Cleaning...Fighting...Rinse...Repeat....

I sometimes miss Gabriel the most when my husband and I fight.  I am not trying to air out dirty laundry on a public forum, but for pretty much the entire 17 weeks I was carrying Gabriel, my husband and I barely fought at all, and now in the less than 2 weeks since his death, we have fought several times. Today we were both pretty ashamed at fighting, since we made these plans to build Gabe's memory box together.

We were going to do it at 5:00, right when Josh got off work.  Movie started at 6:40. 

I found myself driving around at that time...I just left a nail appointment with my friend Rachel and even though I was done in plenty of time, I just didn't want to go home.  I knew what was going to happen there.  Closure, at least, tangible closure.

So about 5:20 or so I walk in the house.  I immediately start cleaning.  Josh asked me if it could wait...my response was to harp on him about the trash piling up...blah blah blah and it escalated from there.  So instead of the memory box being a cleansing experience, it became an ugly one.  I really didn't care about the trash...or the house needing to be cleaned...I just didn't want to face what was about to happen.  The piling up my baby's things...stuffing them into a closet.  It was like going to a funeral.

We still went to the movies, it was an alright time.  Its just that when we got home, it all starts again.  The constant cleaning, the snapping at one another.  Its like being at home reminds me that a baby isn't coming there.  So...instead of having to be peeled off the couch, I can't stand being in my home, and I still don't enjoy going out, so what's left to do? 

Nit pick about the garbage that I really didn't care about?  And with every stupid harsh word, it just reminds me that Gabriel isn't with me anymore.  I really miss him tonight.