Lucy - 6 weeks and a reflection on fathers

I can't believe my baby is 6 weeks old! 

I have really beat myself up about not blogging more.  I have always been a writer, so I thought that when my baby was born, I would be really great about recording things and writing everything down.  I think I am going to still, in letter form to Lucy, and give her the book when she is 18.  I am just waiting on my mother to give me the book she said she would get me, haha. 

I didn't want to stop blogging just because I have a baby and some people may think that those feelings of loss and grief aren't there-that I forgot about Gabriel.

It is crazy, I think about Gabriel now more than ever.  We just passed his would have been due date and I couldn't help but think what life would have been like had Gabe been here.  I look at Lucy and I see Gabe's profile in her, and always wonder what he would have looked like full term.  I sing her Gabe's lullaby or play it for her on my Ipod and I get a little choked up every time- she really loves it. 

I thought about Gabe a lot when I think about the role of fathers.  I have recently been a bit shocked at my husband, I always expected him to be a "daddy-dad," one who couldn't take his eyes of his little girl and would just want to hold her and be with her all the time.  Josh is kind of the opposite, he loves her with all of his heart, but I think he is scared he is going to break her, since he considers her to be so tiny.  His hesitance with her really broke my heart the first couple of weeks and it really got me thinking.  I want him to be a daddy, not just a father. 

My dad was a daddy.  Our protector, our disciplinarian, our playmate.  I see him with Lucy, and I knew he held me the same.  I have very fond memories of him being playful with me and my sisters when we were little, whether it was playing baseball with us in the back yard or surprising us with nachos and a movie, my dad was hands-on with us.  He would take us fishing and let us chew on one of his cigars (wrapper on, of course) as he smoked his, he would help us with our 4H wood-working projects and be just as wrapped up in what color ribbon we would earn as we were.  Now, there were moments that we knew we didn't want to be on his bad side, and I believe those moments, coupled with incredible values taught by both mother and father, are what kept me and my siblings out of serious trouble.  My dad is an incredible man, one who I love very much.  I admire my dad for so many reasons, and he always made everything better.  He could be strict and an ogre sometimes, but I always wanted to please him, to make him proud.  He took care of us, not only being the provider, but our emotions..like, when I was 12 or so and my older sister didn't watch my bike when I was at book club at the library and it got stolen.  Dad and I drove around looking for it, and because I was so heartbroken, he went out the same day and got me another bike. 

In adulthood, my dad is still someone who just makes everything better.  I will never forget that after Gabriel died, Josh and I went to dinner at my parent's for the first time since the delivery...I was doing okay at first, just trying to have a normal Sunday dinner, but then it hit me...that I wasn't pregnant anymore and my baby was dead, and I was there, trying to carry on like it was all normal.  I had to get up and leave the kitchen because I didn't want my mom and Josh to see me lose it again..I had been crying so much.  I went into the living room and my dad was there.  He took one look at me, and just came over and grabbed me, and held me in the biggest hug and just let me cry it out on his shoulder.  It lasted only a minute, but he was there.  He was my daddy, even though I was 27 years old. 

I want Josh to have that relationship with Lucy.  I want her to be in her adulthood, reflecting on her father and childhood the way I just did here- very fondly.  I know Josh will get more comfortable...after March Madness of course...haha.

Back to my 6 week old precious girl, she is now a whopping 9 pounds, 11 ounces.  She smiles a lot in the morning after her feeding.  She loves the sunlight and her vibrating bouncer.  Her mommy is her best friend :-)
I love putting hair bows in her hair, and I could watch her nurse and sleep all the live long day.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for my incredible gift.  I am loving this new life of mine, and it is already going by way too fast- I had to pack the newborn clothes away last week.  She hates bath time at night, but on Sunday mornings, Josh puts her in the bath tub with me and we have the best time.  The jury is still out on her hair color- this morning it looked red in the light, but most of the time, it looks dirty blonde.  She sleeps very well at night, getting up twice, and she does have a fussy period every evening. 

She looks like her father.  I look like my father. 

I am so in love with her. 

Lucy Ann's Birth Story

Last Saturday, February 12th, I woke up and had my normal decaf coffee. Around 9 am, I felt what were like menstrual cramps. At first, I thought I was dehydrated, and that they would go away. Around 10:30 am, I told my husband that I thought I was having contractions because they were not subsiding. We started writing down times. By noon, they were still there, coming consistently between 7 minutes and 10 minutes apart.  I was scared to call the doctor and sound like an idiot, in case these weren't real contractions.

