Saturday, June 5, 2010

Dear Gabriel,

Dear my precious baby,

     This evening, I was on the computer doing things for my other "kids," you know, the students, and I looked out my office window and watched the family across the street.  They are the cutest little family, a mommy, a daddy, and two girls about your cousins' Aurora's and Scarlett's age.  They were playing tag.  Sometimes I am in awe of them, and I try not to stare.  Tonight I wondered, would I be sitting on my porch with you?  Yelling hello to them across the street?  Maybe I would take you over there, and we would meet them. 
     Somedays, I daydream about you a lot, especially when I am doing other things.  For example, yesterday, our puppy Oscar flipped over onto his back for a belly rub.  Your puppy loves those belly rubs!  I rubbed his belly and right then and there, I thought of you.  I daydreamed about you.  I thought, if you were here, sweet baby boy,  I would have you on your play mat in the middle of our living room, and I would be blowing on your belly button, and tickling your toes.  You and Mommy would just laugh and laugh.  Then Daddy would of been jealous of how much Mommy was making your laugh, and he would try to get your nose.  You would laugh so much at Daddy.  That daydream was the best place I have been all week.  All year.  My entire life.   
     On Monday, Daddy and I went to visit you at your place.  We sat there for a really long time, and we didn't say anything, we kept it to ourselves.  My heart was so warm, I knew you were there with us.  Mommy felt bad, because I couldn't find a tiny elephant to leave there for you, but I am still looking.  I thought about taking the baby elephant figurine off of the top of our entertainment center, the one that goes with the momma elephant...but I didn't want to separate them.  As silly as it sounds, when I look at that figurine, I think of you and me. 
     This past week, you had your 8 month birthday in heaven.  Although time has flown by, there hasn't been a day that Mommy and Daddy haven't thought about you, loved you, and wanted you with us.  We talk about you all of the time.  We think you would have Daddy's chin, and Mommy's dark hair, and of course, Daddy's charm.  You would have had both of your grandmothers' hearts wrapped around your tiny finger for sure.  And as much as everyone would want to hold you, Mommy would never want to let you go.  You are for sure, Mommy's little man.
     Can you feel our kisses that we send up to Heaven?  There are somedays when I am just driving, or talking, or resting, and all of a sudden, I get a feeling.  And I know its you saying hello.  Hello, my baby.

Always loving you, always thinking of you, always missing you,





  1. Megan,
    Your letters to Gabriel are so beautiful, I don't have a doubt in my heart that he hears you. I read your blog from the beginning and am so proud of myself...I only cried twice! :-) Your journey is a hard one, but your courage and shining spirit shine through and it's inspiring.

    I have no doubt in my heart that you and your husband will have a living baby soon to complete your family. As we both know, life doesn't care that we have unfair as it is.

    They say everything happens for a reason - I happen to dislike that saying, mostly because it implies that our children did not live for a reason and that I find absolutely unacceptable. But, things do tend to have a way of working out in the end, not necessarily the way we wanted them to and not sometimes without heartbreak. I feel good things coming your way so open your heart, relax and let them come. If anyone deserves good things, it's you.

  2. Megan,

    I know exactly what you mean about Gabriel sending you comfort. Yesterday, I had a difficult day and missed Christian so much and many tears fell. I just needed a "sign" that he is okay. It was dusk and I was watering my plants and a little "firefly" flashed in front of me...only one. That was my sign, as I always refer to Christian as my "little firefly". My heart was comforted.

    Keep those little elephants together on your entertainment center :)

    This letter is so incredibly sweet and I do admit I cry reading it, as I have so many of those feelings myself....even though I've had a year I still have those days when the burden is so heavy.

    Be well sweet friend...know that I send you love along your journey.


  3. Wow, your letter is so touching. I'm positive I couldn't go back and read your blog from the beginning and only cry twice!