I thought it would take forever to hit the 30 something week mark! Now it seems like time won't slow down and Lucy will be here before I know it....and I am panicky. Excited, but panicky.
How far along:33 weeks :-) At my growth scan last week they said she was measuring almost 2 weeks ahead though, and she is just about 5 pounds already! Holy Moly!
Best Moment This Week:
We passed Christmas and it was so nice having everyone get together, on both my side and Josh's side. Everyone keeps talking about how different next year is going to be, with a 10 month old at Christmas. I got to do a lot of daydreaming about that, so that was nice. I also am on Christmas break from school, and now that I have to have weekly Non-Stress Tests due to high blood pressure, my blood pressure has been the lowest its ever been since 14 weeks. Maybe my crazy job has something to do with it.
Cravings/Aversions:
This is a hard one, because Lucy is so big now that she literally squishes my insides. I have to eat in very small increments or I feel so awful. I am Christmas cookied out...and I haven't really enjoyed sweets this holiday season as much as I usually do. I ate a veggie pizza the other day that was to die for...and I have been enjoying salad with Italian dressing...but eating is usually painful now!
What I miss:
Hmm...sleeping normally. And not having to go to the doctor so much! I go once a week now to see the doctor and have a Non-Stress Test. I feel like I live there! lol. I can't get comfortable at night so I flop around a lot, I keep my poor husband awake. But...this is all worth it. I don't sleep very well because on one of my NSTs, I was laying on my side and Lucy was on her cord, I saw her heart rate drop very suddenly on the monitor and I got very scared...so now I wake up multiple times when I realize I am on my sides....
What I'm looking forward to:
Maternity leave! lol. My showers are also January 9th and 16th, so I am really looking forward to those, and I really want time to get organized and ready for LuLu. I need to practice installing the car seat. We also signed up for birthing classes, so I am kinda excited about those, and I am looking into a breastfeeding course. I am just looking forward to being a mommy!
Emotions:
Well, I am a heck of a lot more anxious lately. I am tired a lot...crabby due to lack of sleep. If anything, I just keep getting more and more excited. I was a bit sad this Christmas, so many people were telling me that next year will be so different, playing Santa and all of that, and I couldn't help thinking of my precious Gabriel, and how I should have been doing that stuff already. It made me feel robbed all over again.
Weekly Wisdom:
I am not wisdomatic this week. I am on holiday break, so I turned my brain off on purpose, lol!
Anything Else to Share:
I finally went out to the cemetery for baby Gabe. We left him a stuffed elephant. We didn't stay long, but it felt wonderful going. I never thought I would have to go to a cemetery to visit one of my children. It is still so surreal sometimes. I feel like I am healing though, and with Lucy coming, I do want to strengthen my relationship with God....I don't want to be so mad at Him sometimes, especially since I have been finally blessed with Lucy. I am working on it.
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
28 weeks...is it February yet????
How far along:
28 weeks :-) Officially in my 3rd trimester!
Best Moment This Week:
I guess since today is Sunday, I can reflect on last week here...
I had a couple GREAT moments this week.
1) We registered for baby Lucy. I was so excited to get up that day, get coffee with my husband, and just spend the day looking at stuff that we wanted for our little LuLu. We went on Wednesday, which was my first day of Thanksgiving Furlough, so I had no school to think about...just thoughts of our daughter and I have to admit, I was excited to just be spending the day with Josh...after almost 11 years together, I get giddy at the thought of being alone with him on any sort of date. I think the registering went well, we decided to only register at BabiesRus, with the idea that people can look and see what we want and then they are free to shop around wherever they choose. In true teacher fashion, I researched and made lists of things that I wanted and that I thought were "must-haves," but when we started out in the breast pump/infant care section, I will admit that I was overwhelmed. Refer to my "Emotions" sections for my anxieties! At one point, a really nice lady came up to me and said that I should go and get something to eat, then come back. She said that when she registered, she started crying in the middle and had to come back. Now, I hope I didn't look like I was going to burst into tears, but it was for sure, more overwhelming than I thought it would be. But overall, I was just thankful to be there, 28 weeks pregnant, feeling my daughter kick and squirm, picking out things especially for her.
