I think one of the major reasons I am having such a hard time accepting this is because it screws everything up...my life plan (hence the title of this blog).
I was supposed to have 2 kids by now...in my mind I was supposed to anyway.
I hate having to wait to get what I want. I feel like that has been the theme of my life in terms of major life occurances...like I had to wait to get married...wait to get a teaching job...wait to get pregnant...now here I am, waiting again.
I am in the anger part of my grief, for sure. I really don't have any nice thing to say about what happened right now, whereas a couple of weeks ago I was trying to shine light on the positives and find the meaning behind all of this in a hopeful way. Nah, not this week. This week I am downright pissed, and to tell you the truth, I can't tell you who I am mad at...I am just mad. Furious. I am INCREDIBLY ANGRY that I had to lose my baby. Why me? Why my first baby? Why do I now have to be scarred for the rest of my reproductive life? I am not being dramatic, but now I know that there are about 150 million ways a baby could die, inside the womb and out, and now I am a paranoid freak. And that pisses me off. I have been looking forward to pregnancy my entire life, especially since I met Josh, and now, it will never be like how I want it to be.
Am I angry with God? Yes, I am. And with that admission, I then fear God. Both feelings towards God I know to be wrong...but I feel them anyway. I am mad that He felt that my baby was better off with Him than with me. FURIOUS.
Cause now where does that leave me? It leaves me like this...I have to numb myself throughout the day just to get through work, and by the end of the day I am so exhausted from pretending to be fine that I just fall apart when I get home. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I sit by myself and drive myself crazy with worry that I won't be able to get pregnant right away again, or that my baby will die again, or that I will never have kids and become the crazy lady down the block that drove her husband away and talks to herself....
Why would God want that for me?
I am so angry. So angry. I thought I was improving my relationship with the Lord, and now...I don't want a relationship. I want to be apart for awhile.
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
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