For peace of mind, I wound up calling. The on-call doctor told me that unless they were 5-6 minutes apart and painful enough where I couldn't walk, talk, or breathe, then I should just stay home.

So I did...My husband and I went to Olive Garden, we played Scrabble, I talked to my little sis on the phone for an hour, I read a bit of my George W Bush memoir that I bought in November and haven't had the time to read, and I worked on thank-you notes from my shower. I would just pause when the contraction came, but they never got super painful like the doctor described.

Around 11:30, my husband and I went to bed and put Saturday Night Live on. I got another contraction, but this one was extremely painful. I turned over and told Josh that if I got another one like that in 5 minutes, we were going in. Next thing I knew, I felt a pop. It literally felt like something disconnected from my body. It scared me, so I moved off of the bed and got on my knees. "I think my water broke..." I said. Upon standing, it was confirmed, I was leaking all over the place.

My husband immediately got out of bed. "We are going to have a baby!" He exclaimed. He put on clothes, he grabbed my bag, he started the car...I on the other hand thought I had plenty of time. I put make up on, as I knew my pic would be taken, (lol) and I continued to clean up after myself, as I was leaking all over the place. Then I got a contraction that really hurt....this is the kind the doctor described.

We got into the car. The contractions came faster, about every 2 and a half minutes, and they hurt.

We got to the hospital at 12:30ish Sunday morning. I got all checked in. The contractions hurt so bad that I felt like I was one of those wussy women in the movies...I was wailing and begging for drugs. I got Nubane, but all that did was make me feel drunk, but I felt the contractions too. I wailed so loud that I got moved up the epidural list, as I was third in line that night! haha!

Once I got my epidural, they checked me and I was at 5 cm. I was told to get some sleep, that I wouldn't be a 10 until probably 9 am or so. However, when they checked me at 6 am, I was told I was ready to push.

It was 7 am before I actually started to push. I was told it could take a long time. And boy, it did! I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and then finally...I was told that I had "too tight" of muscles and I had to have an episiotomy. Scared out of my mind for that, I hit my epidural button 10 more times...haha.

After the procedure, I pushed really hard again, and was told to stop. At 9:56 am, February 13th, my baby, Lucy Ann was born. Josh was ecstatic, and cut the cord right away, as I listened for her cry. Once I heard her, and they set her on my stomach...the feeling overwhelmed me. I have her...I have my baby. I was looking at someone my husband and I made...The nurse put her on my chest and counted her fingers and toes with me...I told her "I waited so long for you...."

They took her to clean her and weigh her, and I got stitched up. I said a thank you to God, kissed my husband, and thought of my sweet baby Gabe...and couldn't believe I was actually experiencing a birth that was ending on a positive note.  I have thought of Gabriel often, so often...wondering if he would have looked like his sister.  I have thought about him more than I thought I would...and have gotten sad even though I feel so happy and blessed.  I just wonder what life would have been like, if he were around too.  The first song I hummed/sang to Lucy was Gabriel's song- the Dumbo song that plays on this blog.  She loves it.  It calms her right down.  I know its her brother touching and warming her heart.  I can't wait to watch Dumbo with her.  I need to get it on DVD...well, I need to get it period :-). 

I have been truly blessed, and have never, ever, been so in love. I can't stop kissing her...

Lucy Ann Kosakowski | Facebook

Dear Gabriel,

Dear precious baby,
     When your daddy named you, I was skeptical.  We had a name picked for you as you know, and days after your body was born, I was beating myself up quite a bit about not officially giving that name to you, like I was hoarding it for some other baby.  But then your daddy told me that you were not meant to have that name, and that your name will be Gabriel, as Gabriel was an angel who stood in the presence of God. 
     Your name literally means, "God is my strength."  Gabriel the archangel was sent to announce the birth of John the Baptizer and announced to Mary that she would indeed have a son and to prepare for the birth of our lord Jesus Christ.  Gabriel then became known as the one who looked after future births, and was sent by God to do so.  After doing some research, I learned that in England, charms were sold of Gabriel to women as a comfort - that he was watching over them for fertility and safe childbirth. 
     I then fell in love with your name, as I knew you would one day, look over us.  I knew it was you calming me down after my ectopic- where I lost another.  I just remember waking up at home after surgery and just feeling peace- and I knew that was you, telling me that it would be okay, and I would soon have a precious baby here with me.  You made me feel so certain.  I knew you were directly delivering a message to me from God.
     And now I sit, almost 38 weeks pregnant, knowing that I will have your baby sister here by the end of next week.  Your daddy and I are so very excited.  In her nursery, we have our "elephant family" displayed.  Your aunt Casey got a family of ceramic elephants with all of our birthstones on them.  There is a mommy, a daddy, an October for you, and a February for Lucy.  Because of you, we were able to feel this joy we have for your sister.  I did get sad a couple of times at my shower, opening a ton of pink stuff, when I thought...last year, I should have been opening blue- but I never got that far. 
I only felt sad for a minute though, because I realize that its only because of you that I have Lucy.  Its because of you that I get to feel this great joy.  Its because of you that I already feel like a mommy, and its because of you that I feel like we are both protected.  I have an angel up there who stands in the presence of our Lord!   You know my prayers before I even get to say them, and you know my heart, since you were close to it for so long.  Someone who knows my heart is there in Heaven close to God...what a powerful feeling that is.
     I love you, sweet angel baby. 
                                  Love, Mommy


