Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Resist the Urge

I am grappling with a lot of different feelings lately. 

Each day that passes in February is one day closer to March 11, Gabriel's original due date. 

Each day, I have these thoughts, about, how big I should be, or what the nursery would have looked like, how my baby showers would have went.  Every stressful day at work reminds me that if things would have gone according to my plan, I would only have 2 weeks left before taking a leave of absence for the rest of the school year.

according to my plan.

I originally titled this blog: my new life plan.  Even after Gabriel went to Heaven, I was willing to accept that I didn't have control and to let life happen to me.  But thats when I thought I would be pregnant within a couple of months of my son's death.  When I did fall pregnant again, it was ectopic, another rarity, and although I got to keep my fallopian tube, I am now saddled with a whole new set of worries, which fall like boulder size weights on my shoulders.  Now, I not only have to worry about the health and development of a baby, but that the egg will actually get to where it needs to go.

I am trying to resist the urge to panic for that control.  See, Josh and I have the okay to try again, and although this month is probably a bust ( I am out of town during the time I typically conceive...another fact that I hate knowing considering I have no baby to show for it) we have decided to start over, and treat this new possibility of a baby like we did way back in June, when we were trying for the first time.  "Whatever happens, happens" type of attitude.  Well, then we start talking about how really, a holiday baby would be rather cool!  If the baby is born in November, Josh can dress him/her up in Michigan football gear and Broncos gear and that would be so much fun!  Or, how cool would a December baby be, we can have the baby and my dad be the Christmas babies!  We could have joint parties and really truly celebrate the blessings of the season. 

As Josh and I were talking about this, my heart started to race...I felt the need to control the situation...okay, so if we are going to make this holiday baby thing happen, then we only have February and March..what if it doesn't happen, what if it does and I miscarry again..what if, what if, what if....

And then I shut down.  I stop answering my phones, and I stop caring.  I get sad, depressed, and most of all, angry and frustrated.  I wish I had a crystal ball, to look into and just know that things were going to be okay.

And I think of Gabriel, every second that I am awake.  And I wonder what he would of looked like, how big he would have been inside of labor would have been in normal circumstances.  I feel this need to honor him, and I don't know how.  Josh is going out of his mind, wanting to know if they buried him yet (the hospital does the burying of babies his gestational age quarterly) and he says that when he is buried, that is enough for him.  Me, I don't need to know that he is buried...I just want to honor him somehow.  I just don't know what to do.  I thought about getting his memory box down, or even going in that room (which by the way, has been closed off.  I can't go in there)  but I can't.  I open the closet and see those baby clothes and I can't go in there. 

How can I openly mourn my son?  I don't even know how to make my blogspot look like other moms' sites.  I don't want a funeral or memorial service...but especially in March, how can I remember him without being so angry that he is not here? 

I would have been a great mom.  Can I still call myself a mom when my baby is in Heaven?

Someday, I will hold a baby in my arms, and know that all of this pain, was worth it.  As someone so eloquently put it to me, "yes, it would be terrible if this happens again, but it won't it be WONDERFUL when it doesn't? 

I am just so worried that the wonderful will never come.  And if I am worrying so much, then I am not resisting the urge for that control.  I have failed...again.


  1. Megan,

    You asked if you are a Mother...let this poem answer for you

    What Makes A Mother

    I thought of you and closed my eyes
    And prayed to God today
    I asked "What makes a Mother?"
    And I know I heard him say
    A Mother has a baby
    This we know is true
    But, God, can you be a mother
    When your baby's not with you?

    Yes, you can he replied
    With confidence in his voice
    I give many women babies
    When they leave it is not their choice
    Some I send for a lifetime
    And others for the day
    And some I send to feel your womb
    But there's no need to stay.

    I just don't understand this God
    I want my baby here

    He took a breath
    and cleared his throat
    And then I saw a tear
    I wish I could show you
    What your child is doing today
    If you could see your child smile
    With other children and say
    "We go to earth to learn our lessons
    of love and life and fear
    My mommy loved me so much
    I got to come straight here
    I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
    I learned my lessons very quickly
    My Mommy set me free.

    I miss my Mommy oh so much
    But I visit her each day
    When she goes to sleep
    On her pillow is where I lay
    I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
    And whisper in her ear
    Mommy don't be sad today
    I'm your baby and I am here"

    So you see my dear sweet one
    Your children are okay
    Your babies are here in My home
    And this is where they'll stay
    They'll wait for you with Me
    Until your lessons are through
    And on the day you come home
    they'll be at the gates for you

    So now you see
    What makes a Mother
    It's the feeling in your heart
    It's the love you had so much of
    Right from the very start
    Though some on earth
    May not realize
    Until their time is done
    Remember all the love you have
    And know that you are
    A Special Mom


  2. Megan,

    Thank you for visiting my blog and for the sweet comments. You touch on so many of the emotions that I have felt over the past 9 months since our little one grew his wings. I too have those "what if" thoughts, but have willed myself to journey through the storm. My biggest challenge is to allow God to direct my steps, as I want to be the one in control. I wan't to fix what's broken and know that real JOY again. But, I realize its God's plan and not mine.

    Christian was to be a holiday baby, due December 2nd 2009, born to heaven. Now, we pray that we can give our angel an earthly sibling. It's all so complicated, but never lose sight of your FAITH and hold on to HOPE, as its ever present.

    As for your blog, I think it looks nice. Mine was very simple in the beginning, as I had never blogged before, but once I got the hang of things it took off :) If you want help let me know and I'll help you as best I can.

    Hugs, love and Sunshine coming your way