finding some peace.

    Much Love,

  2. Lots of love and many prayers, Megan. I have faith that God will bless you again in His time. It is the waiting for His time that drains us---but it is also in this waiting that our faith is built. Always here if you need a friend. xxx

  3. GREAT plan! Live and enjoy life, let the rest come to you. From experience, grief comes in cycles so maybe you have some grieving yet to do that has yet to come your way. My husband and I conceived again (surprise) and I can say it has not been easy dealing with the return cycles of grief while pregnant (even though this baby is very much wanted!). I wish you much luck and happiness on your journey...relax, and when you least expect it, it will happen! It happened to me ;-)

  4. sending you giant ((((hugs))))

    a thought on elephants: try the university of alabama bookstore. their mascot is an elephant and those people are CRAZY about their team spirit stuff..... not admitting that i know any of them personally you understand (who me? not me! really!)

    they have beautiful jewelry and stuffed animals and you can't even imagine the stuff!

    thinking of you....