    

33 Weeks

I thought it would take forever to hit the 30 something week mark!  Now it seems like time won't slow down and Lucy will be here before I know it....and I am panicky.  Excited, but panicky.

How far along:33 weeks :-)  At my growth scan last week they said she was measuring almost 2 weeks ahead though, and she is just about 5 pounds already!  Holy Moly! 

Best Moment This Week:
We passed Christmas and it was so nice having everyone get together, on both my side and Josh's side.  Everyone keeps talking about how different next year is going to be, with a 10 month old at Christmas.  I got to do a lot of daydreaming about that, so that was nice.  I also am on Christmas break from school, and now that I have to have weekly Non-Stress Tests due to high blood pressure, my blood pressure has been the lowest its ever been since 14 weeks.  Maybe my crazy job has something to do with it. 

Cravings/Aversions:
This is a hard one, because Lucy is so big now that she literally squishes my insides.  I have to eat in very small increments or I feel so awful.  I am Christmas cookied out...and I haven't really enjoyed sweets this holiday season as much as I usually do.  I ate a veggie pizza the other day that was to die for...and I have been enjoying salad with Italian dressing...but eating is usually painful now! 

What I miss:
Hmm...sleeping normally.  And not having to go to the doctor so much!  I go once a week now to see the doctor and have a Non-Stress Test.  I feel like I live there! lol.  I can't get comfortable at night so I flop around a lot, I keep my poor husband awake.  But...this is all worth it. I don't sleep very well because on one of my NSTs, I was laying on my side and Lucy was on her cord, I saw her heart rate drop very suddenly on the monitor and I got very scared...so now I wake up multiple times when I realize I am on my sides....


What I'm looking forward to:
Maternity leave!  lol.  My showers are  also January 9th and 16th, so I am really looking forward to those, and I really want time to get organized and ready for LuLu.   I need to practice installing the car seat.  We also signed up for birthing classes, so I am kinda excited about those, and I am looking into a breastfeeding course.  I am just looking forward to being a mommy!

Emotions:
Well, I am a heck of a lot more anxious lately.  I am tired a lot...crabby due to lack of sleep.  If anything, I just keep getting more and more excited.  I was a bit sad this Christmas, so many people were telling me that next year will be so different, playing Santa and all of that, and I couldn't help thinking of my precious Gabriel, and how I should have been doing that stuff already.  It made me feel robbed all over again. 

Weekly Wisdom:
I am not wisdomatic this week.  I am on holiday break, so I turned my brain off on purpose, lol!

Anything Else to Share:
I finally went out to the cemetery for baby Gabe.  We left him a stuffed elephant.  We didn't stay long, but it felt wonderful going.  I never thought I would have to go to a cemetery to visit one of my children.  It is still so surreal sometimes.  I feel like I am healing though, and with Lucy coming, I do want to strengthen my relationship with God....I don't want to be so mad at Him sometimes, especially since I have been finally blessed with Lucy.  I am working on it. 

28 weeks...is it February yet????

How far along:

28 weeks :-)  Officially in my 3rd trimester!

