"I Snuggle My Mommy"

In about 3 weeks, I will be going back to school.  In the meantime, I am not only trying to get myself ready by planning my curriculum maps and school supply lists, but I am trying to get Lucy ready to go back to daycare on August 12th, which means, no more staying up incredibly late with her mama, mandatory rest periods instead of "play all day" periods, and no more snuggling mommy in order to get to sleep.  I am weaning her off of the paci by only allowing her to have it for car rides and sleep, and pretty soon, I will be eliminating car rides.  Potty training is still....hell.  So I am keeping her in diapers for now.

The problem is, I am trying to savor every moment too.  I know that (God willing) this will be my last summer of just Lulu and me.  I know that she is growing up fast, and she won't be in this stage forever of always wanting to be with me. 

This summer I have caught myself complaining a lot of just being tired...tired of playing shapes all day, or tired of playing cars or singing songs.  I have said numerous times that I am tired of just being the constant entertainer for 9 hours straight....I have even said that thank God I have my career, because I am not stay at home mom material. 

Then tonight, as we were forcing Lulu to go to sleep at her new mandated bed time, she kept begging to "snuggle Mommy, I please snuggle my mommy."  Although we didn't let her, I wanted to so bad that it hurt. 

And just then, I started to miss her.  I still have 3 weeks with her, just my Lulu and me, and I already am aching for our summer alone together.  Of picking out her clothes together in the morning, where she constantly grabs things that don't match and I say "Nooooooo" really loudly and she laughs and goes and grabs something else that I won't let her wear. 

I already miss her begging me to let her put on my make up.  I let her.  She tries to eat the sponges though, so I have to watch her carefully.

I already miss our walks at the park where she recalls our routine.  "I go to the park, Mommy, and I eat a sucker and I eat fruit snacks, and I play..." 

I already miss her begging me to go shopping, and when we do, I already miss her telling me that I look "beautiful" or "marvelous" when I try something on.  I miss when she wants to play toys, or to play flash cards.  "Mommy, what animal is this?"  And I always get confused because she is holding up an orange rectangle flashcard, and there is no animal in sight. 
I miss her wanting to "cheers" me all the time when we get our drinks after the park.  When I work on school stuff during the day, I miss her grabbing my books, and pretending to read them.

My little girl is pretty amazing.  I know it is normal to be tired of the same old routine, but today it hit me like a punch in the face that my normal is fleeting.  It won't be like this much longer.  She will continue to grow up, and we will expand our family, and get busier, and buy a new house, and jobs will become crazier....but until then...
So to quote (kinda) the lines I read from Little Critter almost everyday in our mundane routine...

 I am so happy to be...spending my summer, just my beautiful Lulu and me. 

Rain, Rain, Go Away!!! And Take the TV with You!!

I have had quite a bit of "mommy guilt" lately.  I did this last year too, where I start out the summer all "gung-ho" about planning fun stuff for Lucy and I to do.  See, my life is all about planning.

I plan the weekly grocery list, and if it is not written down precisely on a list, I cannot go to the store. 

I plan how much money I have by constantly looking at, writing down, and tweaking my budget.

I plan lessons for my students, even in the summer.

I plan out my weekends.

I plan out how I want my house decorated.

I plan, I plan, I plan.

I am not a fly-by-the-seat of my pants person, and I am very much like that as a mom.  I wanted to plan weekly activities and crafts, and I did it one week before I realized...this is NOT going to work.


I can't check Lucy off of a list....in fact, she is really in charge of our daily routine.  Her mood dictates the whole day sometimes.  Sometimes, she just wants to play outside at her water table and sandbox.  As a planner, my insides scream: "we can't, because we haven't done our learning activity!!!"

Then I get mad for being a planner.  It is way more work to plan.  I work so much all of the time, I don't want it to be work to stay home with my kid.  And lately, it has been starting to feel like work. 

So this week, I have eased up a bit.  So what if I don't hit the park by 10:00 A.M. every morning.  Leaving at 11 because Lucy wants to play with her toys won't make me a bad mom.

I will tell you what has though (not that I am a bad mom, but why I have guilty feelings).

This week has been really rainy, so Lucy has been playing in the house a lot.  I started watching court TV, especially with the whole Zimmerman trial.  I don't watch it for entertainment purposes, but I am really fascinated lately with our judicial system, and how the media portrays certain situations (well, all situations).  So, I have left it on in the background, and have it on in the car, and get updates on my phone, yadda yadda.

