One Year in Heaven

A year ago today, Gabriel was born.

He died one year ago yesterday.

I can't believe its been a year already.

Sometimes I feel bad, like I am not acting right.  I am sure being pregnant successfully helps, but it doesn't take the pain away some days, when I know I should be toting Gabriel around with me.  I do things that are still grief related...like not record things for this baby I am carrying.   I know I will regret it, but every time I sit down to record things in the belly book or take of picture of my belly, something stops me, and I am sure its the fear of something going wrong and having to stuff all of those memories in a box, tuck them deep inside of me where no one can see.

That day of shoving Gabriel's stuff in a memory box about killed me, so I am sure that is why I am not doing anything but trying to enjoy this pregnancy while I have it.

That day, I changed.  And I haven't changed all the way back yet, although time did bring a sense of calm, but not understanding.  "Time can heal what reason cannot."    Somewhat. 

Today is going to be a quiet day.  Its gloomy and grey, similar to how it was when my son was born.  I get very defensive that people don't remember.  Like Gabriel was a miscarriage.  He wasn't a miscarriage, but I lost him so early, people think it was.  And even if he was, "just", as I heard people say, why does that make him any less important? That infuriates me.  Gabriel isn't really treated like a baby that was born into a family.  I don't know what to do about my feelings about that.

Next weekend, my mom, sis, and I are going to do a Remembrance Walk in honor of babies gone too soon.  It is being held at a nice flower garden park in the area.  I am going to wear an elephant necklace, as people bring tokens of remembrance for their babies.

Baby Gabriel,

I think of you everyday, always will.  I feel your baby brother or sister squirming inside of me, and I can't help but mourn the fact that I never felt you.  I did see you though, sweet baby.  I can imagine how you are going to spend your day, cuddling up with a story that Grandma Mary is reading you, or sitting on a comfy cloud with other angel babies.   Maybe you are looking down on me and your daddy.  We are always looking up at the clouds and the stars, thinking of you.  It has been one year, and although you come to me in different ways and tell me its going to be alright, I still seek peace and understanding.  You were a love of my life, baby boy.  I will never forget holding you a year ago today, and I take comfort in the fact that as I was holding your earthly body, Jesus, our Lord, was holding you and me at the same time. 
I love you,
Mommy