Depression?

I have been doing a weekly devotional in the book entitled "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg.  Every week I read a different lesson and it asks me to journal what I think of the lesson.  Yesterdays lesson was on how one can be depressed, and not really know it. 

At first I thought, how silly, I would know if I am depressed, I mean, I would have loss of appetite, a need to stay in bed, I wouldn't care if I looked awful...I wouldn't talk to anyone..I mean, to me, these are the signs of a depressed person and most of the time I don't fit these categories. 

But then it goes on to say that if we feel like we just don't care, that can be a big sign...

Let me give you the list of things I don't care about:

School- a big one since I am there 24-7 it seems.  I don't care about lesson planning, in fact, if the kids have a study hall in my class for the rest of the year, so be it.  How awful, right?

Social activities - I would stay on my couch in front of the tv if I could..

Bailey, my horse - I want to care, and ever since my old horse Josie died a week ago, I have thought of Bailey more than ever...but I just don't care.  I can't will myself to leave the comfort of a warm house to go out into the cold and ride.  When cold air hits me, I think of walking out of the hospital that night automatically..I get a rush of the memory every morning when I walk out to my car.  I know it sounds silly, but I think of it.  I don't care that Bailey needs me, that anyone needs me.  I can't take care of anyone.  How awful, right?

Anyone- its just hard to care- what they think, what they feel, if I am doing the right thing....its just hard.  The TV doesn't care about any move I make or don't make.

God - I am still so intensely mad, even after all of this time...7 weeks since he was born. 

How awful, right? 

My true, internal feelings, makes me feel lousy.  But what makes me feel depressed is the fact that I can't act on my true feelings and crumple in a ball in front of the TV.  What depresses me is that I am pushing my way through and acting "normal."  It feels like I am someone I am not right now. 

Its hard to be thankful (tis the season) when I feel like I am empty and that so much was lost....

I am thankful for my good friends and awesome family, and especially, my two sweet nieces, who bring smiles to my face...for real. 

Bumper Car

I feel like I am always in a bumper car, hitting things...bam...bam...bam...my head being jerked in all these directions...being angry from being hit again, recovering, then bam....something else hits you from the other side and you have to recover all over again to prepare for the next big blow.

Sometimes, I do feel like I am recovering.  School keeps me so busy that I feel like time goes by so fast, and I am thankful for that.  The faster time goes, the faster time can heal my wounds. 

I am feeling low self-esteem lately.  I never feel attractive.  I look down, and even though I only gained 12 pounds in my short 4 month pregnancy with Gabriel, I feel like my body is so different.  And for what?  Nothing.  It affects how I am with my husband, I don't want him touching me, looking at me, kissing me.  Major components that will help us conceive another baby.  Speaking of that, I don't think that is going well either. 

Over the summer when we decided to try for Gabriel, it was fun....we had the gift of time - I was on summer break and his job was not very stressful, and we were living on the naive notion that nothing goes wrong after the stick turns blue.  We were in bliss about the idea of creating our baby.  Now, things are different.  We are tired from our day.  We are stressed from our jobs.   We are stressed about the very idea of getting pregnant again, and still 6 weeks later, not knowing what caused our son's death.  I am defeated from depression, not caring if he touches me or not, and sometimes, I don't blame him for not touching me, as I am sure I look a mess.  I feel a mess.  I feel as if I don't care.  We both have to make ourselves be together to conceive a baby.  Yet, we want it more than anything in the world.  I am so confused. 

Yesterday I had a dream that I gave birth to a baby, then another woman came and took it away and I woke up aching for my belly that I never really had, the baby that I never really had.  The difference from this dream and reality is that in my dream, the baby was full term, alive and kicking, and in reality, Gabe was a miscarriage...then it gets me thinking, and I going to lose a full term baby? 

I get disappointed in myself for not being over this already.  I usually roll with the punches fairly well, but I may be worse off then I realize.  I HATE that I am not pregnant, and I constantly wonder how big I would have been by now.   I hate that no one has told me yet what was wrong with Gabriel, and I feel tossed to the curb by my awful doctor's office.  On the bright side, I did get into a new practice, and have an appointment Dec 4 for a well visit.  If I am pregnant by then, will the doctors say it was too soon? 

Maybe one of these days, one of those blows in my bumper car will be the last, and I can get out, and move onto another ride. 