Best Moment This Week:
I guess since today is Sunday, I can reflect on last week here...
I had a couple GREAT moments this week. 
1) We registered for baby Lucy.  I was so excited to get up that day, get coffee with my husband, and just spend the day looking at stuff that we wanted for our little LuLu.  We went on Wednesday, which was my first day of Thanksgiving Furlough, so I had no school to think about...just thoughts of our daughter and I have to admit, I was excited to just be spending the day with Josh...after almost 11 years together, I get giddy at the thought of being alone with him on any sort of date.  I think the registering went well, we decided to only register at BabiesRus, with the idea that people can look and see what we want and then they are free to shop around wherever they choose.  In true teacher fashion, I researched and made lists of things that I wanted and that I thought were "must-haves," but when we started out in the breast pump/infant care section, I will admit that I was overwhelmed.  Refer to my "Emotions" sections for my anxieties! At one point, a really nice lady came up to me and said that I should go and get something to eat, then come back.  She said that when she registered, she started crying in the middle and had to come back.  Now, I hope I didn't look like I was going to burst into tears, but it was for sure, more overwhelming than I thought it would be.  But overall, I was just thankful to be there, 28 weeks pregnant, feeling my daughter kick and squirm, picking out things especially for her.
2) My second best moment of the week was yesterday at the movies.  My husband and I went out to see a movie and as we sat down, an older couple, probably a bit older than our parents' age, were sitting a few seats down.  When the movie started, Josh leaned into me and squeezed my arm.  He said, "that's us in 50 years, Meg."  I asked him what made him say that, and he said, "Because that man just told his wife, 'I am so happy to be here with you' and I know I will be saying the same thing to you at the movies in 50 years."
It was just a sweet thing for Josh to observe and say.  I do love him so much. 

Cravings/Aversions:I am craving anything with marinara sauce- so pasta, pizza, breads that I can dip into it, anything. 

What I miss:Pajamas that fit.  I outgrew a lot of my pjs, so I have been wearing my husbands, and then I feel frumpy.  Yesterday after the movie I made him take me to the maternity store so that I could buy some maternity pjs.  I finally was comfortable lounging around the house last night! 

What I'm looking forward to:This week, I am looking forward to getting some addresses together and to start doing some shower planning with my mom.  With the holidays upon us, I know that shower time will be here very quickly!  I just want to plan something really relaxed, and have a good time with family and friends.  I am also looking forward to a coffee date with my friend Corey on Thursday-just to catch up for one, and for two, she is planning on being LuLu's nanny so I can't wait to start talking plans!

Emotions:I am feeling anxious about a few things...specifically, car seats, strollers, and breast pumps.  How in the world do you operate those contraptions?  At BabiesRus, I tried playing with a stroller, and I thought I broke the darn thing.  Then, when I saw the car seat I wanted, I couldn't figure out how to make it fit into the stroller that it apparently went with.  Finally, I had to find an employee, who did it in 2.5 seconds and then said, "see, its really easy."  WHAT?  I couldn't recreate the folding, propping, and hooking. 
Fast forward to putting my niece's car seat into my car this weekend.  I had to have my sister hook it in, and then my dad check it out, because I didn't know if the darn thing was stable.  With all the straps, hooks, and clips, how in the world do these things fit into a car?  I don't even have a heated garage to practice in, so I am getting more nervous about car seats too.
And finally, breast pumps.  The aisle at the baby store had a million parts for them- milk bags, storage units, nipple pads, plastic nipple things that looked scary, and all sorts of other contraptions that go with the pumps.  Look, at this point, the only accessory my boobs are used to is a bra....so to go from just a bra to millions of parts that will apparently hang off my nipples is freaky-deaky to me.  I am still getting used to the idea that Lucy will be benefiting from them and that my sex life will be on the decline the entire time, as Josh observes the real reasons my boobs exist- not for him, but for babies. 

Weekly Wisdom:
Kids cost money.  I didn't really realize that until we registered and when I went today to purchase more nursery furniture that was on sale.  Holy Moly, I need a raise!

Anything Else to Share:A dear friend of mine emailed me and got me thinking.  She asked if expecting Lucy made the ache for Gabriel a little less noticeable.  It really got me thinking.

Sometimes, I get so excited and thankful for Lucy, that I can go days without thinking of him.  I guess on those days, the ache doesn't hurt me as much.  But then, there are other days.  Last Monday a particular song came on the radio that reminded me of Gabe, and I just started bawling in my car.  It didn't matter that Lucy was kicking me the entire time, my baby boy wasn't there with me.  Another time, I had this need to just go out to the cemetery and see his resting spot...and the urge came out of nowhere.  I plan to go see his spot next weekend.  So I guess the answer to the question is yes and no.  It really does depend on the moment I am living.  I get so inspired by people who carved pumpkins and made stockings with their angel's names on them, and I think to myself, should I be doing this for Gabriel?  I wish I could, but I think the hurt is still bad enough that I can't bring myself to do it.  If his stuff wasn't in the closet, if his name was all over the place with no body, I think I would ache more, not less.   I do ultimately want to ache less...celebrate the angel watching over me, and not grieve my loss.  There are some moments like the moment in the car last Monday, where it felt like he was taken from me that day.  Some wounds just never heal completely, no matter how hard Lucy kicks. 

