Monday, August 1, 2011

The Lies we Tell, The Words We Keep

The sad part about my life right now is that most of it revolves around empty promises, negotiations, and making myself feel better with plans of good intentions.
I tell myself lies everyday.  I tell them to myself knowing that they are lies.  Let me start with the simple.  I will follow my diet tomorrow.  Heck no.  I still don't eat fruits and veggies and I am still living off of iced coffee. 

Here is another: Today will be the last day that I use my credit card.  I am 29 years old, and I am drowning in debt.  Maternity leave really set me back financially, so guess how I made up some income?  Using my good ol' Bank of America.  Who cares that they are charging me 24 percent interest....I don't at the time of the swipe.  I do when I make the payment, especially when I see that little paper statement that tells me if I keep paying that amount and only that amount, I won't be out of debt until the year 2045. 

Here is another: I am really going to work on my marriage.  Josh and I have a good marriage.  We are in no way headed for divorce.  But I live my life treating him badly.  I know it, he knows it.  I have too many expectations, and he is used to not meeting them.  So he doesn't.  And I get bitter.  And we live our lives as parents and hard working middle class people.   Every day I wake up and I tell myself, I am going to give him the best kiss goodbye before he leaves for work.  I am going to tell him how much I love him.  I am going to be better in my tone and not talk to him like one of my high school students.  Instead I wake up and I bitch him out about not letting the dog out in time and he pissed all over the carpet.  Then he doesn't want to talk to me the rest of the day. 

How many of us as new parents hate the way our marriages have become? (I do, I do!!  I am enthusiastically raising my hand here!)  I am 1000 percent in love with my husband, but as a new parent, I don't really remember what that feels like.  We live our lives taking turns taking care of the baby, and paying bills, and divvying up household chores.   We go to bed exhausted, and when Lucy drops her paci and starts crying in her crib at midnight after finally getting her to sleep there at 11, Josh and I have a pissing competition to see who worked harder that day and who really should get out of bed. 

I am ashamed of that fact.

The worst lie of all is after Gabriel died, I told myself that everything would be different. 

My son really put things in perspective.  I didn't want to get angry at the little things, because, really, was it worth it?  Josh and I lost a child.  We had to come together and go through something that many will not ever have to face.  We actually lost 3 souls, if you count the ectopic and the chemical, which we do.  When Gabriel was born, I looked at my husband crying, and I told myself that the marriage we had in the past was over.  Of course many people would say that every day, they fall more and more in love with their spouses.  Definitely after the birth of a child, a live healthy child.  But I really fell madly in love with my husband after the birth of our son, who we never saw fully developed, who is still termed today by my doctor as a miscarriage.  We saw each other in the most fragile state, and were there for each other, and helped each other through the worst possible pain.  We were the most vulnerable then. 

I tend to forget that promise I made to myself that day.  And  when I think of Gabriel, I think of how I was feeling about Josh. 

I want to make a promise to get back there, and this time keep my word.   I have seen the crumbling of marriages, and by gosh, that is not going to be me.

Thank you, son, for reminding me how much I love your daddy. 

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