Yesterday, I had the worst headache. And I think its because of having the TV and phone in front of me all the time lately.  I am a big advocate of technology, but also a big advocate of creativity and reading, and activity.  During the school year, my DVR is always 99 percent full because I never watch anything, I just record it for a snow day or nap times....then I never watch it.  Lucy is only allowed 2 episodes of TV a day (unless Daddy lets her watch more) and yet, I find myself watching it all day for this trial.  Granted, I think the trial symbolizes so much for our country right now, which is why I am hooked, but I won't get into that here.  However, I also found myself turning on TV for Lucy just so that she would leave me alone so that I could continuously watch the trial in the kitchen.  I would get mad that she wouldn't nap, because it cut into my trial time.

What in the heck am I doing???

 As a parent and a career-oriented person, there has to be a proper balance of "me time" and responsibility time.  With that being said, this week has all been about the obsessive part of me that usually only comes out in my cleaning or nagging of my husband.  And I have been surprised at myself.

So, right now, right here, I make two promises.  One, I will not over-plan my summer with Lucy.  I have to accept that her learning or brilliance will not suffer simply because we play outside all day.  And two, I will not let HLN ruin my time with Lucy.  I will save my obsessiveness for my house and husband only.


Til next time,

Megan

Butterflies All the Way Around

This week was my first week off of school for the summer, and my first week off with Lucy.  I always freak out about summers off, only because I am such a workaholic that I worry that the same ol' routine won't satisfy me.  I can't just lay around and be lazy.  I feel like I have to constantly work to achieve goals, whether that be cleaning my house, planning for that BCSN's Teacher of the Year Award (why the heck won't my kids get on the ball and nominate me?? Darn it, I wish I could nominate myself, haha), or getting the most out of time with Lucy- I am a planner.  Lucy is so smart, and although I would like to take most of the credit, and I do in public, I do attribute it a lot to her educational daycare.  So...in the absence of daycare, my goal with Lucy is to keep educating her with themed weeks.

This week we conquered butterflies and ladybugs.

Successes: symmetrical butterfly crafts, and fingerprint lady bugs. We also colored a lot of bugs and we read the fun facts.  I also think that having a very regimented schedule helped.  We walk every morning at 10 at "the forest" as Lucy says (by the way, the Tickle Monster hides in the forest, so we are quiet when we walk in particular areas) and then we come home after Lucy is done swinging at the playground.  At home, we do our learning activity/craft, have outside play time in the water, go eat lunch, watch one Disney Junior program, NAP, wake up, snack, Free play or one more show, then DADDY IS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Failures: my being a poor and non creative craftswoman.  Our fingerprint ladybugs did not turn out how I would have liked because I had to keep turning my back to check Pinterest on my phone to see if I was doing the craft right, and then Lucy would go hog wild in the paint.  Messy all the way around.  Oh, and another failure would be comparing Lucy's art to Pinterest.  Toddlers aren't making half the stuff people are saying they are.  Just sayin.'  But, with that said, there are some very crafty moms out there, and I am jealous of you.

Now on my other thoughts this week:

Potty training is my HELL.  How do you even teach a child the urge to go?  And now she insists on M and M's just for sitting there....and since I gave in a few times, I guess that is my fault.  I even tried tickling her on the toilet on purpose so that she would go, and then she did, and now when we sit her on the potty, she has to make a game.  "GET OUT PEE PEE!!" she yells, which is cute, but that is what I said when I tickled her, so now she waits to be tickled.  AHHHHH!!!

Lucy watched fireworks last night at her Aunt and Uncle's for Summerfest.  To say she was adorable was an understatement.  "SO beautiful" she would say.  "From outer space!"  As I watched her, I knew that God gave me the sweetest little girl on the planet.  I knew I wanted to experience that moment a million times over.  Its not like she was doing anything spectacular, she was just oohing and aaaahing over fireworks.  But it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in a while- watching my daughter experience something new.  I know that I said before that I am not ready for baby #2, and to be honest, I am not.   I am still scared out of my mind.  But watching Lucy gave me butterflies and confirmation that being a mommy is the best job.  It is worth the scary parts.

See you next week, it will be PRINCESS week at the Koz house!

Meg

Lulu's Last day of School!

I wrapped up school on Wednesday of this week, and then Lucy finishes today.  We decided to keep her in school (educational daycare) until today so that she can bring in party stuff and say a proper goodbye to her teachers and friends.

She brought in cupcakes, which are her favorite treats at the moment, and a nice Mickey Mouse card for her teachers. 

I love her daycare.  I love it a teeeeeeny bit less than I did at the beginning of the year, because of a few staff switches and Lucy's favorite teachers put in their notices.  That was hard for me both as a teacher and a parent, and it made me wonder if my parents (of my high schoolers, that is) feel the same.  What if I left?  Would the parents be just as heartbroken? 

