There is always something there to remind me....

Or someone...

Last Friday, I went out with the other teachers from my school after a LONG day of moving building, and their meeting place of choice was a bar downtown.  I was fine with this, and I went in and ordered my standard malibu and cranberry and sat and joked and thought I was having a good time.  

I immediately became the one everyone was worried about.  I got the sad looks, the arms around me, asking me if I was doing okay, like being in the bar was supposed to make me sad.  I was acting fine...and maybe that scared people.  I finally wound up leaving early, because quite frankly I was getting sick of people treating me like I was going to have a nervous break down when I was just trying to laugh for the first time in weeks.  They reminded me that I was damaged.  They reminded me that I am no longer pregnant...the bar or the drink had nothing to do with it. 

Then of course when we were moving boxes all week into the new school building, no one on staff wanted me lifting anything.  At first, I thought that this was pretty darn nice of them, and then I thought about it more, and got mad...stop reminding me of my loss.  It's not like I don't think about it ALL THE TIME anyways. 

Today I think I got my period back...which is right back in sync with when it came before, at the end of the month...its more like spotting, which is weird because I am having regular cramping, but from what I have read, its normal after a miscarriage or a delivery.  I wish I knew it was my period or not for sure.  If the baby dying wasn't bad enough, the thought of my body being screwed up and my ovulation and cycles being messed up is really hard on me too.  I want to be able to try again without wondering if everything is back in working order.  I am scared of infertility right now. 

On Friday it will be 4 weeks since Gabriel left me.  I can't believe its been that long.  And I want to be pregnant again so bad it hurts. The weeks of waiting is feeling like YEARS.  I keep thinking, if I get pregnant right away, I could have my baby in August...

But I don't have control of anything.  I wish I just knew if my body was returning to normal....