Flashback

Today I learned that a really good friend of mine, who is 11 weeks pregnant, may be experiencing a loss.

She has tried so long to conceive, and after 2 years, finally discovered she was pregnant.  When I found out she was expecting, I was genuinely ecstatic for her, as I know the path to pregnancy had been a long and trying one.

She went to see the heartbeat, and the doctor couldn't find one...and he wants to recheck her in a few days.  She is in Mexico as a missionary. 

As I read her email telling me this, I felt so sad.  I was close to tears.  I thought of her, and the one day being excited for an ultrasound and the next day feeling so sad...and it put me back in my own ultrasound room, October 1, 2009, when we found out little Gabriel's heart stopped beating.  I can close my eyes, and literally, see it.  Hear the tech say, "I am so sorry."  I see the clothes that I wore that day...and I still can't wear them.  I can feel it...like it was yesterday.  I see it still, which is why I am having trouble sleeping right now at 1:15 am.

My friend says that her husband is being really wonderful and keeping her calm...I called Josh upstairs after the email, and we both prayed for my friend.  As we talked about my friend and our own dreadful day, I realized how lucky I am to have a man like Josh...how strong he is, and how positive he has been that we will get our turn.   Even though we were talking about Gabe's cyst and how awful it was that it stopped his heart, we were talking about our son together, and it brought us closer a bit tonight. 

I feel better about trying again.  My blood HCG is at 12, and the doc said we can try as soon as it falls back to below 5.  Josh said the other day, "once we hold our baby in our arms, all of this pain, all of this loss, all of this hurt...will be worth it.  Isn't it worth it to try, Meg?" 

I am literally on my knees praying that my friend gets to hear her baby's heartbeat in a few days...I would hate for her to be in the club that no mother wants to be in.  Instead of sleepless nights with her baby in her arms, she will be like the rest of us..sleepless nights because we can still see the last dreadful ultrasound...hear the doctors and nurses at the dreadful birth...and feel the pain that emptiness provides for us after the realization that we are no longer pregnant...but should be.

I didn't get my miracle.  I pray that my friend gets hers.....