Sunday, November 1, 2009

"I have asked a thousand ways, that You take my pain away"....

Yesterday I was mesmerized by the family that just moved in across the street.  First, I was mesmerized by the fact that it was beyond windy out and the father kept leaf blowing the leaves to the curb, just to have them brought back by wind, and second, he was out there playing with his daughters. 

I watched for 20 minutes as he chased the older girl, probably 5, with a leaf blower, until she jumped into the pile of leaves, then the younger girl, probably 3, had a plastic rake and was trying to help, so the mother came out and was helping the younger one manuever the rake.  Then they all got dressed up for Halloween.  I watched this family thinking, that is what I want.  I want to believe I will have it one day, but its hard to trust God right now.  I found this song by JJ Heller called "your hands" that so accurately explains how I feel, its scary. 

"I am trying to understand, how to walk this weary land" 

I don't understand why my baby had to be sick, when so many others are born healthy. 
My cycle did return to normal, and I believe it will be finished in a couple of days...Josh is ready to try since...well yesterday.  Yesterday I had a bit of a panic attack about it...I am scared of so many, why hasn't pathology called me yet about Gabriel?  Is it a rare genetic condition that they can't figure out?  Should we not be trying again?  If we do, will our baby die?  Will it happen quickly like the first time?  Will I ovulate? Is my body so messed up from the "miscarriage" that it is somehow damaged?  Will Josh be able to touch me without it feeling like a doctors exam and if it does feel like that, will I be able to not recoil at his touch?

Some of that may sound silly, but its like my mind continuously repeats these things to me at all times. 

Yesterday I bought a $29 ovulation test kit to start on Nov. 7 when we go away to Gettysburg for the weekend.  Do those things even work?  And if it doesn't show that my LH levels are rising, then I know I will just freak out right away and think that I am damaged (as if I don't think that already....)  I don't know why I bought it.  To punish myself I guess.  Creating Gabriel was fun and romantic....this time, we just want to know that we can produce a healthy child.  I already feel like my future baby is getting the short end of the stick.  We had a discussion last night and decided that if it happens right away, I will know probably by the end of November but that we won't tell anyone until we get a good first ultrasound.  Again, my poor future baby. 

"make straight the paths that crookedly lie, oh Lord before these feet of mine."

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