Dear Gabriel,

Dear my precious baby,

     This evening, I was on the computer doing things for my other "kids," you know, the students, and I looked out my office window and watched the family across the street.  They are the cutest little family, a mommy, a daddy, and two girls about your cousins' Aurora's and Scarlett's age.  They were playing tag.  Sometimes I am in awe of them, and I try not to stare.  Tonight I wondered, would I be sitting on my porch with you?  Yelling hello to them across the street?  Maybe I would take you over there, and we would meet them. 
     Somedays, I daydream about you a lot, especially when I am doing other things.  For example, yesterday, our puppy Oscar flipped over onto his back for a belly rub.  Your puppy loves those belly rubs!  I rubbed his belly and right then and there, I thought of you.  I daydreamed about you.  I thought, if you were here, sweet baby boy,  I would have you on your play mat in the middle of our living room, and I would be blowing on your belly button, and tickling your toes.  You and Mommy would just laugh and laugh.  Then Daddy would of been jealous of how much Mommy was making your laugh, and he would try to get your nose.  You would laugh so much at Daddy.  That daydream was the best place I have been all week.  All year.  My entire life.   
    
     On Monday, Daddy and I went to visit you at your place.  We sat there for a really long time, and we didn't say anything, we kept it to ourselves.  My heart was so warm, I knew you were there with us.  Mommy felt bad, because I couldn't find a tiny elephant to leave there for you, but I am still looking.  I thought about taking the baby elephant figurine off of the top of our entertainment center, the one that goes with the momma elephant...but I didn't want to separate them.  As silly as it sounds, when I look at that figurine, I think of you and me. 
    
     This past week, you had your 8 month birthday in heaven.  Although time has flown by, there hasn't been a day that Mommy and Daddy haven't thought about you, loved you, and wanted you with us.  We talk about you all of the time.  We think you would have Daddy's chin, and Mommy's dark hair, and of course, Daddy's charm.  You would have had both of your grandmothers' hearts wrapped around your tiny finger for sure.  And as much as everyone would want to hold you, Mommy would never want to let you go.  You are for sure, Mommy's little man.
 
     Can you feel our kisses that we send up to Heaven?  There are somedays when I am just driving, or talking, or resting, and all of a sudden, I get a feeling.  And I know its you saying hello.  Hello, my baby.

Always loving you, always thinking of you, always missing you,

Mommy

    

    
    

Released from Prison

I wanted to thank Katy, Dawn, and Andrea for your nice words of encouragement.  Its so nice to know that I have you ladies to lean on.

Well, last month, I took everything pretty hard.   The weekend after, I emailed my family and said that I just wanted no contact with anyone, that I wanted to be alone and just sleep my sorrow away.  Josh was supportive, encouraging me to rent movies and have a "Meg" weekend.  I slept so much.  It felt really good.  On Sunday, Josh took me to the cemetary where Gabriel is buried with all the other babies who were born before 20 weeks.  It is really nice.  And it has a really nice plaque that has a quote on it about being very much wanted and loved.  When we go back out there, I will take a picture of it.  

I always write at the end of each cycle that doesn't work out that I am done and that I will take a laid back approach, and every month, we try and try and I get upset.  After much reflection, I need to stick to my words!  By now, I am used to not being pregnant.  I need to live my life as so, and maybe, just maybe, it will take me by surprise.

So, Josh and I decided that we aren't going to prevent, but we aren't going to time everything out either.  We are just going to be in love with one another, and if that results in a baby someday, great. 

I am concentrating on other things, primarily, the end of the school year, and the planning of our vacation out to Seattle, where I will be helping my younger sis and her two toddlers move home to Dayton.  I am excited about driving cross-country, and seeing a part of the country I have never seen before.  We are also organizing our house, and we have been having a fun time organizing our finances, as crazy as that sounds.  We are still broke but are on our way to getting out of debt.  I have been enjoying my last few weeks with the kids I do have, 75 high-schoolers who I absolutely adore, and the 9 seniors that I will miss so much.  With so much to think about and do, I can honestly tell you that I have not paid any attention to ovulation signs, I don't know how many days past ovulation I am, and I don't even care if we were together at the time when it counts.  I am starting to feel....back to normal. 

I will never forget my son.  Tomorrow, we will go out to the cemetery and leave him a flower...I am trying to find a tiny elephant figurine to leave there.  A lot of the times, if I think really hard, I can remember how I felt almost a year ago July 8th, when I found out I was going to have him.  Thoughts of Gabriel warm my heart.  So, even though I feel released from this Trying to Conceive prison I have been in since Novemeber, Gabriel is only a thought away, a smile away, a prayer away.  I love him.  He will help us take this journey one step at a time. 

No more trying to conceive.  Just trying to live. 

Is He listening?

No matter how hard I pray...I am not getting a baby...again.

This time it was a horrible tease...as I did get a positive test.  It did say Pregnant.  Then...my cycle started.  I felt myself unraveling again, as this was the same case as my ectopic...I was told to wait and see and test again when it stopped.  It was negative.  Explaination?  "Chemical Pregnancy"  where the body recognizes you as pregnant, but then..it can't implant like it should and results in a normal cycle.  Its common I guess. It is classified as an early miscarriage or non-existant pregnancy.

I got to be excited a total of one day.

I can't do this anymore.  I am going to stop. 

Amazing Love Already Exists!

We are almost upon it...Testing Time again...third cycle of trying. 