2) My second best moment of the week was yesterday at the movies. My husband and I went out to see a movie and as we sat down, an older couple, probably a bit older than our parents' age, were sitting a few seats down. When the movie started, Josh leaned into me and squeezed my arm. He said, "that's us in 50 years, Meg." I asked him what made him say that, and he said, "Because that man just told his wife, 'I am so happy to be here with you' and I know I will be saying the same thing to you at the movies in 50 years."
It was just a sweet thing for Josh to observe and say. I do love him so much.
Cravings/Aversions:I am craving anything with marinara sauce- so pasta, pizza, breads that I can dip into it, anything.
What I miss:Pajamas that fit. I outgrew a lot of my pjs, so I have been wearing my husbands, and then I feel frumpy. Yesterday after the movie I made him take me to the maternity store so that I could buy some maternity pjs. I finally was comfortable lounging around the house last night!
What I'm looking forward to:This week, I am looking forward to getting some addresses together and to start doing some shower planning with my mom. With the holidays upon us, I know that shower time will be here very quickly! I just want to plan something really relaxed, and have a good time with family and friends. I am also looking forward to a coffee date with my friend Corey on Thursday-just to catch up for one, and for two, she is planning on being LuLu's nanny so I can't wait to start talking plans!
Emotions:I am feeling anxious about a few things...specifically, car seats, strollers, and breast pumps. How in the world do you operate those contraptions? At BabiesRus, I tried playing with a stroller, and I thought I broke the darn thing. Then, when I saw the car seat I wanted, I couldn't figure out how to make it fit into the stroller that it apparently went with. Finally, I had to find an employee, who did it in 2.5 seconds and then said, "see, its really easy." WHAT? I couldn't recreate the folding, propping, and hooking.
Fast forward to putting my niece's car seat into my car this weekend. I had to have my sister hook it in, and then my dad check it out, because I didn't know if the darn thing was stable. With all the straps, hooks, and clips, how in the world do these things fit into a car? I don't even have a heated garage to practice in, so I am getting more nervous about car seats too.
And finally, breast pumps. The aisle at the baby store had a million parts for them- milk bags, storage units, nipple pads, plastic nipple things that looked scary, and all sorts of other contraptions that go with the pumps. Look, at this point, the only accessory my boobs are used to is a bra....so to go from just a bra to millions of parts that will apparently hang off my nipples is freaky-deaky to me. I am still getting used to the idea that Lucy will be benefiting from them and that my sex life will be on the decline the entire time, as Josh observes the real reasons my boobs exist- not for him, but for babies.
Weekly Wisdom:
Kids cost money. I didn't really realize that until we registered and when I went today to purchase more nursery furniture that was on sale. Holy Moly, I need a raise!
Anything Else to Share:A dear friend of mine emailed me and got me thinking. She asked if expecting Lucy made the ache for Gabriel a little less noticeable. It really got me thinking.
Sometimes, I get so excited and thankful for Lucy, that I can go days without thinking of him. I guess on those days, the ache doesn't hurt me as much. But then, there are other days. Last Monday a particular song came on the radio that reminded me of Gabe, and I just started bawling in my car. It didn't matter that Lucy was kicking me the entire time, my baby boy wasn't there with me. Another time, I had this need to just go out to the cemetery and see his resting spot...and the urge came out of nowhere. I plan to go see his spot next weekend. So I guess the answer to the question is yes and no. It really does depend on the moment I am living. I get so inspired by people who carved pumpkins and made stockings with their angel's names on them, and I think to myself, should I be doing this for Gabriel? I wish I could, but I think the hurt is still bad enough that I can't bring myself to do it. If his stuff wasn't in the closet, if his name was all over the place with no body, I think I would ache more, not less. I do ultimately want to ache less...celebrate the angel watching over me, and not grieve my loss. There are some moments like the moment in the car last Monday, where it felt like he was taken from me that day. Some wounds just never heal completely, no matter how hard Lucy kicks.
28 weeks :-) Officially in my 3rd trimester!
Best Moment This Week:
I guess since today is Sunday, I can reflect on last week here...
I had a couple GREAT moments this week.
