We have a Lucy!

How Far Along:


22 weeks :-)

Best Moment This Week:

We found out the gender!  We are having a little girl!  Lucy Ann Kosakowski :-) 

Cravings/Aversions:

Same..pasta, pasta, pasta.  Oh, and McDonald's breakfast.  I was really good this week though and snacked on a lot of carrots so that I didn't go overboard on pasta. 
Gender:
Girl!
What I miss:

I actually want to really work out.  I have been missing that, believe it or not. 
What I'm looking forward to:

Putting the nursery together.  I already cleaned out the room and have ordered her crib bedding set.  It is so cute, pink elephants and flowers.  Josh's dad was here this morning to look at the room and I think he is going to primer it this weekend so we can paint it the appropriate colors, pink and beige.  Its fun to plan...I have never reached this stage before. 

Emotions:

I am thrilled this week.  I have been on cloud 9.  I have a new outlook on a lot of things!

Weekly Wisdom:

Stop setting myself up for disappointment by not creating delusions of grandeur.  Josh was wonderful when we found on the gender, but then I was picking at every little thing...like when we went shopping to buy Lucy a present and he really wasn't looking, just following me around, I got mad.  Why wasn't he more into all this "Daddy's Little Girl," stuff?  I harped on him and created a fight, and our night was ruined.  I just need to back off and not romanticize how "things are supposed to go."  And just let them be. 


Anything Else to Share:

Well, I thanked God for a healthy girl.  Not that I wouldn't have been ecstatic with a healthy boy, but a girl makes my experience with Gabriel so much more real.  I know its real, but now, its for sure real that I have a daughter, and I had a son.  I was worried that if the baby was a boy, with my due dates being so similar that people (and maybe even myself) would just trade my experience with Gabriel with the new baby boy- like I got what I had, only a year later.  I don't know if I am making any sense here, but I hope you get the gist of what I mean.  Instead, with Lucy, its undeniable that she is different, not only in gender but in experience.  A girl makes Gabe's existence that much more of a reality.  He is going to be a big brother! 

A Walk to Remember

Yesterday was the annual Remembrance Walk in my area to honor those babies who are not with us.  On a whim, I sent in Gabriel's name and asked my sister and mom to come along and just see what the walk was about.

Although it wasn't a "walk,"  more like a very short-round the bend to get to the ceremony site- type of walk, it was still nice.  The ceremony made me cry at a couple of parts, and it caught me off guard.  It was so nice to honor Gabriel.  I do think about Gabriel every single day, but it was so nice to see his name in print in the program and just honor him.  It was also comforting to look around and see so many people who have experienced what I had experienced.  And a lot of them had new babies, so again, it gave me hope.  It was like going to the funeral that I never had for my son. 

Well, I hit 21 weeks!  I promised myself that when I hit 20 weeks successfully, I would be a better mom to this baby and record things and take belly pictures.  While surfing other blogs, Stephanie, who is Vayden's mommy, inspired me to record in a list form.  I thought what she was doing on her blog was really neat, so I thought I would emulate.  She is after all, the reason I blog.  Stephanie continues to inspire me!

How Far Along:
21 weeks :-)

Best Moment This Week:
I always have anxiety about baby movement, like I am not feeling something enough.  I talked to Josh about it a lot this week, about becoming so paranoid that something is wrong.  Well, both Saturday and this morning, alone in the quiet, baby was so active, kicking away.  I think my baby is telling me, "slow down, Mom, and you would feel me more!"

Cravings/Aversions:
I want spaghetti all of the time.  I could eat the noodles plain, with marinara or meatballs or meatsauce or pesto..I don't care, but all I want is spaghetti.  In fact, talking about it makes me want it more.  As far as aversions go, I still am not into Mexican as much, like with Gabriel I wanted Taco Bell all of the time, and with this little one, I haven't touched the stuff.  I do enjoy a lot of chips and salsa though.

Gender:
We find out Tuesday!  I have no idea!  I can't wait!

What I miss:
This is easy.  I had a stressful work week.  This week I wanted margaritas and wine like no other!  I had to settle for chocolate.

What I'm looking forward to:
This week, we find out if this baby is a Lucy or a Chet, so I am really excited to order my baby bedding, so that we can match up a paint sample and start really working on the nursery.  Has anyone used Baby SuperMall online?  I found some great deals on that web site..

Emotions:
I get pretty irratible still...and exhausted easily.  I feel like a failure if I can't get enough accomplished, whereas when I wasn't pregnant I just accepted the fact that I wasn't superwoman..this week I wanted to be Superwoman...

Weekly Wisdom:
I have to take care of me first.  I was working a lot of 14 hour days this week, and I was so tired and busy that I couldn't remember if I even had any water or took my folic acid.  I have to take care of me, and quit work by 5..no matter what.

