Butterflies All the Way Around

This week was my first week off of school for the summer, and my first week off with Lucy.  I always freak out about summers off, only because I am such a workaholic that I worry that the same ol' routine won't satisfy me.  I can't just lay around and be lazy.  I feel like I have to constantly work to achieve goals, whether that be cleaning my house, planning for that BCSN's Teacher of the Year Award (why the heck won't my kids get on the ball and nominate me?? Darn it, I wish I could nominate myself, haha), or getting the most out of time with Lucy- I am a planner.  Lucy is so smart, and although I would like to take most of the credit, and I do in public, I do attribute it a lot to her educational daycare.  So...in the absence of daycare, my goal with Lucy is to keep educating her with themed weeks.

This week we conquered butterflies and ladybugs.

Successes: symmetrical butterfly crafts, and fingerprint lady bugs. We also colored a lot of bugs and we read the fun facts.  I also think that having a very regimented schedule helped.  We walk every morning at 10 at "the forest" as Lucy says (by the way, the Tickle Monster hides in the forest, so we are quiet when we walk in particular areas) and then we come home after Lucy is done swinging at the playground.  At home, we do our learning activity/craft, have outside play time in the water, go eat lunch, watch one Disney Junior program, NAP, wake up, snack, Free play or one more show, then DADDY IS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Failures: my being a poor and non creative craftswoman.  Our fingerprint ladybugs did not turn out how I would have liked because I had to keep turning my back to check Pinterest on my phone to see if I was doing the craft right, and then Lucy would go hog wild in the paint.  Messy all the way around.  Oh, and another failure would be comparing Lucy's art to Pinterest.  Toddlers aren't making half the stuff people are saying they are.  Just sayin.'  But, with that said, there are some very crafty moms out there, and I am jealous of you.

Now on my other thoughts this week:

Potty training is my HELL.  How do you even teach a child the urge to go?  And now she insists on M and M's just for sitting there....and since I gave in a few times, I guess that is my fault.  I even tried tickling her on the toilet on purpose so that she would go, and then she did, and now when we sit her on the potty, she has to make a game.  "GET OUT PEE PEE!!" she yells, which is cute, but that is what I said when I tickled her, so now she waits to be tickled.  AHHHHH!!!

Lucy watched fireworks last night at her Aunt and Uncle's for Summerfest.  To say she was adorable was an understatement.  "SO beautiful" she would say.  "From outer space!"  As I watched her, I knew that God gave me the sweetest little girl on the planet.  I knew I wanted to experience that moment a million times over.  Its not like she was doing anything spectacular, she was just oohing and aaaahing over fireworks.  But it was the most beautiful thing I have experienced in a while- watching my daughter experience something new.  I know that I said before that I am not ready for baby #2, and to be honest, I am not.   I am still scared out of my mind.  But watching Lucy gave me butterflies and confirmation that being a mommy is the best job.  It is worth the scary parts.

See you next week, it will be PRINCESS week at the Koz house!

Meg

Lulu's Last day of School!

I wrapped up school on Wednesday of this week, and then Lucy finishes today.  We decided to keep her in school (educational daycare) until today so that she can bring in party stuff and say a proper goodbye to her teachers and friends.

She brought in cupcakes, which are her favorite treats at the moment, and a nice Mickey Mouse card for her teachers. 

I love her daycare.  I love it a teeeeeeny bit less than I did at the beginning of the year, because of a few staff switches and Lucy's favorite teachers put in their notices.  That was hard for me both as a teacher and a parent, and it made me wonder if my parents (of my high schoolers, that is) feel the same.  What if I left?  Would the parents be just as heartbroken? 

When Ms. J and Ms. S left Lulu's daycare, I was devastated.  Lucy talked about them, loved on them, and learned so much from them.  When I found out that Ms. H was taking over, and she was about the age of my graduating seniors, I was upset.  I wanted experienced "mommy" teachers with my girl all day. 

That made me think, do parents care what teachers their children have, even as high schoolers?  I love my academy, and as of right now, wouldn't dream of leaving, but if I did want to make a professional change, I know that I would be passed up on interviews due to my experience.  Right now, the trend in education is "hire the cheapest" educator possible.  More experience means more expensive, and although the young pups coming out of college may seem like a great choice because they are eager and cheaper,  I feel like schools are going to suffer because of that decision to disregard experience.  I am a better teacher for the years I had to sub, because I had to learn a multitude of different classroom management styles and build the self-confidence to run my own classroom.  That was achieved by subbing for 2 years.  I think that should be mandatory upon leaving college.