1) We registered for baby Lucy. I was so excited to get up that day, get coffee with my husband, and just spend the day looking at stuff that we wanted for our little LuLu. We went on Wednesday, which was my first day of Thanksgiving Furlough, so I had no school to think about...just thoughts of our daughter and I have to admit, I was excited to just be spending the day with Josh...after almost 11 years together, I get giddy at the thought of being alone with him on any sort of date. I think the registering went well, we decided to only register at BabiesRus, with the idea that people can look and see what we want and then they are free to shop around wherever they choose. In true teacher fashion, I researched and made lists of things that I wanted and that I thought were "must-haves," but when we started out in the breast pump/infant care section, I will admit that I was overwhelmed. Refer to my "Emotions" sections for my anxieties! At one point, a really nice lady came up to me and said that I should go and get something to eat, then come back. She said that when she registered, she started crying in the middle and had to come back. Now, I hope I didn't look like I was going to burst into tears, but it was for sure, more overwhelming than I thought it would be. But overall, I was just thankful to be there, 28 weeks pregnant, feeling my daughter kick and squirm, picking out things especially for her.
2) My second best moment of the week was yesterday at the movies. My husband and I went out to see a movie and as we sat down, an older couple, probably a bit older than our parents' age, were sitting a few seats down. When the movie started, Josh leaned into me and squeezed my arm. He said, "that's us in 50 years, Meg." I asked him what made him say that, and he said, "Because that man just told his wife, 'I am so happy to be here with you' and I know I will be saying the same thing to you at the movies in 50 years."
It was just a sweet thing for Josh to observe and say. I do love him so much.
Cravings/Aversions:I am craving anything with marinara sauce- so pasta, pizza, breads that I can dip into it, anything.
What I miss:Pajamas that fit. I outgrew a lot of my pjs, so I have been wearing my husbands, and then I feel frumpy. Yesterday after the movie I made him take me to the maternity store so that I could buy some maternity pjs. I finally was comfortable lounging around the house last night!
What I'm looking forward to:This week, I am looking forward to getting some addresses together and to start doing some shower planning with my mom. With the holidays upon us, I know that shower time will be here very quickly! I just want to plan something really relaxed, and have a good time with family and friends. I am also looking forward to a coffee date with my friend Corey on Thursday-just to catch up for one, and for two, she is planning on being LuLu's nanny so I can't wait to start talking plans!
Emotions:I am feeling anxious about a few things...specifically, car seats, strollers, and breast pumps. How in the world do you operate those contraptions? At BabiesRus, I tried playing with a stroller, and I thought I broke the darn thing. Then, when I saw the car seat I wanted, I couldn't figure out how to make it fit into the stroller that it apparently went with. Finally, I had to find an employee, who did it in 2.5 seconds and then said, "see, its really easy." WHAT? I couldn't recreate the folding, propping, and hooking.
Fast forward to putting my niece's car seat into my car this weekend. I had to have my sister hook it in, and then my dad check it out, because I didn't know if the darn thing was stable. With all the straps, hooks, and clips, how in the world do these things fit into a car? I don't even have a heated garage to practice in, so I am getting more nervous about car seats too.
And finally, breast pumps. The aisle at the baby store had a million parts for them- milk bags, storage units, nipple pads, plastic nipple things that looked scary, and all sorts of other contraptions that go with the pumps. Look, at this point, the only accessory my boobs are used to is a bra....so to go from just a bra to millions of parts that will apparently hang off my nipples is freaky-deaky to me. I am still getting used to the idea that Lucy will be benefiting from them and that my sex life will be on the decline the entire time, as Josh observes the real reasons my boobs exist- not for him, but for babies.
Weekly Wisdom:
Kids cost money. I didn't really realize that until we registered and when I went today to purchase more nursery furniture that was on sale. Holy Moly, I need a raise!
Anything Else to Share:A dear friend of mine emailed me and got me thinking. She asked if expecting Lucy made the ache for Gabriel a little less noticeable. It really got me thinking.
Sometimes, I get so excited and thankful for Lucy, that I can go days without thinking of him. I guess on those days, the ache doesn't hurt me as much. But then, there are other days. Last Monday a particular song came on the radio that reminded me of Gabe, and I just started bawling in my car. It didn't matter that Lucy was kicking me the entire time, my baby boy wasn't there with me. Another time, I had this need to just go out to the cemetery and see his resting spot...and the urge came out of nowhere. I plan to go see his spot next weekend. So I guess the answer to the question is yes and no. It really does depend on the moment I am living. I get so inspired by people who carved pumpkins and made stockings with their angel's names on them, and I think to myself, should I be doing this for Gabriel? I wish I could, but I think the hurt is still bad enough that I can't bring myself to do it. If his stuff wasn't in the closet, if his name was all over the place with no body, I think I would ache more, not less. I do ultimately want to ache less...celebrate the angel watching over me, and not grieve my loss. There are some moments like the moment in the car last Monday, where it felt like he was taken from me that day. Some wounds just never heal completely, no matter how hard Lucy kicks.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
26 weeks
How Far Along:
26 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
Aurora stayed with me this weekend. Aurora is my 4 year old niece. She and I played Barbies and baked cookies, and played games. The whole time I was enjoying her I kept thinking, I will get to do this with Lucy!
