Its hard.
Not pregnant, again.
I know its only been two months of trying, but when we have gotten pregnant right away before, its hard to feel normal, or even positive that it will happen. And I am sick of trying. Whoever said trying for kids was fun was off their rocker. Its excruciating sometimes, and I love my husband, but everything becomes a routine.
I don't blame my husband for anything, and believe me, last July 8th when I first found out I was pregnant I felt truly blessed...but I can't help but think what my life could have been like, if we would have started trying for kids earlier when I wanted to, in June of 08. I would have had more opportunities.
My biggest fear is turning 30 and not having my first child yet. Although I know 30 isn't old or archaic, I wanted to be a mom at 26, and look at me, I will be 28...and I am childless. And no where close. Its depressing...because I can't stop the clock, I can't control my body, I can't control Josh's body, and I feel like I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting, waiting...and I get so sad. All the time, I am sad and I am wishing for a different life. One where I selfishly get what I ask for...One where I am rewarded for always doing the right thing...One where it actually works out for me and prayers are answered. I don't believe in answered prayers anymore, as negative as that sounds, I am a realist. I once thought this journey was bringing me closer to God, and now...its really pushing me farther and farther away. I don't understand why His answer is constantly "No." I don't understand why its okay that I live like this.
I don't believe that it is going to work out. Why would I? Look how everything has turned out so far.
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
In a way I know how you feel. I am so sorry. I wish things could be different. Stay strong, it will happen!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the right words for you Megan. I wish you could understand you are not alone. You are not alone in losing a child. You are not alone losing more than one child. You are not alone with your failed attempts at getting pregnant again. You are not alone in questioning God and His plan. But He DOES have one. I will continue to pray for you as I have been and hope one day those prayers are answered in the way we would want them to be. He always answers our prayers---it's just not always how we would want Him to.
ReplyDeleteI am here for you always, if you need a friend, someone to cry with and for you, someone who knows your pain.
Lots of love,
Katy xxx
Have faith. Don't give up.