Saturday, December 26, 2009

Obsess Much?

Christmas came and went...and now I am just waiting for 2010 to get here. 

I actually did pretty well emotionally this Christmas, with only a few minor breakdowns...the obvious breakdown came on Christmas when my fantasy of being big-bellied under the Christmas tree was only ever going to be a fantasy.... some emotional moments were spawned from otherwise harmless comments that just cut me too deeply because I am no longer the same Megan who is oblivious to such harmless comments in conversation, replaced by a Megan who zeros in on meaningless comments and bawls her eyes out over them in the car...

 I was making cookies with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and they were talking about how in the coming years the kids we have will be wanting to help make the cookies.  My M-I-L said, "Well, ya know, you girls will have all girls because Aunt so and so's kids had the boys...." 

It was a little meaningless comment, but it did enough to break me down in the car later that night. 

I had a boy....didn't I? 

Other things like that occured this holiday, such as my sister-in-law talking about the baby names she has dreamt of...and in-laws referring to the future Brady and Khloe who would someday be...and there I was, thinking of my loss.  Josh and I don't participate in the fictitious baby name discussions because...well, we had a son, who we named Chet....who we later changed to Gabriel...cause we wanted to save the name Chet for our living son. 

So last night, Christmas night,  I had a breakdown about that...about the guilt.  Like Gabriel has a fake name, like we changed it to a less perfect name because he wasn't worthy of the real name, because he made my life a living hell by getting a cyst and dying on me.   Sometimes, yes, my mind goes evil places which spurns evil thoughts like that one.  I can't blame God, so I blame the myself.  I get told I can't blame myself, so I blame the baby.  In my calm state this morning, I know I can't blame the baby, so I go back to blaming God....its a vicious cycle...all spurned by a meaningless comment that damaged Megan zeroed in on to torture the otherwise sane Megan. 

I was also dealing with guilt last night over the half of bottle of wine I drank throughout the night.  Josh thinks I am pregnant, so he looked at me funny when his Dad offered some cherry wine, and I accepted...I am not going to act pregnant if I am not.  If I was, I obviously wouldn't drink.  As I am sitting there, enjoying that cherry wine, my sister-in-law complains that her stomach hurts again and that she has actually been fighting off a stomach bug for a day or two.  Immediately, my mind goes into panic - Is she pregnant???  I bombard my husband with this throughout the night...and eventually, he gets sick of my obsessiveness.  Then, I analyze my own I pregnant? 

Do my breasts hurt?  Or is that from me poking them too much?
That that implantation or just something I ate?
My temperature..  lets take that again...the higher the better....
That my period coming or is that my uterus stretching? 

I can't do this anymore is the bottome line.  The obsessiveness about everything...the comments I zero in on, the forums I read about possible pregnancy symptoms, the charting, the wondering, the stressing,

The Anger. 

I have to let go of The emotion so important in this whole mess that yes, it deserves caps. 
Anger has made me act this way...its not sadness that makes me act this way.  The Anger makes me jealous...The Anger makes me act insane....The Anger makes me need someone to blame.  The Anger makes me upset that I am not pregnant anymore or yet.  The Anger makes me wig out on small things, like that Khloe Kardashain might be pregnant.  Who cares!  She is a nobody celebrity in LA, and I watch her show on E just to feed The Anger....a small point to make in an otherwise important rant but its just to make the point...stupid shit makes me mad.....and I am mad because I don't have Gabriel. 

Before I can get happy about another baby, I do have to let that go.  And I have to stop googling about implantation cramps, temperature charts, and positive tests 7 days past ovulation.  Gabriel was supposed to teach me that I can't control everything, and to turn to the Lord for trust in Him, and here I sit, 3 months later, trying to control everything...and getting upset again at the things I can't control. 

I need to feed into the hope, and leave The Anger behind, to indeed start living, my new life plan.

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