Cravings/Aversions:
I placed the pasta on the back burner this past grocery shopping trip in order to be more healthy. So instead I baked a cauliflower/broccoli casserole and then...smothered it with cheese. So..I am still working on the healthy thing. I do crave more veggies and salad.
What I miss:
Pet Supplies Plus, my old retail job. I never thought I would say that, but the stress at work keeps getting to me. I love being a teacher, but working where I work is taking its toll. I had to take a sick day a week or so ago because I just couldn't face any more stress that the administration keeps laying on. I get panic attacky when I think about that place, and if I actually lived in an area that valued the work that GOOD teachers do, then maybe I would have options. But unfortunately, my profession isn't that valued in these economic times and I feel stuck. I miss being able to work a 9-5 and be home...stress free. God Bless America's teachers.
What I'm looking forward to:
This week, to destress, I am leaving at my contracted time, 3:30. To know me is to know that I work til 5:30 and I barely take work home after that, except for on weekends. But being in that place is killing me. So I am going to work from home and see if I enjoy the job better this week. I love my kids, but the admin is too much..so I am hoping working for my kids in my comfy sweats at home after school will bring them a happier teacher!
Emotions:
I am getting excited just thinking about Lucy and what she will look like. I am sad because I thought I could take 9 weeks off of work and it looks like they are going to hold me to the strict 6 week rule. I am panicking about money a little...
Weekly Wisdom:
Family is the greatest. I really love my family and cling to them for everything. I had a great time being with family this weekend and I don't want to take any of that time for granted. I am really lucky to have what I have.
Anything Else to Share:
Sometimes I wish I didn't have a male doctor. I was really embarrassed of these stretch marks when he lifted my shirt at my appointment this week. I know, they have seen it all, but still....
26 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
Aurora stayed with me this weekend. Aurora is my 4 year old niece. She and I played Barbies and baked cookies, and played games. The whole time I was enjoying her I kept thinking, I will get to do this with Lucy!
Cravings/Aversions:
I placed the pasta on the back burner this past grocery shopping trip in order to be more healthy. So instead I baked a cauliflower/broccoli casserole and then...smothered it with cheese. So..I am still working on the healthy thing. I do crave more veggies and salad.
What I miss:
Pet Supplies Plus, my old retail job. I never thought I would say that, but the stress at work keeps getting to me. I love being a teacher, but working where I work is taking its toll. I had to take a sick day a week or so ago because I just couldn't face any more stress that the administration keeps laying on. I get panic attacky when I think about that place, and if I actually lived in an area that valued the work that GOOD teachers do, then maybe I would have options. But unfortunately, my profession isn't that valued in these economic times and I feel stuck. I miss being able to work a 9-5 and be home...stress free. God Bless America's teachers.
What I'm looking forward to:
This week, to destress, I am leaving at my contracted time, 3:30. To know me is to know that I work til 5:30 and I barely take work home after that, except for on weekends. But being in that place is killing me. So I am going to work from home and see if I enjoy the job better this week. I love my kids, but the admin is too much..so I am hoping working for my kids in my comfy sweats at home after school will bring them a happier teacher!
Emotions:
I am getting excited just thinking about Lucy and what she will look like. I am sad because I thought I could take 9 weeks off of work and it looks like they are going to hold me to the strict 6 week rule. I am panicking about money a little...
Weekly Wisdom:
Family is the greatest. I really love my family and cling to them for everything. I had a great time being with family this weekend and I don't want to take any of that time for granted. I am really lucky to have what I have.
Anything Else to Share:
Sometimes I wish I didn't have a male doctor. I was really embarrassed of these stretch marks when he lifted my shirt at my appointment this week. I know, they have seen it all, but still....
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My Weekly Update -Hope I am not too boring!
