Surprise! I haven't updated my blog (sarcasm implied).
Between Lucy, work, and work associated with work, I am crazy busy, Today Lucy is at "school,"enjoying an Easter party, and I was going to work, but Surprise! I cannot find the motivation. I keep coming back to my computer, knowing I should work, but mad that I have to, considering I am on Spring Break. So, Surprise! I have been slacking, then Surprise!...beating myself up afterwards. I just want a normal life....being off when I am off......
Because of work, and wanting a professional change, Josh and I have made a decision to not try for another baby until 2013. Surprise!
This is a surprise to me...considering all that we went through with Gabriel, I thought that I would want to be pregnant as many times as God blessed me.
But we aren't in a financial position right now to do that...and although we are on our way, I need another year of stability, of making money, of applying for jobs that will be better for my reproductive future. And the surprise of it all, is that I am okay with that. Lucy is so exhausting. I love her sooooo much....and I am enjoying just being with her. I am scared to add to my family...with a job I have now. I can't handle literally one more thing on my plate.
And Surprise! , that decision, makes me sad.
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
I Am Going To Chase That Happy
If there is one thing that I know Josh hates about me, its the fact that I let movies/books/TV influence me, or I compare my life to them.
Today, we saw the movie "The Vow," and it got me thinking. Not about romance, not about car accidents, not about Channing Tatum (believe it or not...) but instead it got me thinking about jobs.
Rachel McAdams' character is an artist, quit law school to just follow her passion. And when she cannot remember what she does after the accident, her husband tries to tell her by saying "I would have to come down to the studio and remind you that it was night time so that you would come home and come to bed."
I want that.
I love being a teacher. I feel like I make a difference in my students' lives. I feel like I am a constant life-long learner, trying to make my content interesting, fun, and challenging. I am a mother to 90 inner-city kids. I offer them understanding. They give me a new perspective on my life. My car was broken into a few nights back..while I was having a pity party about trash being thrown about my car, one of my student's saw someone shot outside of their house. I am motivated to do better by them, and I hope that I motivate them to be better than what they could have been the day before.
As much as I love my profession, I am finding it hard to love my job. I feel handicapped by state test requirements, administrative demands, and general lack of time.
I always feel tired. I always feel like I have to fight...whether it be with a parent, a boss, or my government in regards to the teaching profession.
I don't have to be dragged out of school because I am having a blast. I leave with the biggest headache and so much pressure that carries the weight of the moon.
I fantasize about writing. I want to write feature columns for a magazine...I want to be on staff where I write, and write, and write, and pitch ideas to someone who thinks I have a talent and a gift. I don't know how to just abandon ship from where I am at, and fullfill that dream.
I can't move to where those magazines are...and I cannot afford to freelance.
I picture myself in a quaint small down, grabbing a Starbucks after taking Lulu to school, and going to my office and writing. I always joke with Josh and say that I want to be Andy Anderson from "How to Lose a Guy In Ten Days."
I want Josh to drag me away from my computer late at night to remind me to go to bed, and I won't be able to because I have a deadline, and I am writing about how to help women with loss, or a new trend in parenting, or how to be fashion forward when on a budget...or things that really interest me.
I am ready for a change. And I don't know how to do it. All I know, is that if I keep traveling along this path, this path of "I am good at what I do, and too scared to do anything else," then I am bound to feel this weight all of the time. I will be handcuffed to stress and unhappiness and depression.
Please pray that I am directed down the right road.
Today, we saw the movie "The Vow," and it got me thinking. Not about romance, not about car accidents, not about Channing Tatum (believe it or not...) but instead it got me thinking about jobs.
Rachel McAdams' character is an artist, quit law school to just follow her passion. And when she cannot remember what she does after the accident, her husband tries to tell her by saying "I would have to come down to the studio and remind you that it was night time so that you would come home and come to bed."
I want that.
I love being a teacher. I feel like I make a difference in my students' lives. I feel like I am a constant life-long learner, trying to make my content interesting, fun, and challenging. I am a mother to 90 inner-city kids. I offer them understanding. They give me a new perspective on my life. My car was broken into a few nights back..while I was having a pity party about trash being thrown about my car, one of my student's saw someone shot outside of their house. I am motivated to do better by them, and I hope that I motivate them to be better than what they could have been the day before.
As much as I love my profession, I am finding it hard to love my job. I feel handicapped by state test requirements, administrative demands, and general lack of time.
I always feel tired. I always feel like I have to fight...whether it be with a parent, a boss, or my government in regards to the teaching profession.
I don't have to be dragged out of school because I am having a blast. I leave with the biggest headache and so much pressure that carries the weight of the moon.
I fantasize about writing. I want to write feature columns for a magazine...I want to be on staff where I write, and write, and write, and pitch ideas to someone who thinks I have a talent and a gift. I don't know how to just abandon ship from where I am at, and fullfill that dream.