When Ms. J and Ms. S left Lulu's daycare, I was devastated.  Lucy talked about them, loved on them, and learned so much from them.  When I found out that Ms. H was taking over, and she was about the age of my graduating seniors, I was upset.  I wanted experienced "mommy" teachers with my girl all day. 

That made me think, do parents care what teachers their children have, even as high schoolers?  I love my academy, and as of right now, wouldn't dream of leaving, but if I did want to make a professional change, I know that I would be passed up on interviews due to my experience.  Right now, the trend in education is "hire the cheapest" educator possible.  More experience means more expensive, and although the young pups coming out of college may seem like a great choice because they are eager and cheaper,  I feel like schools are going to suffer because of that decision to disregard experience.  I am a better teacher for the years I had to sub, because I had to learn a multitude of different classroom management styles and build the self-confidence to run my own classroom.  That was achieved by subbing for 2 years.  I think that should be mandatory upon leaving college.

But back to my main point, I like Ms. H just fine...but boy, she isn't nearly as "good" to my Lulu as Ms. J and Ms. S.  I hope by next year, I see a change, or Lulu and I will be switching facilities.  That will always be the price Lucy pays for having an educator as a mother.....she will never have to settle for anything less than what I believe she should be provided.  

As far as today goes, Josh took the day off and we will be house hunting, since we may be expanding our family in the near future, so it is time to get the ball rolling.  I will also start meal planning and activity planning for Lucy's summer off with me.  I am on the search for toddler activity blogs!!

Have a great weekend, everyone.  As I have noticed in a lot of my posts, my tone has been changing...I used to be pretty good at interjecting personality (my humor and sarcastic self, haha).  I hope to get back to the more authentic voice.  Writing is a way that I feel connected to myself....if that makes any sense.  I have changed the course of this blog many times, because I have a variety of things to say.  It started out with a therapeutic way to survive the loss of Gabriel, and then I wanted it to be a journal for Lucy (I tried handwritten journals like I did back in the day, but technology kept calling my name!) and now, I feel a calling to just, well....to write.  Whether it be about toddler activities, my climb up the professional ladder,  education as a whole, or my handicapped dog, I just want to write, plain and simple. 

I hope you enjoy following along. 

Best,
Megan

The End is Near!

The end is near!  The end of the school year that is!

I have been working a bunch more than I usually do.  This year, I was in charge of prom, the year-long Senior Project, Senior Advisor, newspaper, yearbook, and all teacher professional development.  It was a lot to take on, and I was so glad to do it.  This year has been the most rewarding years of my career, and I feel like I am truly the teacher I dreamt I would be.

Since I had been so busy, that meant a lot of late nights at school.  I didn't really think it was affecting Lulu that much since she is with her daddy or grandparents, but when I spent Memorial Day with her, it became apparent how my absence has irritated her.  Some call it terrible twos, but I know when my daughter is just being ornery versus wanting her mommy's attention.

The hitting and the kicking was the worst.  She spent the majority of Memorial Day in time-out.  I also think she has been getting time-outs at school, because she is bragging about them.  "Mommy, I get time-out...not listening," she says.  Yep. Sounds like Lulu alright. 

Tonight, with the first day of exams underway, I miraculously didn't have any school work to do tonight, so I spent the entire evening with my girl.  She and I played flashcards, read books, ate a snack....She loves certain books, so much so that she reads to me because she has them memorized. The book she is obsessed with now is called "Ten Little Ladybugs" and although Josh and I think the book is a bit morbid (I swear that all 10 ladybugs die....) Lucy loves counting down from ten to one.  One line reads, "three little ladybugs drinking up the dew..." and she laughs hysterically.  It is something about that word, dew, that makes her laugh.  So then I was laughing.  And she kept laughing.  After reading it about 3 more times, it was all snuggles and cuddles on the couch, kisses and huggies, and I knew that I was the luckiest mom in the world.

I can't wait to give her all my attention.  Maybe next year I will find the balance between my kiddo and my other kiddos.  I just refuse to stop being involved at school.  Those are my kids too, and I want to raise Lucy to understand the importance of good adult role models and what a difference they can make for teenagers.   I know a lot of people can leave work at work, but I can 't.  Just like I can't stop thinking about my Lucy while I am at school, I can't stop thinking about my classes at home. 

I hope my students make good choices over the summer.   I do worry about some of them, especially since I won't be around this summer to "hold their hands"...I will be too busy holding the hand of my little girl, and LOVING every moment!!

Kick off to summer 2013!!!

Baby #2?

Before I go on with my new post, I want to thank you for the comments on my last pity-party post.  What kind words of encouragement you all gave me :-) 

Today I broke down a bit.  My boss says that I have a soul of steel and she is right...I never get emotional that often.  I get emotional when I am frustrated, or scared...and even as a high school teacher, I am not frustrated too often.  I was pretty numb when I lost Gabriel, and even then, I only really cried in private...and when I wrote these posts.