How Far Along:
23 weeks :-) (or 24 if you go by Lucy's last measurements..but I am going by my original due date.)
Best Moment This Week:
Thursday was fall Open House for our school and it was a meet the parents night. I had some students come in and introduce me to their parents. When they introduced me, they would point at my stomach and say "and that is Lucy." It was great to hear! Sometimes my students are pretty cool.
Cravings/Aversions:
Same. I went to the Spaghetti Warehouse this week for some good old fashioned spaghetti and meatballs. yummmmmmmmmo. This week I am trying new things with my spaghetti, like chili mac one night this week. Same noodles, just different sauces...lol.
What I miss:
Not to get too personal, but I miss my husband! Now that Lucy is moving a lot, I have become an official mommy to him. Get my drift? haha. I guess its hard to be romantic with the baby permanently in the room right now...lol.
What I'm looking forward to:
After work this week, all I keep thinking about is maternity leave :-) I actually am getting really excited about November coming, because that means the holidays are upon us, and I love holiday season. Josh has also been getting Friday nights off lately so we have actually been having date night. This past Friday was his pick so we went to a hockey game- this week is my pick, and I am not sure yet what I want to do. Maybe coffee and the bookstore- kinda cozy.
Emotions:
I am not jealous or an attention diva...but I have been getting mad when the conversation turns to others when I am talking about Lucy. I just want those moments to be mine and hers alone.
Weekly Wisdom:
Avoid stress. Stress equals extreme heartburn. Buy antacids. I never have them in the house and boy, I have needed them lately.
Anything Else to Share:
In my fight to battle the purple stretchmark epidemic, I succomed to finally pouring foundation all over my belly in hopes it would make me look more attractive...(see What I Miss.....) What happened? Well, nothing in that department for sure, and I just had clothes that seem to be permanently stained nude. Hmmm...the battle continues.
23 weeks :-) (or 24 if you go by Lucy's last measurements..but I am going by my original due date.)
Best Moment This Week:
Thursday was fall Open House for our school and it was a meet the parents night. I had some students come in and introduce me to their parents. When they introduced me, they would point at my stomach and say "and that is Lucy." It was great to hear! Sometimes my students are pretty cool.
Cravings/Aversions:
Same. I went to the Spaghetti Warehouse this week for some good old fashioned spaghetti and meatballs. yummmmmmmmmo. This week I am trying new things with my spaghetti, like chili mac one night this week. Same noodles, just different sauces...lol.
What I miss:
Not to get too personal, but I miss my husband! Now that Lucy is moving a lot, I have become an official mommy to him. Get my drift? haha. I guess its hard to be romantic with the baby permanently in the room right now...lol.
What I'm looking forward to:
After work this week, all I keep thinking about is maternity leave :-) I actually am getting really excited about November coming, because that means the holidays are upon us, and I love holiday season. Josh has also been getting Friday nights off lately so we have actually been having date night. This past Friday was his pick so we went to a hockey game- this week is my pick, and I am not sure yet what I want to do. Maybe coffee and the bookstore- kinda cozy.
Emotions:
I am not jealous or an attention diva...but I have been getting mad when the conversation turns to others when I am talking about Lucy. I just want those moments to be mine and hers alone.
Weekly Wisdom:
Avoid stress. Stress equals extreme heartburn. Buy antacids. I never have them in the house and boy, I have needed them lately.
Anything Else to Share:
In my fight to battle the purple stretchmark epidemic, I succomed to finally pouring foundation all over my belly in hopes it would make me look more attractive...(see What I Miss.....) What happened? Well, nothing in that department for sure, and I just had clothes that seem to be permanently stained nude. Hmmm...the battle continues.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
We have a Lucy!
How Far Along:
22 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
We found out the gender! We are having a little girl! Lucy Ann Kosakowski :-)
Cravings/Aversions:
Same..pasta, pasta, pasta. Oh, and McDonald's breakfast. I was really good this week though and snacked on a lot of carrots so that I didn't go overboard on pasta.
Gender:
Girl!
What I miss:
I actually want to really work out. I have been missing that, believe it or not.
What I'm looking forward to:
Putting the nursery together. I already cleaned out the room and have ordered her crib bedding set. It is so cute, pink elephants and flowers. Josh's dad was here this morning to look at the room and I think he is going to primer it this weekend so we can paint it the appropriate colors, pink and beige. Its fun to plan...I have never reached this stage before.
