So, if anyone was wondering where I have been, I went to Las Vegas for a few days with my sisters. The trip was supposed to be my last hoorah with alcohol and caffeine, as we are now actively trying to conceive again. It was a great time, but it made me very aware of my body....let me explain.
Both my sisters have my mother's genetic makeup, so they have tiny hips and are built pretty tiny build in general. They are also so short...and then there is me. I don't think I am gargantuan by any means, but all the pictures next to them, made me a little self-conscious. So, one night in the shower, I looked down at my own body, and instead of noticing my big hips and thighs, I noticed my battle scars.
I have two tiny stretch marks from my pregnancy with Gabriel...just to the right of my belly button.
I have my CVS scar from when they wanted to know what was wrong with him, and its located about three fingers down from my belly button.
I have my surgical scar, a small horizontal one, from my second pregnancy, located above my pelvis.
I have a small scar from my laparascopy, from my second pregnancy, in my belly button.
I have a hole in my heart, located in the center, from both of my pregnancies.
With March coming up, who knows how I will act, or how I will be. Right now, I feel okay. I am trying to live like we are conceiving for the first time..not that I can ever forget about my sweet son...but I am trying...who knows, that may go out the window, depending on how long it takes me to have a successful pregnancy. I keep thinking that if I found out I was pregnant in March, then it would be like Gabriel helping me along somehow..but I don't want to get my hopes up.
March 11th will be the hardest. That was the first due date. That is the day that my insides will no longer ache, but my arms will start to. I am going to try my hardest to get through that day not lying in bed.
I am just trying to get through...
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
Thinking of you and holding your hand along the way :)
ReplyDeleteMarch is going to be tough for me as well, it marks the month my blissful existence started...little did I know it would be short lived. Yet, I remain HOPEFUL, hopeful for you and hopeful for me. I too have that "hole" in my heart, but wouldn't change the experience, as I'll always have those little footprints etched on my heart. And, I will forever feel the brush of an angels wings.
You WILL get through....and we will walk with you along the way.
xo
I am so sorry! I am not looking forward to May. I am so scared for what it will bring. I do have a question for you. I am a school teacher too and I was wondering how this has affected your teaching? I feel like I have lost my edge. I still care about my students, but I feel lost. I hope that makes sense. I don't stay late and plan like I used to. I don't push myself like before. Does it get better? Will it come back? I just don't know what to do.
ReplyDeleteGood question! Well, when my loss first happened, teaching was really hard. I couldn't focus. I took 2 long weeks off, and I could have taken longer, but I thought teaching would help me feel better...it didn't. I teach at a small charter school and 5 different classes so I have soooo much to grade and plan for everyday, and my heart hasn't been in it. I look for independent based novel projects or something sometimes so that I can still meet their state criteria, but its little on my part..and I feel awful for that. Sometimes, I just want to sleep. It does get better, each and every day, but sometimes, just getting though the work day without thinking about my pregnancy makes it a good enough day for me, you know? Maybe next year, I can regain my edge as well.
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