I Am Going To Chase That Happy

If there is one thing that I know Josh hates about me, its the fact that I let movies/books/TV influence me, or I compare my life to them.

Today, we saw the movie "The Vow," and it got me thinking.  Not about romance, not about car accidents, not about Channing Tatum (believe it or not...) but instead it got me thinking about jobs.

Rachel McAdams' character is an artist, quit law school to just follow her passion.  And when she cannot remember what she does after the accident, her husband tries to tell her by saying "I would have to come down to the studio and remind you that it was night time so that you would come home and come to bed." 

I want that.

I love being a teacher.  I feel like I make a difference in my students' lives.  I feel like I am a constant life-long learner, trying to make my content interesting, fun, and challenging.  I am a mother to 90 inner-city kids.  I offer them understanding.  They give me a new perspective on my life.  My car was broken into a few nights back..while I was having a pity party about trash being thrown about my car, one of my student's saw someone shot outside of their house.  I am motivated to do better by them, and I hope that I motivate them to be better than what they could have been the day before.

As much as I love my profession, I am finding it hard to love my job.  I feel handicapped by state test requirements, administrative demands, and general lack of time. 

I always feel tired.  I always feel like I have to fight...whether it be with a parent, a boss, or my government in regards to the teaching profession. 

I don't have to be dragged out of school because I am having a blast.  I leave with the biggest headache and so much pressure that carries the weight of the moon.

I fantasize about writing.  I want to write feature columns for a magazine...I want to be on staff where I write, and write, and write, and pitch ideas to someone who thinks I have a talent and a gift.  I don't know how to just abandon ship from where I am at, and fullfill that dream.

I can't move to where those magazines are...and I cannot afford to freelance.

I picture myself in a quaint small down, grabbing a Starbucks after taking Lulu to school, and going to my office and writing.    I always joke with Josh and say that I want to be Andy Anderson from "How to Lose a Guy In Ten Days."   

I want Josh to drag me away from my computer late at night to remind me to go to bed, and I won't be able to because I have a deadline, and I am writing about how to help women with loss, or a new trend in parenting, or how to be fashion forward when on a budget...or things that really interest me.

I am ready for a change.  And I don't know how to do it.  All I know, is that if I keep traveling along this path, this path of "I am good at what I do, and too scared to do anything else,"  then I am bound to feel this weight all of the time.  I will be handcuffed to stress and unhappiness and depression. 

Please pray that I am directed down the right road.