I can't move to where those magazines are...and I cannot afford to freelance.
I picture myself in a quaint small down, grabbing a Starbucks after taking Lulu to school, and going to my office and writing. I always joke with Josh and say that I want to be Andy Anderson from "How to Lose a Guy In Ten Days."
I want Josh to drag me away from my computer late at night to remind me to go to bed, and I won't be able to because I have a deadline, and I am writing about how to help women with loss, or a new trend in parenting, or how to be fashion forward when on a budget...or things that really interest me.
I am ready for a change. And I don't know how to do it. All I know, is that if I keep traveling along this path, this path of "I am good at what I do, and too scared to do anything else," then I am bound to feel this weight all of the time. I will be handcuffed to stress and unhappiness and depression.
Please pray that I am directed down the right road.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Common
Last Sunday night, Lucy had a seizure.
She was fighting a temperature all day, and at one point, it was 103.6, but I wasn't worried. She was acting the same as she always acts....she was eating a little less than normal, but I thought nothing of it. In the evening I was getting ready to give her a bath and I took her temp, it was 102.4. I thought, bath time, and Tylenol time after that.
I got her out of the tub, and she just wouldn't stop shivering. Her hands and feet were an odd gray color, and soon, her lips were gray too. Josh was out of town, and I called my mom to come to the house and give me an opinion...something wasn't right.
Next thing I knew, she got all stiff, and her eyes rolled back, and she was gone. Passed out I guess, but in my hysteria, I thought she wasn't breathing. I literally thought she had died for a second.
I have never had to call 911 before, and here I was, calling in hysterics.
Please save my baby, please hurry!
Her temp was 106 by then.
To make a long and dramatic story short, she had a febrile seizure, or seizures triggered by a fast change of temperature. She is fine, thank God. God provided a wonderful doctor at St. V's to help Lucy.
Now when I say febrile seizure, so many people are talking about how common it is, and how its not serious, and even my own pediatrician said "next time, don't call 911, just schedule an appointment in the morning."
That pisses me off.
Anything that makes my baby sick is a big deal to me. Whether its the flu or a seizure, it is a big deal. She is my world. There is nothing more in the world that pisses me off more than people making me feel like I am overreacting to something that endangers my child. Even if Gabriel didn't happen to me, I would feel the same way. Something came and took my child from me, and even if it was just for a second, it was a huge deal. And if it happens again, I will call 911 every time. What a scary situation, for me and for her. I love and hate the word common. That one little word can make me feel better, like I am not alone, and yet, it makes me feel like things are insignificant, unimportant. Like...miscarriages are common. I hate that word when used like that. They are not supposed to be common....just like seizures are not common in my world.
Then the word common is used positively for relationships, like, Josh and I used to be so great because we have so much in common.....
Now it seems like all we have in common is parenthood.
Leave it to me to quote a TV show, but as I was watching Days of Our Lives yesterday, a character said "Marriage can be one of the loneliest places in the world, which is weird because you are supposed to marry the person who you share so many commonalities."
Maybe I am just going through a common phase...marriage after baby.
I just feel....so.....common....to him.
She was fighting a temperature all day, and at one point, it was 103.6, but I wasn't worried. She was acting the same as she always acts....she was eating a little less than normal, but I thought nothing of it. In the evening I was getting ready to give her a bath and I took her temp, it was 102.4. I thought, bath time, and Tylenol time after that.
I got her out of the tub, and she just wouldn't stop shivering. Her hands and feet were an odd gray color, and soon, her lips were gray too. Josh was out of town, and I called my mom to come to the house and give me an opinion...something wasn't right.
Next thing I knew, she got all stiff, and her eyes rolled back, and she was gone. Passed out I guess, but in my hysteria, I thought she wasn't breathing. I literally thought she had died for a second.
I have never had to call 911 before, and here I was, calling in hysterics.
Please save my baby, please hurry!
Her temp was 106 by then.
To make a long and dramatic story short, she had a febrile seizure, or seizures triggered by a fast change of temperature. She is fine, thank God. God provided a wonderful doctor at St. V's to help Lucy.
Now when I say febrile seizure, so many people are talking about how common it is, and how its not serious, and even my own pediatrician said "next time, don't call 911, just schedule an appointment in the morning."
That pisses me off.
Anything that makes my baby sick is a big deal to me. Whether its the flu or a seizure, it is a big deal. She is my world. There is nothing more in the world that pisses me off more than people making me feel like I am overreacting to something that endangers my child. Even if Gabriel didn't happen to me, I would feel the same way. Something came and took my child from me, and even if it was just for a second, it was a huge deal. And if it happens again, I will call 911 every time. What a scary situation, for me and for her. I love and hate the word common. That one little word can make me feel better, like I am not alone, and yet, it makes me feel like things are insignificant, unimportant. Like...miscarriages are common. I hate that word when used like that. They are not supposed to be common....just like seizures are not common in my world.