My high schoolers are graduating.  Some of them have been my English students since the 8th grade.  It really points out how old I feel like I am becoming.  And although I am not really old (almost 31, or as I say to my students, "29 heavy"), knowing that 5 years ago I got hired at a small community school, was assigned an 8th grade class, and now I get to watch them graduate, makes me see time and how it has elapsed.  I saw my seniors literally grow up. 

5 years ago, I was hired.  That is all it took for Josh and I to start talking about having kids.  We just wanted me hired in my field of study.  And once I was...the idea of Gabriel was conceived, and soon enough, he was.

We all know how that turned out.

And beautiful little Lucy- who is turning out to be quite the terrible twoster, may I add, turned out perfect. 

And now, we are talking about Baby 2. 

It is amazing how my feelings about babies and pregnancy have changed.  Once upon a time, I couldn't fathom the thought of not being pregnant.  Now I struggle with feelings of being scared to be. Josh talks and talks, but to be honest, I don't even want to try. 

Life is good.  Life is sooooo good.  Beautiful todder, who is smart...my God, is she smart.

My job may not be my dream job monetarily speaking, but wow, am I serving my purpose.  I have always wanted to make a difference for high school kids.  And I know that I do.  Thinking of my seniors leaving...I feel like I am having separation anxiety, because it has been them and me for 5 years.  Granted, I have other classes, but they were mine first.  They pulled me through that time when I wanted to give up.  They needed me too.

My marriage is better than ever, and I see so many parents of two or more struggle.

But everything I just said is just a list of excuses.  The fact of the matter is, I am scared.  Now that we are actually talking about trying again, I am scared.  I don't want the high risk appointments, the constant blood draws, the ultrasounds....most people relish that they have ultrasounds, not me...I know that they are just checking to see if my baby has a defect or is even alive at all.

It's just scary.  It is scary that Josh wants to try again....like soon. 

So I broke down today...because with prepping for graduation and the LOADS of work I am doing, I don't want my summer to get here.  Because I am scared to try. 

I miss writing

Sometimes, its hard to write because I don't even know if anyone reads this.  However, do I really need an audience? 

This started out as a miscarriage blog, and it was so therapeutic.  I actually did my best writing in a long time. 

Then, I thought I would shift gears and turn it into a Mommy blog.  But there is so much more to me than that....(even though its the best part of me...)

Now, I just want to write.  Is there an audience out there for writing about....anything?

I do a lot of TV watching.  It is so depressing.  I used to be a writer.  I used to be a reader.  Now I am a reality TV show junkie.  I also am starting to live on my I-Phone.  As a mom, this isn't the type of parent I want to be.  As a human being, it is for sure not who I want to be.

So, I hope there is an audience out there for me.  I am even getting ideas for a small book/story I want to write.  I used to do that stuff all the time.  Maybe I will write some stuff here.  Why not?  It is my blog after all.  If no one reads it, then no one reads it.

Will you read my blog? 

My favorite photo of the summer

Well, summer is officially over for me, since I have started back in my classroom. Lucy grew up so much this summer, and although I didn't post as much as I would have liked, my heart was so full of everything I wanted to say.

I feel like with each school year, comes a year of renewal of goals. The new school year is like my New Years. It is my chance to handle everything with grace and do the best I can do.

I feel like since my summer is over, and with Labor Day weekend upon us, I should post an "end of the summer" picture.

I chose one to honor Gabriel, who has been on my mind these days.

When I was pregnant with Gabriel, my sister bought me a bunch of blue elephant stuff, and she gave it to me when I found out I was pregnant with Lucy. She didn't know how to give it to me back then, as we didn't know if Gabriel was going to be full term or not. Anyway, since a lot of it was blue, I never got it out for Lucy.

One day, Lucy and I were playing with stuffed animals and in the pile was the blue elephant that was for Gabriel. Instantaneously, Lucy gravitated towards it. She had a pink "lovie" named Ellie Nellie, but Ellie seemed insignificant at that moment....and apparently, Ellie is only good enough for bedtime. For every other occasion, she wants the blue elephant, who we all have named "Gus." We wanted to keep a G name, and its easy for her to say. She doesn't want to go anywhere without Gus. She asks for Gus constantly...especially when she gets hurt or needs comfort. Gus is her best friend...besides Mommy of course.

Josh and I like to think that she senses something. Gus keeps her safe...just like her big brother. After all, Gus was meant for Gabe.

It just warms my heart, that's all...an I think its the perfect picture to end the summer season of blogs. 