I have been proud of myself.  I stuck to my word and I didn't go all crazy this cycle.  No ovulation kits, no thermometer.  No worries.  We didn't really even try all that often, we let ourselves be tired.  So...this month is probably a bust, and I am okay with that, really.

I ran into a great friend of mine yesterday.  What a fluke and a half that was!  Jenny has been my pal since high school and is currently a missionary in Mexico.  She lost her baby back in February at 11 weeks gestation or so.  I think I mentioned her on here before. 

Anyway, so I went to the grocery store yesterday, and on my way home decided to stop at Fashion Bug to see what the latest sale was, and out pops Jenny.  She was only in town for 22 hours!  Popping in at her home church.  We were so excited to see eachother, and of course the inevitable discussion of babies came up.  She said the most amazing thing to me.

"Jon (her hubby) and I are perfectly happy and in love without a baby, adding a baby would mean being able to share our incredible love with someone else, and if that doesn't happen, then we won't be any less in love or happy, we might even find another way to share that amazing love."

Wow.  Left me speechless and my heart warmed.  Sometimes, I can't remember when the last time we were just Megan and Josh without talking about babies....

Jenny's quote popped into my mind last night when Josh and I were talking about our future pregnancy that we are trying so hard for.  Getting pregnant doesn't seem to be the biggest hurdle..there are questions about growing in my tube again, and is the bowel going to form properly and not cause another fatal cyst...will we actually get to hold this baby in our arms?  I started to get panicky because he was right..getting pregnant seems like a small hurdle in comparison to those questions...then I thought of Jenny. 

All we can do is love eachother, and try to get there, and if not, we have to be okay with that too, no matter how hard the journey.

The Laid Back Approach

I threw away my thermometer...and refuse to buy ovulation kits.

Who cares anyways.

I got so upset and bitter last month.  Its not healthy. 

So I am going to go back to living my life...pre-Gabriel.  Although, sometimes, it's hard.  Like on Sunday, for example, when my husband and I were drinking coffee and reading the morning paper, he looked at me and said, "what would the baby be doing right now, if he were here?  Would he be in his swing?"

I am going to the gym a lot now, and running.  It feels good, to feel my chest burn, and to feel like I am physically running from it all,  instead of feeling like I want to run away, and can't go anywhere.  I feel like if I obsess about my weight or something, I won't obsess about Gabe not being here, or that I am not pregnant yet.  Problem is, I get home from working out, and I am so hungry, I feel like I am binge eating.  Yeah, I have to nip that in the bud. 

Some days, I miss being pregnant so much. 

Apparently, Josh's whole family have been out to the cemetery to visit Gabe's gravesite, or the gravesite where Toledo Hospital buries the babies who are under 20 weeks.  Josh says he goes out there on his way to work.  Josh's dad goes.  His mom and grandma went. 

I have never gone.   Nor, do I want to, and I think that is strange.  Maybe I am scared that I will break down, seeing such a place that houses so much sadness, so many dreams that could never be.  One of my blog buddies mentioned having flashbacks, and I do also sometimes.  Like, I remember songs that were playing in my car, when I was driving to get more pregnancy tests, right after I tested positive with Gabriel.  I hear those same songs and think, I remember having butterflies in my stomach, being so excited.  Last week, I wore a shirt to school...the same pink, happy shirt I wore the day before my very first ultrasound.  The ultrasound that changed my life.  I should have given that to goodwill too. 

I have been working late...either at school or at home.  Dedicating my mind to anything that is not baby or baby making.  I feel like a robot. 

I did not know that losing Gabe would change my life this way.  Almost 7 months later...it hurts. 

Prayers for Beth

I had met a friend on BabyCenter.com a long time ago when I first posted a question about enlarged fetal bladders.  We have kept up correspondance and she also was pregnant and her baby had a fatal diagnosis.  Evan was born yesterday, and died yesterday as well.

Beth, you have meant a lot to me over the last 6 months, and I hope you know my prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time.   Gabriel and Evan are both being held in the arms of God. 

Keep the Faith?

Its hard. 

Not pregnant, again. 

I know its only been two months of trying, but when we have gotten pregnant right away before, its hard to feel normal, or even positive that it will happen.  And I am sick of trying.  Whoever said trying for kids was fun was off their rocker.  Its excruciating sometimes, and I love my husband, but everything becomes a routine. 

I don't blame my husband for anything, and believe me, last July 8th when I first found out I was pregnant I felt truly blessed...but I can't help but think what my life could have been like, if we would have started trying for kids earlier when I wanted to, in June of 08.   I would have had more opportunities. 

My biggest fear is turning 30 and not having my first child yet.   Although I know 30 isn't old or archaic, I wanted to be a mom at 26, and look at me, I will be 28...and I am childless.  And no where close.  Its depressing...because I can't stop the clock, I can't control my body, I can't control Josh's body, and I feel like I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting, waiting...and I get so sad.  All the time, I am sad and I am wishing for a different life.  One where I selfishly get what I ask for...One where I am rewarded for always doing the right thing...One where it actually works out for me and prayers are answered.  I don't believe in answered prayers anymore, as negative as that sounds, I am a realist.  I once thought this journey was bringing me closer to God, and now...its really pushing me farther and farther away.  I don't understand why His answer is constantly "No."   I don't understand why its okay that I live like this. 

I don't believe that it is going to work out.  Why would I?  Look how everything has turned out so far.