What Should Have Been....

Josh and I can't go to bed sometimes without thinking about and talking about what might have been.  Especially this week, as tomorrow is what would have been, Gabriel's due date.

I know it doesn't matter to the majority of people who I know, I mean, some people don't really consider him my baby, but something that didn't grow.  Most people don't even know that he was named.   Even when I was going through the really hard stuff, I don't think I could comprehend how much I could love him, and how much he could influence my everyday life. 

With this day approaching, my body has been failing me.  The terrible migraines, the getting sick.  I can't tell if I am coming down with something or if its the stress of the knowledge that I don't have what should have been.  Tonight I could barely lift my pounding head from the couch pillow.

Last night, I went to sleep crying, just thinking of the fond things I remember, like telling my parents, and Josh's parents.  Last night I imagined things that I can't have...like what would the nursery look like?  Would I have been induced?  Would we be excitedly leaving for the hospital?  Would we have baby stuff strewn about the house?  Would my sisters be flying home?  Would my mom be moving in for a couple days to help? And most importantly, what would he have looked like?  Would he have the Cole chin, or Josh's eyes, would he have dark hair or red hair?  The thoughts of those things make me smile for a second, before the pain gets the better of me.

I never thought I would be sitting here 5 months after Gabe's death and not be pregnant...not be happy.  And I never thought I would have had an ectopic.  Josh keeps telling me that our turn for happiness is right around the corner, he can feel it.  I can't.  I still can't feel anything good. 

Tomorrow I will spend the day thinking of my baby.  I will write him a letter from his mommy, and then Josh and I will be going to dinner at the Elephant Bar.  We thought the choice of restaurant was appropriate. 

I really wish I was in the hospital right now holding him, feeding him, loving him.  The only memory I have of giving birth is bawling my way through it...and wishing to God that I could vanish and have a do over.  I wish I could give birth and have the common, happy, result.  Wow, I would be delirously happy.  Can you all picture me?  When I finally get there?  I will be bawling just because I finally got there...

But I am having a really hard time just wanting him here with me.  The pain just won't stop, no matter how much I try to be a normal person.  I just miss him so much, and the life I should be leading right now.  My mom tries to tell me I am not broken, but I am.  No matter how hard I wish, this defeated feeling just won't let my heart go.   And even though I know that thinking of the "what should have beens" is not healthy, I can't move forward yet.  Maybe I will be able to, after tomorrow.