Friday, October 16, 2009

Good Friends and a Glass of Wine...

Yesterday I had dinner with my friend, Jenny.  I ordered a glass of wine. 

I don't know why I tell you the truth, I have been wanting to get wasted since this whole mess with Gabriel happened.  Drink myself into a coma. 

But as I was sipping it, it felt bad.  I don't think I was ready to go back to that kind of normalcy. 

Speaking of normalcy, I went back to work today after my doctors appointment.  Basically, it was a good appointment; they have no pathology reports yet on Gabriel but they said I looked very healthy and my uterus is pretty much back to where it should be and my cervix is about closed.  Yay. (sarcasm).
They still want to know if its genetic, but honestly, I think everyone will be shocked if it was.  The way my doctor is treating this "rarity," I bet I will end up in a medical journal.  Yay.  (sarcasm.)  Now they think that it may be a cyst on the bowel or abdominal wall, and not the bladder.  But again, waiting on pathology.  They did tell us that barring any genetic complications, Josh and I can start trying again after one cycle. 

I wish someone would tell me if that is the right thing to do...Some people when I say that Josh and I want to try again asap, look at me with a very shocked expression on their face.  Other people are telling me to go for it.  Then there is the panicked voice inside of me that screams, "IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN!!!"  or "IT MAY TAKE YOU A LONG TIME!!!"  and I shut down.  The anxiety of becoming pregnant again takes over.  I don't know what to think about it.  I do hope I am one of those fertile myrtles that can get pregnant right away...I ask for God to tell me what to do...but I can't hear His voice...

Today, after the doctor, I went back to work, and my students threw me a welcome back party.  God bless them, they are awesome kids, and I felt so much love.  A lot of my colleagues also came, and I don't think I ever got so many hugs in one day.  I was moved, and would have been to tears had I had any left.  I was in very good spirits when I left, and then decided to go shopping, because since I am no longer pregnant, I don't need any of those maternity clothes that I was just starting to wear. 

I actually was doing well, and having a teeny bit of fun spoiling myself til I saw Steve.  Steve is a pal from all the way back in elementary school, junior high, and high school.  I don't keep up with him much, but since we are on Facebook together, I knew he just had a daughter with his wife not too long ago.  After making small talk for a few seconds, his wife brought the stroller over.  His daughter was gorgeous.
I felt like I cut him off as I wished him a good weekend and jumped in my car, but I was starting to feel depressed.  I was on this high (probably a sugar high from all the cake my students fed me) and then I felt I hit a wall...SMACK.  I had to get out of there. 

I drove away telling myself, "So what if Steve has a new baby.  I have new pants." 

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