Then the word common is used positively for relationships, like, Josh and I used to be so great because we have so much in common.....
Now it seems like all we have in common is parenthood.
Leave it to me to quote a TV show, but as I was watching Days of Our Lives yesterday, a character said "Marriage can be one of the loneliest places in the world, which is weird because you are supposed to marry the person who you share so many commonalities."
Maybe I am just going through a common phase...marriage after baby.
I just feel....so.....common....to him.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Years Resolutions
Normally, I don't make resolutions. For a long time after Gabriel, my goal was just to get pregnant. Then, my goal was to not be obsessed about getting pregnant.
Now that I have Lucy and my life is so different, I think resolutions are in order. Everything is so different for me, as I am so busy, at home and at work. I have been so unhappy lately, and I couldn't figure it out. I am married to a man who loves me and who is 100% committed to me and family, I have a job that lets me do exactly what I went to college for, we have a roof over our heads, and we have the most healthy, amazing little girl. We have our health and wonderful supportive families. So why is it that I am so unhappy? A lot of it is my attitude...and how I have let my busyness control me...instead of me controlling how busy I am.
Sometimes I need to take a step back. I need to stop. Maybe these resolutions will help me this year. I am actually going to print this page and post it in my office.
So, here goes my list of resolutions for 2012:
constantly verbally bash him/nag him/be extremely critical of him. Be the wife I want to be.
3. Take a picture of Lucy every Sunday. Take some in between Monday and Saturday too :-)
4. Follow my financial plan. "Debt is Bondage."
5. Clean up something every night that isn't normal cleaning. For example, tonight when Lulu went to
bed, I cleaned my closet. I need to do that every night, just something that takes 30 minutes or so,
so that I am not overwhelmed on days off.
6. Read before bed. Read books that are for me as well as for school.
7. Embrace my job. Take things one step at a time, and really incorporate technology into my
classroom. I am off to a great start, I just need to keep on truckin.' Read and follow educational
blogs.
8. Write. Write, Write, Write. Freelance at least 4 times. Get more people reading this blog?
9. Be a better pet owner.
10. Set aside more relaxing time, whether its watching a movie of choice, or just doing this....blogging.
Well, there it is....in writing. I will stick to this....I will stick to this....
Now that I have Lucy and my life is so different, I think resolutions are in order. Everything is so different for me, as I am so busy, at home and at work. I have been so unhappy lately, and I couldn't figure it out. I am married to a man who loves me and who is 100% committed to me and family, I have a job that lets me do exactly what I went to college for, we have a roof over our heads, and we have the most healthy, amazing little girl. We have our health and wonderful supportive families. So why is it that I am so unhappy? A lot of it is my attitude...and how I have let my busyness control me...instead of me controlling how busy I am.
Sometimes I need to take a step back. I need to stop. Maybe these resolutions will help me this year. I am actually going to print this page and post it in my office.
So, here goes my list of resolutions for 2012:
- Make God part of my life. Stop just saying that I want Him in your life without working on that relationship. Maybe buy a devotional. Go to church. Maybe sing a little while I am there. Actions speak louder than words.
constantly verbally bash him/nag him/be extremely critical of him. Be the wife I want to be.
3. Take a picture of Lucy every Sunday. Take some in between Monday and Saturday too :-)
4. Follow my financial plan. "Debt is Bondage."
5. Clean up something every night that isn't normal cleaning. For example, tonight when Lulu went to
bed, I cleaned my closet. I need to do that every night, just something that takes 30 minutes or so,
so that I am not overwhelmed on days off.
6. Read before bed. Read books that are for me as well as for school.
7. Embrace my job. Take things one step at a time, and really incorporate technology into my
classroom. I am off to a great start, I just need to keep on truckin.' Read and follow educational
blogs.
8. Write. Write, Write, Write. Freelance at least 4 times. Get more people reading this blog?
9. Be a better pet owner.
10. Set aside more relaxing time, whether its watching a movie of choice, or just doing this....blogging.
Well, there it is....in writing. I will stick to this....I will stick to this....
Saturday, December 10, 2011
And Still...
It gets me everytime.
I can't hang up Gabriel's angel baby ornament without wishing that he was with me, and crying because he is not.
I miss him.
I can't hang up Gabriel's angel baby ornament without wishing that he was with me, and crying because he is not.
I miss him.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
SmartBoard makes me feel dumb...
Ahhh, the trials and tribulations of being a teacher...
