The Panic Room

is my house. 

is my classroom...

is my body.

Katy Larsen, I can really sympathize with you, as I know exactly what you are feeling.

I learned I was pregnant again on December 26th, only to find out today, January 6, that I am going to miscarry. 

Now I feel that any hope for a nice and easy pregnancy, is gone.  With Gabriel, I didn't bleed at all..until they forced me to...and when the spotting and bleeding started a few days ago, I searched high and low for reasons not to panic..only to again, for the second time in 3 months, get the worst-case-scenario.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I felt better....like I could beat what Gabriel's death did to me.
Now, I hate my body for not being able to do this right.
I got Gabe's autopsy report too.  Turns out, he did not have an obstructed bladder, but his abdominal wall never closed properly.  My new doc said that I could have been trying to miscarry earlier than when I did, which is why he didn't develop properly. 
So now, and I know its just the grief talking, but I feel like its my fault.  My body is doing this to mine and Josh's babies.
I am scared.  I am only lightly spotting...so what am I in store for?  That scares me.  I keep searching for more hope...maybe I have vanishing twin syndrome and there is still a baby in there....maybe my hcg levels will go back up....
Maybe I am crazy.

I hate myself, and I hate living everyday wishing I had my baby with me...knowing that I wanted this my whole life, the experience of being pregnant....with the perfect guy...and now...well, I may never give him a child.  I am scared I will never have a biological child.....
My doc is going to order labs to see if my body needs to be fixed in some way. 

Damn.