5 Weeks

Its been 5 weeks since I found out Gabriel was no longer with us and that I delivered him.

To tell you the truth, I didn't think about Gabe all day.  I got up, went to school, was incredibly busy most of the day, had parent-teacher conferences until 7, didn't leave school til 7 30 ish.  Listened to loud loud music on the way home because I was so tired from a 12 hour day...saw Josh and gave him a kiss and he said, "I miss Gabriel today..."  and that is when I realized..I had my very first day of not thinking about him. 

I had mixed emotions about this- is it too early to not think of him for an entire day?  So I felt bad.  Then, I thought...I made it through an entire day and was happy for the most part...what a milestone!  Now, ever since Josh said that he missed Gabe, he is all I can think about.

Tomorrow, Josh and I are leaving for a weekend trip to Gettysburg.  I am leaving school at 3 and we are highway bound.  Its our kickoff weekend to trying again.  Again, I have mixed emotions.  I want to try again so badly, but the part of me who is a rule follower says that I should wait for the autopsy report...then there is the passionate part of me that is saying, "follow your heart, Meg, go and let God."   

I am going to listen to my heart on this one.  Doctors aren't God, even if they think they are. 

Speaking of doctors, I called my OBGYN's office yesterday.  When I had Gabriel, they told me to call after the 4 week mark if I hadn't heard from them yet to get Gabe's autopsy report.  Well, since we are at 5 weeks, I called.  The lady on the phone was very rude to me...Ma'am, we told you to call after 8 weeks.  Do you not realize that the test results are coming in from Cincinatti?  It takes awhile.  You are calling way too early. 

They never told me 6-8 weeks.  And the rudeness at doctors offices has got to stop.  It really infuriates me.  I have decided to leave that practice and my doctor.  Even if they did tell me 6-8 weeks, (which they didn't) why does it take that long?  He was 3 and a half inches long.  JUST TELL ME IF IT WAS THE BLADDER OR NOT.  I just don't understand why it has to take that long. 

I will be calling other practices tomorrow.  Who knows, after this weekend, I could be pregnant again really soon :-)  (pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease)



please God......please.....

"I have asked a thousand ways, that You take my pain away"....

Yesterday I was mesmerized by the family that just moved in across the street.  First, I was mesmerized by the fact that it was beyond windy out and the father kept leaf blowing the leaves to the curb, just to have them brought back by wind, and second, he was out there playing with his daughters. 

I watched for 20 minutes as he chased the older girl, probably 5, with a leaf blower, until she jumped into the pile of leaves, then the younger girl, probably 3, had a plastic rake and was trying to help, so the mother came out and was helping the younger one manuever the rake.  Then they all got dressed up for Halloween.  I watched this family thinking, that is what I want.  I want to believe I will have it one day, but its hard to trust God right now.  I found this song by JJ Heller called "your hands" that so accurately explains how I feel, its scary. 

"I am trying to understand, how to walk this weary land" 

I don't understand why my baby had to be sick, when so many others are born healthy. 
My cycle did return to normal, and I believe it will be finished in a couple of days...Josh is ready to try since...well yesterday.  Yesterday I had a bit of a panic attack about it...I am scared of so many things...like, why hasn't pathology called me yet about Gabriel?  Is it a rare genetic condition that they can't figure out?  Should we not be trying again?  If we do, will our baby die?  Will it happen quickly like the first time?  Will I ovulate? Is my body so messed up from the "miscarriage" that it is somehow damaged?  Will Josh be able to touch me without it feeling like a doctors exam and if it does feel like that, will I be able to not recoil at his touch?

Some of that may sound silly, but its like my mind continuously repeats these things to me at all times. 

Yesterday I bought a $29 ovulation test kit to start on Nov. 7 when we go away to Gettysburg for the weekend.  Do those things even work?  And if it doesn't show that my LH levels are rising, then I know I will just freak out right away and think that I am damaged (as if I don't think that already....)  I don't know why I bought it.  To punish myself I guess.  Creating Gabriel was fun and romantic....this time, we just want to know that we can produce a healthy child.  I already feel like my future baby is getting the short end of the stick.  We had a discussion last night and decided that if it happens right away, I will know probably by the end of November but that we won't tell anyone until we get a good first ultrasound.  Again, my poor future baby. 

"make straight the paths that crookedly lie, oh Lord before these feet of mine."