When I graduated college in 2005, the only tech course required of me was an Internet writing course where I designed a web page and did PowerPoint, which is considered archaic by today's standards. Then of course I have had the pleasure of working in relatively poor districts with overhead projectors from the 1970s. Now, the National Council for the Teachers of English defines 21st century literacy as the following:
Meaning, that apparently if students don' know how to manage technology like blogging, Twitter, Wikis, Glogster, Prezis, IPADs, etc....and share learning with a worldwide community (such as YouTube) then really, they cannot be considered literate. Hell, by these standards, I am not even considered literate.
As a teacher, and as a smart person, I was offended when the PHD at the tech seminar I attended said this to me...that I wasn't literate.
But literacy isn't reading and writing by book/hand anymore.
I have kids who don't even know how to type. Or open Microsoft Word.
I have only 4 laptops in my room. How in the heck do I make my students global media extraordinaries if I don't have any technology that makes them "literate" by today's standards?
So I get Smart Board. Smart Boards are awesome because they are a huge interactive white board that really gets the students into the lessons. When I went to the tech conference, I specifically chose the half-day seminar on Smart Boarding so that I could learn how to use it- never had before. I still operate on a 1976 overhead projector.
So I go to this conference, get all inspired...and when I get back, I move the Smart Board into my room.
I don't even know how to plug the darn thing in. I had cords everywhere...when I went to touch the board it did something funky instead of something cool like I was shown at this conference....and the worst part was...it was all in front of students who I was trying to impress and make "literate" for crying out loud!
The kids told me to go back to training.
Sigh.
When I graduated college in 2005, the only tech course required of me was an Internet writing course where I designed a web page and did PowerPoint, which is considered archaic by today's standards. Then of course I have had the pleasure of working in relatively poor districts with overhead projectors from the 1970s. Now, the National Council for the Teachers of English defines 21st century literacy as the following:
- Develop proficiency with the tools of technology
- Build relationships with others to pose and solve problems collaboratively and cross-culturally
- Design and share information for global communities to meet a variety of purposes
- Manage, analyze and synthesize multiple streams of simultaneous information
- Create, critique, analyze, and evaluate multi-media texts
- Attend to the ethical responsibilities required by these complex environments
Meaning, that apparently if students don' know how to manage technology like blogging, Twitter, Wikis, Glogster, Prezis, IPADs, etc....and share learning with a worldwide community (such as YouTube) then really, they cannot be considered literate. Hell, by these standards, I am not even considered literate.
As a teacher, and as a smart person, I was offended when the PHD at the tech seminar I attended said this to me...that I wasn't literate.
But literacy isn't reading and writing by book/hand anymore.
I have kids who don't even know how to type. Or open Microsoft Word.
I have only 4 laptops in my room. How in the heck do I make my students global media extraordinaries if I don't have any technology that makes them "literate" by today's standards?
So I get Smart Board. Smart Boards are awesome because they are a huge interactive white board that really gets the students into the lessons. When I went to the tech conference, I specifically chose the half-day seminar on Smart Boarding so that I could learn how to use it- never had before. I still operate on a 1976 overhead projector.
So I go to this conference, get all inspired...and when I get back, I move the Smart Board into my room.
I don't even know how to plug the darn thing in. I had cords everywhere...when I went to touch the board it did something funky instead of something cool like I was shown at this conference....and the worst part was...it was all in front of students who I was trying to impress and make "literate" for crying out loud!
The kids told me to go back to training.
Sigh.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Time for a Change
Wow...I have really let blogging go.
Today I found myself really moping around. I had some free time, and during that free time I did the same three things that I always do during my free time. 1) watched mindless television, although, Restaurant Impossible and Chef Hunter are incredible shows....2) folded laundry (completely miserable) and 3) lesson planned, at a half-assed level.
Then I thought about all of the things that I would rather be doing (finally blogging, writing in Lulu's journal, organizing her photo album, actually lesson planning like the kick-ass teacher that I used to be, Christmas shopping/planning, etc).
See, I used to be a creative work-aholic, in all aspects of my life, until Gabriel.
And now, even though I am completely happy, I still can't get out of shut-down mode when I am alone.
Well, this ends. Because of the cute little girl posted above, I am going to do everything in my power to just be better. Starting with blogging. Why is blogging important to me? Well, I recently just went to a tech seminar for educators in which I was told that all sorts of technology, including the use of a blog, is important not only to read what others are saying, but to teach all sorts of learners, not just the ones in my classroom, but to anyone out there in cyberspace who just might stumble upon it, and think that what I am trying to say is interesting. The world can be my classroom.
I believe I have something to say, not just to people who have suffered losses, but to anyone...anyone experiencing a hectic life...who can possibly relate to me. Gabriel might have been the start of my NEW life plan, and now my blog has to reflect me actually living that new life...off of the couch.
So, now my new blog, which will remain the same name because Gabriel inspired me to write again, will be about all sorts of things....my teaching experiences, my learning experiences, funny stories, family laughter, thoughts on the nation, the world, my world, my life.
Welcome to the Kosakowski classroom.
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