26 weeks

How Far Along:

26 weeks :-)

Best Moment This Week:
Aurora stayed with me this weekend.  Aurora is my 4 year old niece.  She and I played Barbies and baked cookies, and played games.  The whole time I was enjoying her I kept thinking, I will get to do this with Lucy!
Cravings/Aversions:
I placed the pasta on the back burner this past grocery shopping trip in order to be more healthy.  So instead I baked a cauliflower/broccoli casserole and then...smothered it with cheese.  So..I am still working on the healthy thing.  I do crave more veggies and salad. 
What I miss:
Pet Supplies Plus, my old retail job.  I never thought I would say that, but the stress at work keeps getting to me.  I love being a teacher, but working where I work is taking its toll.  I had to take a sick day a week or so ago because I just couldn't face any more stress that the administration keeps laying on.  I get panic attacky when I think about that place, and if I actually lived in an area that valued the work that GOOD teachers do, then maybe I would have options.  But unfortunately, my profession isn't that valued in these economic times and I feel stuck.  I miss being able to work a 9-5 and be home...stress free.  God Bless America's teachers. 
What I'm looking forward to:
This week, to destress, I am leaving at my contracted time, 3:30.  To know me is to know that I work til 5:30 and I barely take work home after that, except for on weekends.  But being in that place is killing me.  So I am going to work from home and see if I enjoy the job better this week.  I love my kids, but the admin is too much..so I am hoping working for my kids in my comfy sweats at home after school will bring them a happier teacher!
Emotions:
I am getting excited just thinking about Lucy and what she will look like.  I am sad because I thought I could take 9 weeks off of work and it looks like they are going to hold me to the strict 6 week rule.  I am panicking about money a little...
Weekly Wisdom:
Family is the greatest.  I really love my family and cling to them for everything.  I had a great time being with family this weekend and I don't want to take any of that time for granted.  I am really lucky to have what I have.
Anything Else to Share:
Sometimes I wish I didn't have a male doctor.  I was really embarrassed of these stretch marks when he lifted my shirt at my appointment this week.  I know, they have seen it all, but still....

My Weekly Update -Hope I am not too boring!

How Far Along:

23 weeks :-) (or 24 if you go by Lucy's last measurements..but I am going by my original due date.) 

Best Moment This Week:
Thursday was fall Open House for our school and it was a meet the parents night.  I had some students come in and introduce me to their parents.  When they introduced me, they would point at my stomach and say "and that is Lucy."  It was great to hear!  Sometimes my students are pretty cool. 

Cravings/Aversions:
Same.  I went to the Spaghetti Warehouse this week for some good old fashioned spaghetti and meatballs.  yummmmmmmmmo.  This week I am trying new things with my spaghetti, like chili mac one night this week.  Same noodles, just different sauces...lol. 
What I miss:
Not to get too personal, but I miss my husband!  Now that Lucy is moving a lot, I have become an official mommy to him.  Get my drift?  haha.  I guess its hard to be romantic with the baby permanently in the room right now...lol.
What I'm looking forward to:
After work this week, all I keep thinking about is maternity leave :-)  I actually am getting really excited about November coming, because that means the holidays are upon us, and I love holiday season.  Josh has also been getting Friday nights off lately so we have actually been having date night.  This past Friday was his pick so we went to a hockey game- this week is my pick, and I am not sure yet what I want to do.  Maybe coffee and the bookstore- kinda cozy. 
Emotions:
I am not jealous or an attention diva...but I have been getting mad when the conversation turns to others when I am talking about Lucy.  I just want those moments to be mine and hers alone. 
Weekly Wisdom:
Avoid stress.  Stress equals extreme heartburn.  Buy antacids.  I never have them in the house and boy, I have needed them lately.

Anything Else to Share:
In my fight to battle the purple stretchmark epidemic, I succomed to finally pouring foundation all over my belly in hopes it would make me look more attractive...(see What I Miss.....) What happened?  Well, nothing in that department for sure, and I just had clothes that seem to be permanently stained nude.  Hmmm...the battle continues.