Yesterday, my friend Darlene had a graduation party since she just received her Masters degree from EMU. I see Darlene only a few times a year, but when she does have get togethers, I recognize the same people who gather with her, as Dar has been in my life for about 10 years now. Last year, Darlene had a engagement party, same location, same set up, same music, same time of year as this year's grad party. 365 days ago, I went to the engagement party and sat with Dar's friend Sara, who was pregnant, due in February, and I myself was pregnant with Gabriel, due in March.
Now, a whole year later, I sat with Sara again, only she was holding Ryan, her 6 and a half month old. I sat empty handed. It was that moment that I missed Gabriel so much. I miss him all the time, but there are some days where I still feel that ache, even if I do have a healthy little one inside of me. Sitting next to Sara, my eyes were fixated on Ryan, and again I felt my own loss.
When I first lost Gabriel, I kept thinking that a new and healthy pregnancy would be the cure all end all to this pain. Well, now I finally have it, and I can tell you for sure, and many of you already know this, that it is not the cure all end all. Last night was proof of that.
I continue to pray that God takes care of me and this baby inside of me, and that February gets here so quick. Each doctor appt brings anxiety and fear, and I am not enjoying that at all. Once I get to 20 weeks with a healthy anatomy scan, I think I will relax more. I am 15 weeks 3 days now. 40 weeks seems like an eternity away, especially when I live with all this fear. I know how easily babies can be taken away....
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
I can relate to your situation - there are a few women in my town who shared the same birth week as me. It's a nightmare to run into them with their LO's.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be completely honest here - rainbow pregnancies are more than difficult, and it doesn't end when you pass your "marker" for when you lost your LO. I am 24 weeks now, and if I go a couple hours without feeling him move, I'm in a complete panic. My only advice would be to get a home doppler if you can. It has saved my sanity as much as anything can. I can listen to my LO anytime, and I feel much better knowing I have a chance of catching him in distress if the occasion ever happens...and hearing the hb instantly soothes me.
This is not an easy road we walk. Give yourself hugs and remember how strong you are. Good thoughts are with you!!
Megan,
ReplyDeleteI relate...I just found out that my IUI worked and I am pregnant. Yet, at a time when I should be so excited I am fearful and grief has enveloped my sould. I've cried tears of sadness as this new pregnancy is not a cure for all that ails my heart. This road has been long and so tiring and when I should be so happy, and I am, I can't help but look back and think of Christain, his life and that he was my first baby.
It's all so difficult....praying for your continued journey of success.
Much Love
Andrea