I have given this a lot of thought, as I have noticed that a lot of people who are pregnant decide to start new blogs and dedicate the original blog solely to the babes who the blogs were created for. I have thought about it, and with every thought of this baby, Gabriel is always there in thought too. So I have decided that I will just have one blog, this one, as Gabriel is looking out for me and his little sister or brother.
In fact, I haven't done much recording at all this pregnancy, something I will surely regret later on. I just can't bring myself to get that excited yet. I mean, I have all the reason in the world to be excited...3 GREAT ultrasounds, and so far, no cysts found on the baby, which sent me and Josh over the moon, but I don't fully believe that I will get to bring this baby home yet. Josh and I are always talking about this baby ever so cautiously, and its something that a lot of people do not understand, unless, God forbid, they have had a loss. I don't want to disappoint myself or others if I am ever, God forbid, told that there is no heartbeat. Before every ultrasound, I can't sleep. I get transported right back to that day when we found out Gabe was gone. I constantly look at my stomach, to see if she's growing. Its hard to tell, I definitely look different and have a tiny belly, but I want to make sure. I don't want to get a dopplar, like so many people suggest, because if I can't find that heartbeat, I know I will flip. I just want to get to a point, where I can actually believe it.
I know you all understand.
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
congratulations.... holding you in prayer everyday until that sweet precious baby is in your arms.... i do understand too. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteTotally feeling you. I wondered the same thing, and decided that I will include the new pregnancy in my grief blog. I can't have one clear thought on one without the other, so it makes sense for me.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel about your rainbow pregnancy. I've had trouble connecting with this pregnancy, and now that I'm 22 weeks and the baby moves a lot, the apprehension has set in. There's no easy way about it, no way around the feelings. Take it one day at a time, and before you know it...you'll be holding that beautiful baby!
And, I have a doppler. Coming from someone who also thought I would freak if I couldn't hear the heartbeat...it's worth it. Trust me. I had my doctor show me what to do, and I haven't had one problem. You wouldn't believe the comfort it brings to hear that little whoosh-whoosh-whoosh...but everyone is different.
((HUGS)) We're with you on this rough road ahead. Looking forward to rainbow baby updates!!
This blog is your journey...honor Gabriel here and cronicle his brother or sisters journey along side your beautiful boy. And I do understand you caution in not feeling overly excited and it saddens me that our JOY's can often be over shadowed by the pain endured along this treacherous road. BUT, we keep walking :)
ReplyDeleteWishing you well and congratulations! Sending you some sunshine to follow your rainbow :)