Anything Else to Share:
I am currently dealing with the dreaded purple stretchmark epidemic.  I keep using lotion like crazy, but they are there...that really freaks me out, because it makes me feel yucky.  I ordered some stuff from Avon in order to help me with this problem!  :-) 

One Year in Heaven

A year ago today, Gabriel was born.

He died one year ago yesterday.

I can't believe its been a year already.

Sometimes I feel bad, like I am not acting right.  I am sure being pregnant successfully helps, but it doesn't take the pain away some days, when I know I should be toting Gabriel around with me.  I do things that are still grief related...like not record things for this baby I am carrying.   I know I will regret it, but every time I sit down to record things in the belly book or take of picture of my belly, something stops me, and I am sure its the fear of something going wrong and having to stuff all of those memories in a box, tuck them deep inside of me where no one can see.

That day of shoving Gabriel's stuff in a memory box about killed me, so I am sure that is why I am not doing anything but trying to enjoy this pregnancy while I have it.

That day, I changed.  And I haven't changed all the way back yet, although time did bring a sense of calm, but not understanding.  "Time can heal what reason cannot."    Somewhat. 

Today is going to be a quiet day.  Its gloomy and grey, similar to how it was when my son was born.  I get very defensive that people don't remember.  Like Gabriel was a miscarriage.  He wasn't a miscarriage, but I lost him so early, people think it was.  And even if he was, "just", as I heard people say, why does that make him any less important? That infuriates me.  Gabriel isn't really treated like a baby that was born into a family.  I don't know what to do about my feelings about that.

Next weekend, my mom, sis, and I are going to do a Remembrance Walk in honor of babies gone too soon.  It is being held at a nice flower garden park in the area.  I am going to wear an elephant necklace, as people bring tokens of remembrance for their babies.

Baby Gabriel,

I think of you everyday, always will.  I feel your baby brother or sister squirming inside of me, and I can't help but mourn the fact that I never felt you.  I did see you though, sweet baby.  I can imagine how you are going to spend your day, cuddling up with a story that Grandma Mary is reading you, or sitting on a comfy cloud with other angel babies.   Maybe you are looking down on me and your daddy.  We are always looking up at the clouds and the stars, thinking of you.  It has been one year, and although you come to me in different ways and tell me its going to be alright, I still seek peace and understanding.  You were a love of my life, baby boy.  I will never forget holding you a year ago today, and I take comfort in the fact that as I was holding your earthly body, Jesus, our Lord, was holding you and me at the same time. 
I love you,
Mommy

Ryan

     Yesterday, my friend Darlene had a graduation party since she just received her Masters degree from EMU.  I see Darlene only a few times a year, but when she does have get togethers, I recognize the same people who gather with her, as Dar has been in my life for about 10 years now.  Last year, Darlene had a engagement party, same location, same set up, same music, same time of year as this year's grad party.  365 days ago, I went to the engagement party and sat with Dar's friend Sara, who was pregnant, due in February, and I myself was pregnant with Gabriel, due in March. 
     Now, a whole year later, I sat with Sara again, only she was holding Ryan, her 6 and a half month old.  I sat empty handed.  It was that moment that I missed Gabriel so much.  I miss him all the time, but there are some days where I still feel that ache, even if I do have a healthy little one inside of me.  Sitting next to Sara, my eyes were fixated on Ryan, and again I felt my own loss.
     When I first lost Gabriel, I kept thinking that a new and healthy pregnancy would be the cure all end all to this pain.  Well, now I finally have it, and I can tell you for sure, and many of you already know this, that it is not the cure all end all.  Last night was proof of that.
    I continue to pray that God takes care of me and this baby inside of me, and that February gets here so quick.  Each doctor appt brings anxiety and fear, and I am not enjoying that at all.  Once I get to 20 weeks with a healthy anatomy scan, I think I will relax more.  I am 15 weeks 3 days now.  40 weeks seems like an eternity away, especially when I live with all this fear.  I know how easily babies can be taken away....

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I have given this a lot of thought, as I have noticed that a lot of people who are pregnant decide to start new blogs and dedicate the original blog solely to the babes who the blogs were created for.  I have thought about it, and with every thought of this baby, Gabriel is always there in thought too.  So I have decided that I will just have one blog, this one, as Gabriel is looking out for me and his little sister or brother.