Emotions:
I am thrilled this week. I have been on cloud 9. I have a new outlook on a lot of things!
Weekly Wisdom:
Stop setting myself up for disappointment by not creating delusions of grandeur. Josh was wonderful when we found on the gender, but then I was picking at every little thing...like when we went shopping to buy Lucy a present and he really wasn't looking, just following me around, I got mad. Why wasn't he more into all this "Daddy's Little Girl," stuff? I harped on him and created a fight, and our night was ruined. I just need to back off and not romanticize how "things are supposed to go." And just let them be.
Anything Else to Share:
Well, I thanked God for a healthy girl. Not that I wouldn't have been ecstatic with a healthy boy, but a girl makes my experience with Gabriel so much more real. I know its real, but now, its for sure real that I have a daughter, and I had a son. I was worried that if the baby was a boy, with my due dates being so similar that people (and maybe even myself) would just trade my experience with Gabriel with the new baby boy- like I got what I had, only a year later. I don't know if I am making any sense here, but I hope you get the gist of what I mean. Instead, with Lucy, its undeniable that she is different, not only in gender but in experience. A girl makes Gabe's existence that much more of a reality. He is going to be a big brother!
22 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
We found out the gender! We are having a little girl! Lucy Ann Kosakowski :-)
Cravings/Aversions:
Same..pasta, pasta, pasta. Oh, and McDonald's breakfast. I was really good this week though and snacked on a lot of carrots so that I didn't go overboard on pasta.
Gender:
Girl!
What I miss:
I actually want to really work out. I have been missing that, believe it or not.
What I'm looking forward to:
Putting the nursery together. I already cleaned out the room and have ordered her crib bedding set. It is so cute, pink elephants and flowers. Josh's dad was here this morning to look at the room and I think he is going to primer it this weekend so we can paint it the appropriate colors, pink and beige. Its fun to plan...I have never reached this stage before.
Emotions:
I am thrilled this week. I have been on cloud 9. I have a new outlook on a lot of things!
Weekly Wisdom:
Stop setting myself up for disappointment by not creating delusions of grandeur. Josh was wonderful when we found on the gender, but then I was picking at every little thing...like when we went shopping to buy Lucy a present and he really wasn't looking, just following me around, I got mad. Why wasn't he more into all this "Daddy's Little Girl," stuff? I harped on him and created a fight, and our night was ruined. I just need to back off and not romanticize how "things are supposed to go." And just let them be.
Anything Else to Share:
Well, I thanked God for a healthy girl. Not that I wouldn't have been ecstatic with a healthy boy, but a girl makes my experience with Gabriel so much more real. I know its real, but now, its for sure real that I have a daughter, and I had a son. I was worried that if the baby was a boy, with my due dates being so similar that people (and maybe even myself) would just trade my experience with Gabriel with the new baby boy- like I got what I had, only a year later. I don't know if I am making any sense here, but I hope you get the gist of what I mean. Instead, with Lucy, its undeniable that she is different, not only in gender but in experience. A girl makes Gabe's existence that much more of a reality. He is going to be a big brother!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
A Walk to Remember
Yesterday was the annual Remembrance Walk in my area to honor those babies who are not with us. On a whim, I sent in Gabriel's name and asked my sister and mom to come along and just see what the walk was about.
Although it wasn't a "walk," more like a very short-round the bend to get to the ceremony site- type of walk, it was still nice. The ceremony made me cry at a couple of parts, and it caught me off guard. It was so nice to honor Gabriel. I do think about Gabriel every single day, but it was so nice to see his name in print in the program and just honor him. It was also comforting to look around and see so many people who have experienced what I had experienced. And a lot of them had new babies, so again, it gave me hope. It was like going to the funeral that I never had for my son.
Well, I hit 21 weeks! I promised myself that when I hit 20 weeks successfully, I would be a better mom to this baby and record things and take belly pictures. While surfing other blogs, Stephanie, who is Vayden's mommy, inspired me to record in a list form. I thought what she was doing on her blog was really neat, so I thought I would emulate. She is after all, the reason I blog. Stephanie continues to inspire me!
How Far Along:
21 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
I always have anxiety about baby movement, like I am not feeling something enough. I talked to Josh about it a lot this week, about becoming so paranoid that something is wrong. Well, both Saturday and this morning, alone in the quiet, baby was so active, kicking away. I think my baby is telling me, "slow down, Mom, and you would feel me more!"
