Thursday, October 15, 2009

Gabriel's Story

When I found out I was pregnant, I think I was about 5 weeks or so.  Our first doctor's appointment went well, it was actually just a nurse visit who gave me lots of nutritional information, but she got me even more excited because she talked of touring the maternity ward at the hospital, and taking lamaz classes, and all of the stuff that I couldn't believe I was finally going to get to experience. 

I counted down the days until my first ultrasound, which was scheduled for the end of August.  I work as a teacher, and got to leave school early to meet my husband at the doc's office.  We were both so excited.

In the ultrasound room, the ultrasound tech wasn't saying anything, but we were seeing our tiny baby!  I was 11 weeks then, and he was a definite baby shape, and when the ultrasound tech finally did speak, she said, "The baby is very active!"  Our baby was waving his was the coolest thing I have ever seen.  She gave us three pictures and told us to wait for the doctor, since my regular appointment was right after.

Those few moments in the waiting room before I saw the regular doctor were the last moments my husband and I had to completely have a relaxed and happy pregnancy.  We gushed over our pictures, and secretly, hoped he was a boy.  It would have been awesome to have the first grandson on both sides. 

When the doctor called us back, she immediately said that my ultrasound was abnormal and that she saw 2 cysts, one on the umbilical cord and one in the baby's abdomen.  She had no further information for me, just that I needed to see a maternal-fetal specialist at the hospital.  My mind was in a whirlwind....immediately I was sad, angry, and panicked.  Why couldn't I have the normal pregnancy?  Everyone else I knew could have one...

When we finally saw a specialist a week later, my husband had convinced ourselves that this "cyst" was really nothing.  Plus, the baby was so young, things like this tend to resolve...atleast that is what we told ourselves.
The specialist was not pro-life and told my husband and I that there was really nothing good to tell us about our baby.  He believed the baby's abdominal and umbilical cord cyst were a chromosomal abnormality and with an obstructed bladder, there could be a variety of problems.  The only course of action that was discussed with me was termination or a CVS procedure to rule out chromosome problems, even though the doctor was pretty convinced it was one. I got the CVS right there on the spot.

It hurt so much, and Josh said he watched the baby squirm on the monitor as it was being done.  Afterwards, I was a complete wreck.  Luckily we both had the support of all family members, but especially our mothers, who came over that night immediately when they were able to.  Josh's mom brought over a stuffed elephant, we were talking of doing the nursery up in elephants, and that became the baby's comfort thing, even though he wasn't yet with us.  Maybe it became my comfort thing.

It may sound silly, but I slept with that elepahant in my pajama bottoms since we got it.  I would strap it to the elastic waist of whatever I was wearing, so it would be able to stay close to the baby.  Josh and I would pray every night that the doctors were wrong, and that everything would be fine.

In the meantime, even though I tried hard not to, I did research.  I felt that no one was giving me an explanation or even a definition, of what this could mean.  I researched abdominal cysts up and down. 

We got the news of the CVS procedure soon after, and everything was normal!  And we were having a boy!  Josh and I felt so lucky!  And then we definitely started questioning the doctors because I felt that they immediately thought it had to be a chromosome abnormality, and since it wasn't, what was next? 

I waited until my 17 week appointment to speak to my OB about the specialist, but it was there at the 17 week appointment that they could not find a heartbeat on the sound Doplar machine.  The next morning we were sent in for an ultrasound that confirmed that my baby was in Heaven.

Gabriel was born at 11:53 am on Friday, October 2nd, 2009.  He weighed 0.9 oz and was 3.5 inches long.  He stopped developing at the 12-13 week mark. 

At first, I didn't want to hold him, but when I saw my husband holding him, together, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I am glad I held him too....I wanted to see the baby who squirmed so much both times I got to see him. 

Tomorrow I go in for my 2 week post delivery check up and they will probably give me some pathology information on my baby.  This makes me extremely anxious, as I don't know if they will find this to just be a developmental fluke or what if, God forbid, this is actually genetic and can happen again....I can't sleep at night thinking about this.  And I can't wait to get this doctor's appointment behind me.  I will then leave that doctor's office and try to find another doctor. 

Gabe was only with me 17 weeks, but wow...I have never been happier in my entire life. 


  1. A Dedication To Your Unborn Child

    You went into the office
    expecting the great news,
    that your baby was secure
    growing in your womb.
    You didn't hear the heartbeat
    and you didn't feel it move,
    you ended up getting
    the worst unexpected news.
    Your child is in heaven
    a angel in the sky,
    filled with joy and laughter
    growing as time goes by.
    Your life will go on
    the tears will come and go,
    only time now
    will heal your broken soul


  2. OMG, your post are amazing. I'm posting this from my other blog, but I'm Vayden's mom, Stephanie. I am so sorry for your loss. I got on to check Vayden's blog and saw your comment. That was about an hour ago since then i've been reading your story from start to finish. I will share this blog on the My Very Own Angel blog so that you can be connected with many other mothers of angels.

    God Bless you

  3. I just cam across you blog. I lost my sweet baby boy on Dec. 29th 2009. I am so sorry for your loss. What a hard thing to go through. Just know you are not alone.

  4. Thanks for sharing your story!! So sad that so many have lost babies like us.. but it helps knowing we're not alone xo