4 Weeks

4 weeks ago today Gabriel was born.  I really missed him today.  It was hard for me at school because we were moving all sorts of desks and chairs from the old school building into the new one, and I knew that if I was pregnant I wouldn't have been doing that. 

Josh found out today that one of his co-workers is having a boy.  He seemed really sad about it.  When Josh is sad, it makes it harder for me.  He came home and rubbed my stomach and told me that he wants a baby really bad.  We are going to start trying next week, and I just pray to God that it happens as quickly as the first time.  I want to give him a healthy baby really bad....I want to make this hurt disappear for a little while for both of us and bring in some joy.  Please God, let it be like before. 

There is always something there to remind me....

Or someone...

Last Friday, I went out with the other teachers from my school after a LONG day of moving building, and their meeting place of choice was a bar downtown.  I was fine with this, and I went in and ordered my standard malibu and cranberry and sat and joked and thought I was having a good time.  

I immediately became the one everyone was worried about.  I got the sad looks, the arms around me, asking me if I was doing okay, like being in the bar was supposed to make me sad.  I was acting fine...and maybe that scared people.  I finally wound up leaving early, because quite frankly I was getting sick of people treating me like I was going to have a nervous break down when I was just trying to laugh for the first time in weeks.  They reminded me that I was damaged.  They reminded me that I am no longer pregnant...the bar or the drink had nothing to do with it. 

Then of course when we were moving boxes all week into the new school building, no one on staff wanted me lifting anything.  At first, I thought that this was pretty darn nice of them, and then I thought about it more, and got mad...stop reminding me of my loss.  It's not like I don't think about it ALL THE TIME anyways. 

Today I think I got my period back...which is right back in sync with when it came before, at the end of the month...its more like spotting, which is weird because I am having regular cramping, but from what I have read, its normal after a miscarriage or a delivery.  I wish I knew it was my period or not for sure.  If the baby dying wasn't bad enough, the thought of my body being screwed up and my ovulation and cycles being messed up is really hard on me too.  I want to be able to try again without wondering if everything is back in working order.  I am scared of infertility right now. 

On Friday it will be 4 weeks since Gabriel left me.  I can't believe its been that long.  And I want to be pregnant again so bad it hurts. The weeks of waiting is feeling like YEARS.  I keep thinking, if I get pregnant right away, I could have my baby in August...

But I don't have control of anything.  I wish I just knew if my body was returning to normal....

Patience is not one of my virtues...

I think one of the major reasons I am having such a hard time accepting this is because it screws everything up...my life plan (hence the title of this blog). 

I was supposed to have 2 kids by now...in my mind I was supposed to anyway. 

I hate having to wait to get what I want.  I feel like that has been the theme of my life in terms of major life occurances...like I had to wait to get married...wait to get a teaching job...wait to get pregnant...now here I am, waiting again. 

I am in the anger part of my grief, for sure.  I really don't have any nice thing to say about what happened right now, whereas a couple of weeks ago I was trying to shine light on the positives and find the meaning behind all of this in a hopeful way.  Nah, not this week.  This week I am downright pissed, and to tell you the truth, I can't tell you who I am mad at...I am just mad.   Furious.  I am INCREDIBLY ANGRY that I had to lose my baby.  Why me?  Why my first baby?  Why do I now have to be scarred for the rest of my reproductive life?  I am not being dramatic, but now I know that there are about 150 million ways a baby could die, inside the womb and out, and now I am a paranoid freak.  And that pisses me off.  I have been looking forward to pregnancy my entire life, especially since I met Josh, and now, it will never be like how I want it to be.  

Am I angry with God?  Yes, I am.  And with that admission, I then fear God.  Both feelings towards God I know to be wrong...but I feel them anyway.  I am mad that He felt that my baby was better off with Him than with me.  FURIOUS. 

Cause now where does that leave me?  It leaves me like this...I have to numb myself throughout the day just to get through work, and by the end of the day I am so exhausted from pretending to be fine that I just fall apart when I get home.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I sit by myself and drive myself crazy with worry that I won't be able to get pregnant right away again, or that my baby will die again, or that I will never have kids and become the crazy lady down the block that drove her husband away and talks to herself....

Why would God want that for me? 

I am so angry.  So angry.  I thought I was improving my relationship with the Lord, and now...I don't want a relationship.  I want to be apart for awhile.