Cravings/Aversions:
I want spaghetti all of the time. I could eat the noodles plain, with marinara or meatballs or meatsauce or pesto..I don't care, but all I want is spaghetti. In fact, talking about it makes me want it more. As far as aversions go, I still am not into Mexican as much, like with Gabriel I wanted Taco Bell all of the time, and with this little one, I haven't touched the stuff. I do enjoy a lot of chips and salsa though.
Gender:
We find out Tuesday! I have no idea! I can't wait!
What I miss:
This is easy. I had a stressful work week. This week I wanted margaritas and wine like no other! I had to settle for chocolate.
What I'm looking forward to:
This week, we find out if this baby is a Lucy or a Chet, so I am really excited to order my baby bedding, so that we can match up a paint sample and start really working on the nursery. Has anyone used Baby SuperMall online? I found some great deals on that web site..
Emotions:
I get pretty irratible still...and exhausted easily. I feel like a failure if I can't get enough accomplished, whereas when I wasn't pregnant I just accepted the fact that I wasn't superwoman..this week I wanted to be Superwoman...
Weekly Wisdom:
I have to take care of me first. I was working a lot of 14 hour days this week, and I was so tired and busy that I couldn't remember if I even had any water or took my folic acid. I have to take care of me, and quit work by 5..no matter what.
Anything Else to Share:
I am currently dealing with the dreaded purple stretchmark epidemic. I keep using lotion like crazy, but they are there...that really freaks me out, because it makes me feel yucky. I ordered some stuff from Avon in order to help me with this problem! :-)
Although it wasn't a "walk," more like a very short-round the bend to get to the ceremony site- type of walk, it was still nice. The ceremony made me cry at a couple of parts, and it caught me off guard. It was so nice to honor Gabriel. I do think about Gabriel every single day, but it was so nice to see his name in print in the program and just honor him. It was also comforting to look around and see so many people who have experienced what I had experienced. And a lot of them had new babies, so again, it gave me hope. It was like going to the funeral that I never had for my son.
Well, I hit 21 weeks! I promised myself that when I hit 20 weeks successfully, I would be a better mom to this baby and record things and take belly pictures. While surfing other blogs, Stephanie, who is Vayden's mommy, inspired me to record in a list form. I thought what she was doing on her blog was really neat, so I thought I would emulate. She is after all, the reason I blog. Stephanie continues to inspire me!
How Far Along:
21 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
I always have anxiety about baby movement, like I am not feeling something enough. I talked to Josh about it a lot this week, about becoming so paranoid that something is wrong. Well, both Saturday and this morning, alone in the quiet, baby was so active, kicking away. I think my baby is telling me, "slow down, Mom, and you would feel me more!"
Cravings/Aversions:
I want spaghetti all of the time. I could eat the noodles plain, with marinara or meatballs or meatsauce or pesto..I don't care, but all I want is spaghetti. In fact, talking about it makes me want it more. As far as aversions go, I still am not into Mexican as much, like with Gabriel I wanted Taco Bell all of the time, and with this little one, I haven't touched the stuff. I do enjoy a lot of chips and salsa though.
Gender:
We find out Tuesday! I have no idea! I can't wait!
What I miss:
This is easy. I had a stressful work week. This week I wanted margaritas and wine like no other! I had to settle for chocolate.
What I'm looking forward to:
This week, we find out if this baby is a Lucy or a Chet, so I am really excited to order my baby bedding, so that we can match up a paint sample and start really working on the nursery. Has anyone used Baby SuperMall online? I found some great deals on that web site..
Emotions:
I get pretty irratible still...and exhausted easily. I feel like a failure if I can't get enough accomplished, whereas when I wasn't pregnant I just accepted the fact that I wasn't superwoman..this week I wanted to be Superwoman...
Weekly Wisdom:
I have to take care of me first. I was working a lot of 14 hour days this week, and I was so tired and busy that I couldn't remember if I even had any water or took my folic acid. I have to take care of me, and quit work by 5..no matter what.
Anything Else to Share:
I am currently dealing with the dreaded purple stretchmark epidemic. I keep using lotion like crazy, but they are there...that really freaks me out, because it makes me feel yucky. I ordered some stuff from Avon in order to help me with this problem! :-)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
One Year in Heaven
A year ago today, Gabriel was born.