Lucy with Gus.

Well...in the absence of blogs...there were activities.

Even though many, mainly my mother, can laugh that I set myself up for failure by planning a blog per day, I can say, that I did not fail in spending quality action packed time with my lovely daughter.  Life got away from me this summer.  Which means, it has been a good summer.

Here are some pics of what Lulu and I have done together. 

We went to the mall with our purses....

We played with Mrs. Potato Head

We painted our toes, however, ONE of us squirmed more than the other...

We went to the lake...

Where we played in the sand...

...and swam with cousins

Lucy had coffee with Grammy

and played ball in her chair....

She has taken several walks with her best friend, Darren

Played with her bubble mower and bowling pins

Swam with Aunt Mandy

Had ice cream with her best dog

And we even saw elephants at the zoo. 

We only have until August 12th before Mommy goes back to work.

I'll try to fit a blog in before that  ;-)

Meg

Activities: Day Two and Day Three!

Unfortunately, due to lack of batteries, I don't have any morning shots! 

However, our AM Activity was another walk at the park with our friend Denise.  We love walking so much that you may see a repeat of that activity!

Lunch: Applesauce and Spinach Ravioli.  She looks so serious, doesn't she?

After her nap, my Lulu tends to wake up a little cranky.  So Mommy has a snack ready to go, and she is allowed to watch one episode of Little Einsteins. 

Our PM Activity today (Day Two) was puzzle-mania.  We invited Patty and Darren over again to partake.  Lucy actually did very well on her puzzles, she understood that the pieces had to go somewhere (besides her mouth, that is!)

  DAY THREE

Morning Breakfast: Mommy made Chocolate Chip Muffins! Yum!

AM ACTIVITY: Walk with Patty and Darren around our own neighborhood.

She was very good the entire time.  Talked up a storm.

Lunch Day Three: Cheesy Cauliflower and Peaches.  She ate the whole plate.  So hungry!

Snack: Grapes and Turkey
PM ACTIVITY: Finger painting!

We bought her an art smock and she was excited.

She loved the feel of the paint between her fingers.

We did four paintings total.  She loved smacking her hands on the paper, and she would ask for the colors by pointing.  I swear she tried to say the word "yellow" when I asked her if that was the color she wanted.

After, because she was so messy and it was so hot out, we hosed off outside and had some pool time!

What a great Friday.  We will see you all back with an update on Monday!

Love, Meg and Lucy





Momma May Be On Summer Break, but I am still Planning!

Introduction to my summer project: Lulu's Activity-Filled Summer! 

I have not been updating as much, because school has kicked me in the dupa and left me exhausted.  Now, however, I am on summer break, and get to be a stay-at-home mom for 2 whole months.  As ecstatic as I am, it also scared the begeezees out of me.  Daycare had Lucy so structured.  She was always so involved with play and activities.  I immediately thought, Wow.  Lucy is going to be so bored with me.

So...with that terrifying thought, I began my summer project.  Lucy and I are going to have a fun-filled summer.  Not only am I scheduling events and activities, but I am planning healthy meal options and also, projects for myself during nap times.  It will be a structured summer, but a good one, and thought that my blog was the perfect place to document it.  This blog of course is dedicated to my children, in loving memory of my son, Gabriel.  I will be creating another blog, an edublog, to document school stuff and of course use as my web page/blog for my classes in the 2012-2013 school year.  I am excited to take my blogging to a new level, and will seriously be making the commitment to updating daily. 

So, here it is.  Activity Day 1!!

Lesson Planning isn't hard for me, for high schoolers anyway.  I actually get a kick out of planning their 180 school days.  But with Lucy, it is a whole new ball game.  She has only a 20 second attention span, and needs constant attention right now.  She doesn't really free-play, she wants something more involved.  My plan: have free play until breakfast, then have a morning activity, then lunch, free play, and nap.  After nap, have a lengthy PM activity, with a snack somewhere in there, and then dinner by 6:30.  I think that sounds pretty structured, and hopefully I can come up with some fresh ideas too.  If any reader out there has any suggestions, please comment! 


Here is my calendar that I made for this week.  It started on Tuesday, because we were in Las Vegas until Monday afternoon.

I am trying to schedule meals in advance, so it makes grocery shopping easier too.  If I don't know about dinner, I will fill in the blanks later, obviously.    The other stuff box is for Mommy, and today I added a checklist of items I wanted to get done during her nap time. 

Day 1/Activity 1 (AM): Walking at Wildwood Park

Since I was having a great time on the walk, I forgot to pull out my camera, but we got some shots in the car before leaving the park.  We invited my friend Patty with us and her son Darren, who is 13 months, and it was a great time.  We walked from 10 am to 11:15.  The kiddos snacked on goldfish and Patty and I got to have some adult convo time! 