In fact, I haven't done much recording at all this pregnancy, something I will surely regret later on.  I just can't bring myself to get that excited yet.  I mean, I have all the reason in the world to be excited...3 GREAT ultrasounds, and so far, no cysts found on the baby, which sent me and Josh over the moon, but I don't fully believe that I will get to bring this baby home yet.  Josh and I are always talking about this baby ever so cautiously, and its something that a lot of people do not understand, unless, God forbid, they have had a loss.  I don't want to disappoint myself or others if I am ever, God forbid, told that there is no heartbeat.  Before every ultrasound, I can't sleep.  I get transported right back to that day when we found out Gabe was gone.  I constantly look at my stomach, to see if she's growing.  Its hard to tell, I definitely look different and have a tiny belly, but I want to make sure.  I don't want to get a dopplar, like so many people suggest, because if I can't find that heartbeat, I know I will flip.  I just want to get to a point, where I can actually believe it. 

I know you all understand. 

It is time for an update

Sorry I have been MIA, I don't know if any of you remember, but I was on a 3 week trip with my little sister that began in Seattle.  We then road-tripped it to Yellowstone National Park, Grand Teton National Park, Little Bighorn, Devil's Tower, Rapid City, South Dakota to see my older sis, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse (kinda, from the road) and then finally home.  It was a great experience to see the things that I really have only seen in textbooks before.

Before I left on June 27th, I found out weeks prior that I am pregnant.  I am 9 weeks and 4 days today, and have already had 2 ultrasounds..and so far, so good.  Yesterday, I saw her move.  And they saw no cysts..as of yet, even though we aren't out of the woods yet, as my doc said.  Yep, I called the baby a 'her" only because this pregnancy has been so different from Gabriel's.  I have so many food aversions that my nutrition is coming from oatmeal, lunchables, pasta salad with no veggies, pineapple, bagels and cream cheese or peanut butter, and french fries.  That is pretty much it.  I went to the grocery store the other day and thought I was going to get sick there in the middle of the store.  With Gabriel, I felt GREAT, I only had a chicken aversion. Of course, my little baby made road-tripping a bit difficult, making Mommy so sick, but I didn't care.

I have already started showing a little...a bit disturbing to me that it was so early...lol.

Before my ultrasound yesterday, it was still hard for me to believe that she was going to be alive when I got checked out.  I barely slept.  But after hearing a lot of encouraging words from ultrasound tech and doc yesterday, I feel good.  I feel hopeful, I feel positive.  They said my baby was perfect.  I pray she stays that way. 

In fact, that is why I am updating my blog today, ready to announce that I am pregnant, and I hope Feb 18th gets here quick!

Dear Gabriel,

Dear my precious baby,

     This evening, I was on the computer doing things for my other "kids," you know, the students, and I looked out my office window and watched the family across the street.  They are the cutest little family, a mommy, a daddy, and two girls about your cousins' Aurora's and Scarlett's age.  They were playing tag.  Sometimes I am in awe of them, and I try not to stare.  Tonight I wondered, would I be sitting on my porch with you?  Yelling hello to them across the street?  Maybe I would take you over there, and we would meet them. 
     Somedays, I daydream about you a lot, especially when I am doing other things.  For example, yesterday, our puppy Oscar flipped over onto his back for a belly rub.  Your puppy loves those belly rubs!  I rubbed his belly and right then and there, I thought of you.  I daydreamed about you.  I thought, if you were here, sweet baby boy,  I would have you on your play mat in the middle of our living room, and I would be blowing on your belly button, and tickling your toes.  You and Mommy would just laugh and laugh.  Then Daddy would of been jealous of how much Mommy was making your laugh, and he would try to get your nose.  You would laugh so much at Daddy.  That daydream was the best place I have been all week.  All year.  My entire life.   
    
     On Monday, Daddy and I went to visit you at your place.  We sat there for a really long time, and we didn't say anything, we kept it to ourselves.  My heart was so warm, I knew you were there with us.  Mommy felt bad, because I couldn't find a tiny elephant to leave there for you, but I am still looking.  I thought about taking the baby elephant figurine off of the top of our entertainment center, the one that goes with the momma elephant...but I didn't want to separate them.  As silly as it sounds, when I look at that figurine, I think of you and me. 
    
     This past week, you had your 8 month birthday in heaven.  Although time has flown by, there hasn't been a day that Mommy and Daddy haven't thought about you, loved you, and wanted you with us.  We talk about you all of the time.  We think you would have Daddy's chin, and Mommy's dark hair, and of course, Daddy's charm.  You would have had both of your grandmothers' hearts wrapped around your tiny finger for sure.  And as much as everyone would want to hold you, Mommy would never want to let you go.  You are for sure, Mommy's little man.
 
     Can you feel our kisses that we send up to Heaven?  There are somedays when I am just driving, or talking, or resting, and all of a sudden, I get a feeling.  And I know its you saying hello.  Hello, my baby.

Always loving you, always thinking of you, always missing you,

Mommy