Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Gabriel's memory box

Before I tell you Gabriel's story, I wanted to share what my husband and I will be doing today.  My aunt got us a memory box so that we can collect all of the tangible memories we have of our baby.  Since I will be going back to work at the end of the week, I want to get this all together and put away, so that when I have to establish a new normal, I won't have constant reminders of my old normal.  I can never escape the thoughts in my head that will keep pulling me back to my old normal, but I can put away the constant reminders of a life that will never be. 

Josh and I picked today to do this.  So when he gets home from work today, I should have all of his cards, pictures, appointment cards, his stuffed elephant, and his blessing certificate all together.  We will also have his journal.
I started keeping a pregnancy journal for Gabriel the minute I found out I was pregnant.  The only one I could find that day with an elephant on it was a pink one.  I later apologized to my son for this in the pink journal. 

Josh and I said we would both write him goodbye letters, pack up his box, put it in our closet, and then we are going to the movies...a comedy.  We want to then hold hands and laugh.  Its hard to think of that now, as I sit here crying about putting Gabriel's things away.
But I already wrote my goodbye letter, and thought I would share.  Its short...and I am trying not to feel bad about that.

My baby Gabriel,
    Right now, you are up in Heaven.  Hopefully your eyes are upon me now.  I know you don't want me to cry, but I can't help it.  I miss you with me so much.  I know I need to rejoice knowing that you are with Jesus, and that you are healed, and whole there in a beautiful Heaven, a place that is so beautiful that I can't even imagine it.  But it's hard, my baby.
     You were the best 16 weeks of my life.  As soon as I knew that you were a part of me, I became your mommy and I loved you more than I have ever loved before.  I loved your Daddy more, I loved life more, and before you, I didn't know that kind of love existed.  Mommy loves that you showed her that kind of love, and how to love like that.
     I am so sorry that I could not protect your tiny heart from this, and if I could have stopped that terrible cyst, I would have moved Heaven and Earth.  I promised a few letters back that I would protect you, and even though I am here on Earth strugging with the fact that my body couldn't save you from this, I know that you are protected from everything up in Heaven. 
     I am so proud that I got to be your Mommy, even if it was only for 17 weeks.  You are and will always be, my precious angel baby.
     Mommy will forever love you, and will forever send you her kisses, and forever anticipate the day that I get to hold you in my arms up in Heaven. 
     I love you so much, my precious baby Gabe.  As your Daddy and I always say when we talk about our love, we will love you "Always and Forever." 
Until I see you in Heaven,

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