Day 1- Lunch- Eggs, Cheese, and Grapes!  Yum!

Day 1/Activity 2: (PM): Outside Play: Water Table and Pool Time!
Snack: Chex Mix

Again, we invited Patty and Darren and had outdoor playtime with the new toys we bought.  The table said that it provided "hours of fun" and Darren and Lucy were pretty preoccupied from about 3pm to 5 pm! 

My little bear had a great day!  She only napped 45 minutes today, but was tuckered out by 9 pm!! 

I am so excited for tomorrow!  I know it is the first day in, but I loved today so much! 

Surprise

Surprise!  I haven't updated my blog (sarcasm implied).

Between Lucy, work, and work associated with work, I am crazy busy,  Today Lucy is at "school,"enjoying an Easter party, and I was going to work, but Surprise!  I cannot find the motivation.  I keep coming back to my computer, knowing I should work, but mad that I have to, considering I am on Spring Break.  So, Surprise!  I have been slacking, then Surprise!...beating myself up afterwards.  I just want a normal life....being off when I am off......

Because of work, and wanting a professional change, Josh and I have made a decision to not try for another baby until 2013.  Surprise!
This is a surprise to me...considering all that we went through with Gabriel, I thought that I would want to be pregnant as many times as God blessed me. 

But we aren't in a financial position right now to do that...and although we are on our way, I need another year of stability, of making money, of applying for jobs that will be better for my reproductive future.  And the surprise of it all, is that I am okay with that.  Lucy is so exhausting.  I love her sooooo much....and I am enjoying just being with her.  I am scared to add to my family...with a job I have now.  I can't handle literally one more thing on my plate.

And Surprise! , that decision, makes me sad.

I Am Going To Chase That Happy

If there is one thing that I know Josh hates about me, its the fact that I let movies/books/TV influence me, or I compare my life to them.

Today, we saw the movie "The Vow," and it got me thinking.  Not about romance, not about car accidents, not about Channing Tatum (believe it or not...) but instead it got me thinking about jobs.

Rachel McAdams' character is an artist, quit law school to just follow her passion.  And when she cannot remember what she does after the accident, her husband tries to tell her by saying "I would have to come down to the studio and remind you that it was night time so that you would come home and come to bed." 

I want that.

I love being a teacher.  I feel like I make a difference in my students' lives.  I feel like I am a constant life-long learner, trying to make my content interesting, fun, and challenging.  I am a mother to 90 inner-city kids.  I offer them understanding.  They give me a new perspective on my life.  My car was broken into a few nights back..while I was having a pity party about trash being thrown about my car, one of my student's saw someone shot outside of their house.  I am motivated to do better by them, and I hope that I motivate them to be better than what they could have been the day before.

As much as I love my profession, I am finding it hard to love my job.  I feel handicapped by state test requirements, administrative demands, and general lack of time. 

I always feel tired.  I always feel like I have to fight...whether it be with a parent, a boss, or my government in regards to the teaching profession. 

I don't have to be dragged out of school because I am having a blast.  I leave with the biggest headache and so much pressure that carries the weight of the moon.

I fantasize about writing.  I want to write feature columns for a magazine...I want to be on staff where I write, and write, and write, and pitch ideas to someone who thinks I have a talent and a gift.  I don't know how to just abandon ship from where I am at, and fullfill that dream.

I can't move to where those magazines are...and I cannot afford to freelance.

I picture myself in a quaint small down, grabbing a Starbucks after taking Lulu to school, and going to my office and writing.    I always joke with Josh and say that I want to be Andy Anderson from "How to Lose a Guy In Ten Days."   

I want Josh to drag me away from my computer late at night to remind me to go to bed, and I won't be able to because I have a deadline, and I am writing about how to help women with loss, or a new trend in parenting, or how to be fashion forward when on a budget...or things that really interest me.

I am ready for a change.  And I don't know how to do it.  All I know, is that if I keep traveling along this path, this path of "I am good at what I do, and too scared to do anything else,"  then I am bound to feel this weight all of the time.  I will be handcuffed to stress and unhappiness and depression. 

Please pray that I am directed down the right road.

Common

Last Sunday night, Lucy had a seizure.

She was fighting a temperature all day, and at one point, it was 103.6, but I wasn't worried.  She was acting the same as she always acts....she was eating a little less than normal, but I thought nothing of it.  In the evening I was getting ready to give her a bath and I took her temp, it was 102.4.  I thought, bath time, and Tylenol time after that.

I got her out of the tub, and she just wouldn't stop shivering.  Her hands and feet were an odd gray color, and soon, her lips were gray too.  Josh was out of town, and I called my mom to come to the house and give me an opinion...something wasn't right.