He died one year ago yesterday.
I can't believe its been a year already.
Sometimes I feel bad, like I am not acting right. I am sure being pregnant successfully helps, but it doesn't take the pain away some days, when I know I should be toting Gabriel around with me. I do things that are still grief related...like not record things for this baby I am carrying. I know I will regret it, but every time I sit down to record things in the belly book or take of picture of my belly, something stops me, and I am sure its the fear of something going wrong and having to stuff all of those memories in a box, tuck them deep inside of me where no one can see.
That day of shoving Gabriel's stuff in a memory box about killed me, so I am sure that is why I am not doing anything but trying to enjoy this pregnancy while I have it.
That day, I changed. And I haven't changed all the way back yet, although time did bring a sense of calm, but not understanding. "Time can heal what reason cannot." Somewhat.
Today is going to be a quiet day. Its gloomy and grey, similar to how it was when my son was born. I get very defensive that people don't remember. Like Gabriel was a miscarriage. He wasn't a miscarriage, but I lost him so early, people think it was. And even if he was, "just", as I heard people say, why does that make him any less important? That infuriates me. Gabriel isn't really treated like a baby that was born into a family. I don't know what to do about my feelings about that.
Next weekend, my mom, sis, and I are going to do a Remembrance Walk in honor of babies gone too soon. It is being held at a nice flower garden park in the area. I am going to wear an elephant necklace, as people bring tokens of remembrance for their babies.
Baby Gabriel,
I think of you everyday, always will. I feel your baby brother or sister squirming inside of me, and I can't help but mourn the fact that I never felt you. I did see you though, sweet baby. I can imagine how you are going to spend your day, cuddling up with a story that Grandma Mary is reading you, or sitting on a comfy cloud with other angel babies. Maybe you are looking down on me and your daddy. We are always looking up at the clouds and the stars, thinking of you. It has been one year, and although you come to me in different ways and tell me its going to be alright, I still seek peace and understanding. You were a love of my life, baby boy. I will never forget holding you a year ago today, and I take comfort in the fact that as I was holding your earthly body, Jesus, our Lord, was holding you and me at the same time.
I love you,
Mommy
He died one year ago yesterday.
I can't believe its been a year already.
Sometimes I feel bad, like I am not acting right. I am sure being pregnant successfully helps, but it doesn't take the pain away some days, when I know I should be toting Gabriel around with me. I do things that are still grief related...like not record things for this baby I am carrying. I know I will regret it, but every time I sit down to record things in the belly book or take of picture of my belly, something stops me, and I am sure its the fear of something going wrong and having to stuff all of those memories in a box, tuck them deep inside of me where no one can see.
That day of shoving Gabriel's stuff in a memory box about killed me, so I am sure that is why I am not doing anything but trying to enjoy this pregnancy while I have it.
That day, I changed. And I haven't changed all the way back yet, although time did bring a sense of calm, but not understanding. "Time can heal what reason cannot." Somewhat.
Today is going to be a quiet day. Its gloomy and grey, similar to how it was when my son was born. I get very defensive that people don't remember. Like Gabriel was a miscarriage. He wasn't a miscarriage, but I lost him so early, people think it was. And even if he was, "just", as I heard people say, why does that make him any less important? That infuriates me. Gabriel isn't really treated like a baby that was born into a family. I don't know what to do about my feelings about that.
Next weekend, my mom, sis, and I are going to do a Remembrance Walk in honor of babies gone too soon. It is being held at a nice flower garden park in the area. I am going to wear an elephant necklace, as people bring tokens of remembrance for their babies.
Baby Gabriel,
I think of you everyday, always will. I feel your baby brother or sister squirming inside of me, and I can't help but mourn the fact that I never felt you. I did see you though, sweet baby. I can imagine how you are going to spend your day, cuddling up with a story that Grandma Mary is reading you, or sitting on a comfy cloud with other angel babies. Maybe you are looking down on me and your daddy. We are always looking up at the clouds and the stars, thinking of you. It has been one year, and although you come to me in different ways and tell me its going to be alright, I still seek peace and understanding. You were a love of my life, baby boy. I will never forget holding you a year ago today, and I take comfort in the fact that as I was holding your earthly body, Jesus, our Lord, was holding you and me at the same time.
I love you,
Mommy
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