Time for a Change

Wow...I have really let blogging go.

Today I found myself really moping around.  I had some free time, and during that free time I did the same three things that I always do during my free time.  1) watched mindless television, although, Restaurant Impossible and Chef Hunter are incredible shows....2) folded laundry (completely miserable) and 3) lesson planned, at a half-assed level. 

Then I thought about all of the things that I would rather be doing (finally blogging, writing in Lulu's journal, organizing her photo album, actually lesson planning like the kick-ass teacher that I used to be, Christmas shopping/planning, etc).

See, I used to be a creative work-aholic, in all aspects of my life, until Gabriel. 

And now, even though I am completely happy,  I still can't get out of shut-down mode when I am alone.

Well, this ends.  Because of the cute little girl posted above, I am going to do everything in my power to just be better.  Starting with blogging.   Why is blogging important to me?  Well, I recently just went to a tech seminar for educators in which I was told that all sorts of technology, including the use of a blog, is important not only to read what others are saying, but to teach all sorts of learners, not just the ones in my classroom, but to anyone out there in cyberspace who just might stumble upon it, and think that what I am trying to say is interesting.  The world can be my classroom.

I believe I have something to say, not just to people who have suffered losses, but to anyone...anyone experiencing a hectic life...who can possibly relate to me.  Gabriel might have been the start of my NEW life plan, and now my blog has to reflect me actually living that new life...off of the couch.

So, now my new blog, which will remain the same name because Gabriel inspired me to write again, will be about all sorts of things....my teaching experiences, my learning experiences, funny stories, family laughter, thoughts on the nation, the world, my world, my life. 

Welcome to the Kosakowski classroom. 

Happy 2nd angelversary, my love.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,Then whispered as she closed the book,"Too beautiful for Earth"-Unknown..

Facebook Slapped Me in the Face

I enjoy getting on Facebook.  I am almost obsessed with status updates.  It really is a convenient way to catch up with everyone and know what they are up to.

Today I signed on and as I was checking the updates of my friends, I saw a tab at the right that said..see what Megan was up to this day in 2009. 

2009.....I was pregnant with Gabriel at this time in 2009. 

I almost didn't click on the tab.  It sounds awful, but I haven't thought about him in awhile.  I will always love Gabriel, and so much of me now is because of him and that experience.  Everything changed, the way I think, the way I believe, the way I love, the way I question, the way I pray...my whole being is different.  So because of that, Gabe is always with me.  But, I am not walking around in a haze anymore, so in that regard, I haven't thought about him. 

I did click on the tab, and it said, "Megan Cole-Kosakowski is exhausted from planning the school week. But on the bright side, my first ultrasound is tomorrow and I get to leave school early at 2 :-)"

Slap.

I just sat there, staring at it.  Lucy was playing on the floor next to me, but its like..I heard no sound in the room.  I just kept staring at it.  This was the last day in 2009 that I was happy.  Ignorant bliss.  It was the next day that I was to find out that something was wrong with my baby.

Ever since reading that today, I have been walking around feeling like I have been slapped in the face.  Or punched in the gut......

The Lies we Tell, The Words We Keep

The sad part about my life right now is that most of it revolves around empty promises, negotiations, and making myself feel better with plans of good intentions.
I tell myself lies everyday.  I tell them to myself knowing that they are lies.  Let me start with the simple.  I will follow my diet tomorrow.  Heck no.  I still don't eat fruits and veggies and I am still living off of iced coffee. 

Here is another: Today will be the last day that I use my credit card.  I am 29 years old, and I am drowning in debt.  Maternity leave really set me back financially, so guess how I made up some income?  Using my good ol' Bank of America.  Who cares that they are charging me 24 percent interest....I don't at the time of the swipe.  I do when I make the payment, especially when I see that little paper statement that tells me if I keep paying that amount and only that amount, I won't be out of debt until the year 2045. 