Next thing I knew, she got all stiff, and her eyes rolled back, and she was gone.  Passed out I guess, but in my hysteria, I thought she wasn't breathing.  I literally thought she had died for a second.

I have never had to call 911 before, and here I was, calling in hysterics. 
Please save my baby, please hurry!

Her temp was 106 by then. 

To make a long and dramatic story short, she had a febrile seizure, or seizures triggered by a fast change of temperature. She is fine, thank God.  God provided a wonderful doctor at St. V's to help Lucy. 

Now when I say febrile seizure, so many people are talking about how common it is, and how its not serious, and even my own pediatrician said "next time, don't call 911, just schedule an appointment in the morning."

That pisses me off.

Anything that makes my baby sick is a big deal to me.  Whether its the flu or a seizure, it is a big deal.  She is my world.  There is nothing more in the world that pisses me off more than people making me feel like I am overreacting to something that endangers my child.  Even if Gabriel didn't happen to me, I would feel the same way.  Something came and took my child from me, and even if it was just for a second, it was a huge deal.    And if it happens again, I will call 911 every time.  What a scary situation, for me and for her.  I love and hate the word common.  That one little word can make me feel better, like I am not alone, and yet, it makes me feel like things are insignificant, unimportant.  Like...miscarriages are common.  I hate that word when used like that.   They are not supposed to be common....just like seizures are not common in my world.

Then the word common is used positively for relationships, like, Josh and I used to be so great because we have so much in common.....

Now it seems like all we have in common is parenthood.

Leave it to me to quote a TV show, but as I was watching Days of Our Lives yesterday, a character said "Marriage can be one of the loneliest places in the world, which is weird because you are supposed to marry the person who you share so many commonalities." 

Maybe I am just going through a common phase...marriage after baby. 

I just feel....so.....common....to him.

New Years Resolutions

Normally, I don't make resolutions.  For a long time after Gabriel, my goal was just to get pregnant.  Then, my goal was to not be obsessed about getting pregnant. 

Now that I have Lucy and my life is so different, I think resolutions are in order.  Everything is so different for me, as I am so busy, at home and at work.  I have been so unhappy lately, and I couldn't figure it out.  I am married to a man who loves me and who is 100% committed to me and family, I have a job that lets me do exactly what I went to college for, we have a roof over our heads, and we have the most healthy, amazing little girl.  We have our health and wonderful supportive families.  So why is it that I am so unhappy?  A lot of it is my attitude...and how I have let my busyness control me...instead of me controlling how busy I am.

Sometimes I need to take a step back.  I need to stop.  Maybe these resolutions will help me this year.  I am actually going to print this page and post it in my office.

So, here goes my list of resolutions for 2012:

1. Make God part of my life.  Stop just saying that I want Him in your life without working on that relationship.  Maybe buy a devotional.  Go to church.  Maybe sing a little while I am there.  Actions speak louder than words. 

    2.  Stop treating Josh like he is one of my students.  He is never going to treat me like I want him to if I
         constantly verbally bash him/nag him/be extremely critical of him.  Be the wife I want to be. 

    3.  Take a picture of Lucy every Sunday.  Take some in between Monday and Saturday too :-)

    4.  Follow my financial plan. "Debt is Bondage." 

    5.  Clean up something every night that isn't normal cleaning.  For example, tonight when Lulu went to
          bed, I cleaned my closet.  I need to do that every night, just something that takes 30 minutes or so,
          so that I am not overwhelmed on days off.
 
    6.  Read before bed.  Read books that are for me as well as for school.

    7.  Embrace my job.  Take things one step at a time, and really incorporate technology into my   
         classroom.  I am off to a great start, I just need to keep on truckin.'  Read and follow educational
         blogs.

    8.  Write.  Write, Write, Write.  Freelance at least 4 times.  Get more people reading this blog? 

    9.  Be a better pet owner. 

   10.  Set aside more relaxing time, whether its watching a movie of choice, or just doing this....blogging. 


Well, there it is....in writing.  I will stick to this....I will stick to this....

And Still...

It gets me everytime.

I can't hang up Gabriel's angel baby ornament without wishing that he was with me, and crying because he is not.


I miss him. 

SmartBoard makes me feel dumb...

Ahhh, the trials and tribulations of being a teacher...

