Monday, November 23, 2009


I have been doing a weekly devotional in the book entitled "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg.  Every week I read a different lesson and it asks me to journal what I think of the lesson.  Yesterdays lesson was on how one can be depressed, and not really know it. 

At first I thought, how silly, I would know if I am depressed, I mean, I would have loss of appetite, a need to stay in bed, I wouldn't care if I looked awful...I wouldn't talk to anyone..I mean, to me, these are the signs of a depressed person and most of the time I don't fit these categories. 

But then it goes on to say that if we feel like we just don't care, that can be a big sign...

Let me give you the list of things I don't care about:

School- a big one since I am there 24-7 it seems.  I don't care about lesson planning, in fact, if the kids have a study hall in my class for the rest of the year, so be it.  How awful, right?

Social activities - I would stay on my couch in front of the tv if I could..

Bailey, my horse - I want to care, and ever since my old horse Josie died a week ago, I have thought of Bailey more than ever...but I just don't care.  I can't will myself to leave the comfort of a warm house to go out into the cold and ride.  When cold air hits me, I think of walking out of the hospital that night automatically..I get a rush of the memory every morning when I walk out to my car.  I know it sounds silly, but I think of it.  I don't care that Bailey needs me, that anyone needs me.  I can't take care of anyone.  How awful, right?

Anyone- its just hard to care- what they think, what they feel, if I am doing the right thing....its just hard.  The TV doesn't care about any move I make or don't make.

God - I am still so intensely mad, even after all of this time...7 weeks since he was born. 

How awful, right? 

My true, internal feelings, makes me feel lousy.  But what makes me feel depressed is the fact that I can't act on my true feelings and crumple in a ball in front of the TV.  What depresses me is that I am pushing my way through and acting "normal."  It feels like I am someone I am not right now. 

Its hard to be thankful (tis the season) when I feel like I am empty and that so much was lost....

I am thankful for my good friends and awesome family, and especially, my two sweet nieces, who bring smiles to my face...for real. 

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