Here is another: I am really going to work on my marriage.  Josh and I have a good marriage.  We are in no way headed for divorce.  But I live my life treating him badly.  I know it, he knows it.  I have too many expectations, and he is used to not meeting them.  So he doesn't.  And I get bitter.  And we live our lives as parents and hard working middle class people.   Every day I wake up and I tell myself, I am going to give him the best kiss goodbye before he leaves for work.  I am going to tell him how much I love him.  I am going to be better in my tone and not talk to him like one of my high school students.  Instead I wake up and I bitch him out about not letting the dog out in time and he pissed all over the carpet.  Then he doesn't want to talk to me the rest of the day. 

How many of us as new parents hate the way our marriages have become? (I do, I do!!  I am enthusiastically raising my hand here!)  I am 1000 percent in love with my husband, but as a new parent, I don't really remember what that feels like.  We live our lives taking turns taking care of the baby, and paying bills, and divvying up household chores.   We go to bed exhausted, and when Lucy drops her paci and starts crying in her crib at midnight after finally getting her to sleep there at 11, Josh and I have a pissing competition to see who worked harder that day and who really should get out of bed. 

I am ashamed of that fact.

The worst lie of all is after Gabriel died, I told myself that everything would be different. 

My son really put things in perspective.  I didn't want to get angry at the little things, because, really, was it worth it?  Josh and I lost a child.  We had to come together and go through something that many will not ever have to face.  We actually lost 3 souls, if you count the ectopic and the chemical, which we do.  When Gabriel was born, I looked at my husband crying, and I told myself that the marriage we had in the past was over.  Of course many people would say that every day, they fall more and more in love with their spouses.  Definitely after the birth of a child, a live healthy child.  But I really fell madly in love with my husband after the birth of our son, who we never saw fully developed, who is still termed today by my doctor as a miscarriage.  We saw each other in the most fragile state, and were there for each other, and helped each other through the worst possible pain.  We were the most vulnerable then. 

I tend to forget that promise I made to myself that day.  And  when I think of Gabriel, I think of how I was feeling about Josh. 

I want to make a promise to get back there, and this time keep my word.   I have seen the crumbling of marriages, and by gosh, that is not going to be me.

Thank you, son, for reminding me how much I love your daddy. 

"They were wanted, were real, are loved, are grieved, and will be remembered forever."

That is the amazing quote that is on Gabriel's grave site, the grave site for all babies born too soon (under 20 weeks) in my area. 







We went for a visit on Memorial Day.  Josh and I had an interesting conversation about Gabriel recently.  I have been disappointed and offended for quite sometime, as Josh refuses to read this blog.  I write about our son, to our son, and even about our daughter, yet, my husband won't read it.  Strangers, friends, and family care about what I have to say, but my own husband can't stand to look at it.  At first,  I didn't understand.  It was hurtful to me.  But then he said it was just too hard.  He equated it to me not going to see Gabriel. 

I don't go to the site very often.  Its hard.  Its hard to know that there lies my son, with hundreds of others, who were just taken from loving parents because sometimes, life isn't fair.  Its hard to be there, and even when I visited on Memorial Day, I was there for only seconds.

To this day, I can't stand the thought of him being anywhere than in my arms.  So I get what Josh is saying.

On this day, we took a yellow rose to him.  Around Christmas, we took a green and yellow elephant.  I was happy to see that the same elephant was still there, several months later.  It made my heart happy to see that he still had his elephant and that the weather or groundskeeper didn't take it. 
It made my heart happy just to think of him. 

Someone said that Lucy was looking blonder by the day.  She is.  She is the spitting image of her daddy.  That same person then said, "maybe the next one will look like you."

Maybe Gabriel does.    Whose to say that he isn't sitting up there fishing with Great Grandpa Chet, looking like the spitting image of his mother?

The Power of the Pen

For a different kind of unit, I taught a Creative Writing course to my sophomores.  We did some silly poetry, some silly paragraphs and lists, and in groups they wrote children's books.  Then, I showed them the movie "Freedom Writers" (amazing that many had not seen it) and I assigned them to journal for 7 days.  Some kids wanted to write a recollection of things they did throughout the day, and I said I would rather have personal reflections about things that they have experienced.  They wanted examples. They told me that I could not expect them to get personal with me if I did not get personal with them.

