Monday, October 12, 2009

Why Blog?

I am a writer, and once upon a time, I could fill up hand-written journals like no ones business.  I think I could do that because once upon a time, I could go outside, or sit in my mother's horse trailer like I used to and just....write.  Now that I live in an entirely different place and am not a kid anymore living with the parents (hence, no secret writing spots) I find it hard to write.  I cook dinner, clean house, teach school, grade papers, lesson plan, and on a really good day, I get to check my email.  When I do get on the couch, the television calls my name, and my journal sits in my underwear drawer. 

Now, since my "late miscarriage,"  which, I know was not that long ago, less than 2 weeks, I felt the need to blog for a few reasons.

1) I have been finding comfort in the words of other people.  In print form, I have already read 3 books on loss that completely stem from other people's experiences.  They have helped, but the books were written many years after the loss occurred.  I want to know that what I am feeling right now is probably is, according to these books.  I have also been going online a lot to read other people's stories, as I find comfort in not being so alone.  I thought if I can write what I am going through in the here and now, maybe, just maybe I can provide comfort for one other person, which would make this whole blog worth it.

2)  I think its much easier to journal this way.  Away from the couch...away from the television.  And I do think it is important to journal this heart-breaking moment in my life.  I would like to see my progression one day, from rock bottom to on top of the world.  People keep saying that I will get there...

3)  This blog will get me off the couch, where for the last 6 weeks, its been hard to peel myself off.  Not out of laziness, but from cripling anxiety, stress, and sadness.  Baby steps...

I hope that along the way, I may pick up some readers who may relate.  I don't plan on advertising that I do have a blog, because mostly, this is just therapy for me.  But if I can help someone not feel so alone, then I have done what I have set out to do.  My mother had a miscarriage before she had my older sister...and she said that after 29 years, she finally understood the purpose of her miscarriage:  To help me out with mine.  To be living proof that life can go on after such a tragic loss, and that healthy babies can still be had. 
Today, as I got all of my maternity clothes out of my closet, I thought about what purpose Gabriel's short time in the womb had.   I may never know, or understand it.  Right now, its hard not to be mad and upset about it.  Maybe the purpose was to help others this help others not feel so alone like I feel.  Maybe it was to strengthen my relationship with my husband.  Maybe it was to strengthen my relationship with the Lord.  Maybe it was for no good reason...

My life will never be the same.  And my plan that I had for my life has been altered (more to come on that later...)  and I have to find a "new normal."   I have to surrender to a new plan.  Sometimes, that is the hardest for me to deal with...surrending the control.  I had no control over this.  I couldn't fix Gabriel.  I couldn't make my pregnancy last.

I am hoping to heal. 

This is my story. 

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