When I graduated college in 2005, the only tech course required of me was an Internet writing course where I designed a web page and did PowerPoint, which is considered archaic by today's standards.  Then of course I have had the pleasure of working in relatively poor districts with overhead projectors from the 1970s.  Now, the National Council for the Teachers of English defines 21st century literacy as the following:

• Develop proficiency with the tools of technology
• Build relationships with others to pose and solve problems collaboratively and cross-culturally
• Design and share information for global communities to meet a variety of purposes
• Manage, analyze and synthesize multiple streams of simultaneous information
• Create, critique, analyze, and evaluate multi-media texts
• Attend to the ethical responsibilities required by these complex environments

Meaning, that apparently if students don' know how to manage technology like blogging, Twitter, Wikis, Glogster, Prezis, IPADs, etc....and share learning with a worldwide community (such as YouTube) then really, they cannot be considered literate.  Hell, by these standards, I am not even considered literate. 
As a teacher, and as a smart person, I was offended when the PHD at the tech seminar I attended said this to me...that I wasn't literate. 

But literacy isn't reading and writing by book/hand anymore.

I have kids who don't even know how to type.  Or open Microsoft Word.

I have only 4 laptops in my room.  How in the heck do I make my students global media extraordinaries if I don't have any technology that makes them "literate" by today's standards?

So I get Smart Board.  Smart Boards are awesome because they are a huge interactive white board that really gets the students into the lessons.  When I went to the tech conference, I specifically chose the half-day seminar on Smart Boarding so that I could learn how to use it- never had before.  I still operate on a 1976 overhead projector.

So I go to this conference, get all inspired...and when I get back, I move the Smart Board into my room.

I don't even know how to plug the darn thing in.  I had cords everywhere...when I went to touch the board it did something funky instead of something cool like I was shown at this conference....and the worst part was...it was all in front of students who I was trying to impress and make "literate" for crying out loud!

The kids told me to go back to training.

Sigh.

Time for a Change

Wow...I have really let blogging go.

Today I found myself really moping around.  I had some free time, and during that free time I did the same three things that I always do during my free time.  1) watched mindless television, although, Restaurant Impossible and Chef Hunter are incredible shows....2) folded laundry (completely miserable) and 3) lesson planned, at a half-assed level. 

Then I thought about all of the things that I would rather be doing (finally blogging, writing in Lulu's journal, organizing her photo album, actually lesson planning like the kick-ass teacher that I used to be, Christmas shopping/planning, etc).

See, I used to be a creative work-aholic, in all aspects of my life, until Gabriel. 

And now, even though I am completely happy,  I still can't get out of shut-down mode when I am alone.

Well, this ends.  Because of the cute little girl posted above, I am going to do everything in my power to just be better.  Starting with blogging.   Why is blogging important to me?  Well, I recently just went to a tech seminar for educators in which I was told that all sorts of technology, including the use of a blog, is important not only to read what others are saying, but to teach all sorts of learners, not just the ones in my classroom, but to anyone out there in cyberspace who just might stumble upon it, and think that what I am trying to say is interesting.  The world can be my classroom.

I believe I have something to say, not just to people who have suffered losses, but to anyone...anyone experiencing a hectic life...who can possibly relate to me.  Gabriel might have been the start of my NEW life plan, and now my blog has to reflect me actually living that new life...off of the couch.

So, now my new blog, which will remain the same name because Gabriel inspired me to write again, will be about all sorts of things....my teaching experiences, my learning experiences, funny stories, family laughter, thoughts on the nation, the world, my world, my life. 

Welcome to the Kosakowski classroom. 

Happy 2nd angelversary, my love.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,Then whispered as she closed the book,"Too beautiful for Earth"-Unknown..

Facebook Slapped Me in the Face

I enjoy getting on Facebook.  I am almost obsessed with status updates.  It really is a convenient way to catch up with everyone and know what they are up to.

Today I signed on and as I was checking the updates of my friends, I saw a tab at the right that said..see what Megan was up to this day in 2009. 

2009.....I was pregnant with Gabriel at this time in 2009. 

I almost didn't click on the tab.  It sounds awful, but I haven't thought about him in awhile.  I will always love Gabriel, and so much of me now is because of him and that experience.  Everything changed, the way I think, the way I believe, the way I love, the way I question, the way I pray...my whole being is different.  So because of that, Gabe is always with me.  But, I am not walking around in a haze anymore, so in that regard, I haven't thought about him. 

I did click on the tab, and it said, "Megan Cole-Kosakowski is exhausted from planning the school week. But on the bright side, my first ultrasound is tomorrow and I get to leave school early at 2 :-)"

Slap.

I just sat there, staring at it.  Lucy was playing on the floor next to me, but its like..I heard no sound in the room.  I just kept staring at it.  This was the last day in 2009 that I was happy.  Ignorant bliss.  It was the next day that I was to find out that something was wrong with my baby.

Ever since reading that today, I have been walking around feeling like I have been slapped in the face.  Or punched in the gut......