So I talked about Gabriel.

This was on Tuesday. 

Whenever I talk about him, I still tense up.  I still feel a lot of pain.  I still feel ridiculous.  I feel ridiculous because Gabriel wasn't like Evan, my friend's baby who was carried to term with a bladder obstruction and then only lived for about 11 hours.  I never felt Gabe kick.  Was he really there?   Yes......

On Wednesday, I went to my parents to help feed the horses.  There are a bunch of barn cats there, as you can imagine, and a couple litters of kittens from said barn cats.  My mom showed me some kittens that were just weak..wouldn't nurse...and it was apparent that they were going to die.   This really upset me, because they were babies.  Later on, I was walking out of the barn and was trying to not step on cats that had gathered by my feet, thinking they were going to get fed.  My mom walked over to feed them, and as I took a step toward the exit..I heard a crunch.  I looked down, and there was a kitten, under foot, seizing.
I was so hysterical.  I didn't mean it.  I didn't mean it.  I didn't mean it.

I cried all night.  I knew that poor kitten was going to die, and it was all of my irresponsible fault. 

I don't know why it affected me so much.  It wasn't a pet, just a ferrel barn kitten for all I knew...but it was a baby that didn't live. And I caused it.

Maybe talking about Gabe the day before got me thinking about death...who knows.

I am so paranoid now about Lucy.  Josh and I talk of moving her into the crib, and I can't bear the thought, even with a monitor.  I want her next to me.  I want to make sure she is breathing...I want to lean over and just know she is okay. 

I am now in the stage of motherhood where I am petrified of SIDS.   How does one overcome that fear?

Until I figure it out, she stays right next to me in her bassinet. 

Gabriel's Outfit

Lucy-LuLu is finally in 3 month and 3-6 month clothes.  I washed a bunch of them the other night, considering I had any size that wasn't newborn or 0-3 months packed away.  Today, as I was rummaging through the sleepers to find her something new to wear, I came across the first outfit I ever bought for my precious Gabriel.  I wish I would have taken a picture of Lucy wearing it, ahh well, I will next time.  It has an elephant on it, and it is grey, green, and yellow.  There are a couple more outfits in there that I bought for Gabriel, I remember buying some as soon as I found out he was a boy.  I knew he was sick then, but I didn't care, I was going to have a baby boy, and I was going to bring him home.  I remember thinking that, as I bought those outfits at Kohls.  Life can certainly throw some curve balls, can't it?  Lucy looked great in the outfit, and I added a yellow bow to her hair.  One day, she will know she had an older brother.

This past weekend was my older sister's baby shower.  She is due at the end of May.  I love my older sister, but I do remember being younger and always thinking that it would be so cool to have an older brother.  Older brothers protect you.  Adriane wasn't really protective in our younger years, if anything, she wanted to get away from us, or so I felt.  Casey (my younger sis) and I were not very nice to her on many occasions...we were definitely the annoying younger siblings who would tattle and snoop through her room.  I always thought a brother would be more protective. 

I wonder if the child my mother lost was a boy. 

I want Lucy to know how protected she is, not only by her family, but by Gabriel, who walks alongside our Lord.  I want Lucy to think of him when the wind blows, just like I do.  You know, those soft warm winds that tickle your ears...when I feel those breezes, I know he is sending me kisses.  It's hard to feel them in the winter.   Sometimes I imagine myself explaining to Lucy why we celebrate October 2nd and how she has a big brother in Heaven, and I get sad to think that one day, she might think we are crazy, since he never developed passed a certain point.  In fact, technically he was a miscarriage, and not a still birth.  People don't create older brothers out of miscarriages, do they?  I think some people still think I didn't have a son...I had a miscarriage. 

Oh how I miss him so much sometimes.  I get to experience the most wonderful things with Lucy, and I wonder what it would have been like with him.  Would he be just as fussy at night?  Would his toes be ticklish too? 

I am glad I didn't pack those outfits away like I originally planned.  They look good on his little sis.