But back to my main point, I like Ms. H just fine...but boy, she isn't nearly as "good" to my Lulu as Ms. J and Ms. S.  I hope by next year, I see a change, or Lulu and I will be switching facilities.  That will always be the price Lucy pays for having an educator as a mother.....she will never have to settle for anything less than what I believe she should be provided.  

As far as today goes, Josh took the day off and we will be house hunting, since we may be expanding our family in the near future, so it is time to get the ball rolling.  I will also start meal planning and activity planning for Lucy's summer off with me.  I am on the search for toddler activity blogs!!

Have a great weekend, everyone.  As I have noticed in a lot of my posts, my tone has been changing...I used to be pretty good at interjecting personality (my humor and sarcastic self, haha).  I hope to get back to the more authentic voice.  Writing is a way that I feel connected to myself....if that makes any sense.  I have changed the course of this blog many times, because I have a variety of things to say.  It started out with a therapeutic way to survive the loss of Gabriel, and then I wanted it to be a journal for Lucy (I tried handwritten journals like I did back in the day, but technology kept calling my name!) and now, I feel a calling to just, well....to write.  Whether it be about toddler activities, my climb up the professional ladder,  education as a whole, or my handicapped dog, I just want to write, plain and simple. 

I hope you enjoy following along. 

Best,
Megan

The End is Near!

The end is near!  The end of the school year that is!

I have been working a bunch more than I usually do.  This year, I was in charge of prom, the year-long Senior Project, Senior Advisor, newspaper, yearbook, and all teacher professional development.  It was a lot to take on, and I was so glad to do it.  This year has been the most rewarding years of my career, and I feel like I am truly the teacher I dreamt I would be.

Since I had been so busy, that meant a lot of late nights at school.  I didn't really think it was affecting Lulu that much since she is with her daddy or grandparents, but when I spent Memorial Day with her, it became apparent how my absence has irritated her.  Some call it terrible twos, but I know when my daughter is just being ornery versus wanting her mommy's attention.

The hitting and the kicking was the worst.  She spent the majority of Memorial Day in time-out.  I also think she has been getting time-outs at school, because she is bragging about them.  "Mommy, I get time-out...not listening," she says.  Yep. Sounds like Lulu alright. 

Tonight, with the first day of exams underway, I miraculously didn't have any school work to do tonight, so I spent the entire evening with my girl.  She and I played flashcards, read books, ate a snack....She loves certain books, so much so that she reads to me because she has them memorized. The book she is obsessed with now is called "Ten Little Ladybugs" and although Josh and I think the book is a bit morbid (I swear that all 10 ladybugs die....) Lucy loves counting down from ten to one.  One line reads, "three little ladybugs drinking up the dew..." and she laughs hysterically.  It is something about that word, dew, that makes her laugh.  So then I was laughing.  And she kept laughing.  After reading it about 3 more times, it was all snuggles and cuddles on the couch, kisses and huggies, and I knew that I was the luckiest mom in the world.

I can't wait to give her all my attention.  Maybe next year I will find the balance between my kiddo and my other kiddos.  I just refuse to stop being involved at school.  Those are my kids too, and I want to raise Lucy to understand the importance of good adult role models and what a difference they can make for teenagers.   I know a lot of people can leave work at work, but I can 't.  Just like I can't stop thinking about my Lucy while I am at school, I can't stop thinking about my classes at home. 

I hope my students make good choices over the summer.   I do worry about some of them, especially since I won't be around this summer to "hold their hands"...I will be too busy holding the hand of my little girl, and LOVING every moment!!

Kick off to summer 2013!!!

Baby #2?

Before I go on with my new post, I want to thank you for the comments on my last pity-party post.  What kind words of encouragement you all gave me :-) 

Today I broke down a bit.  My boss says that I have a soul of steel and she is right...I never get emotional that often.  I get emotional when I am frustrated, or scared...and even as a high school teacher, I am not frustrated too often.  I was pretty numb when I lost Gabriel, and even then, I only really cried in private...and when I wrote these posts.

My high schoolers are graduating.  Some of them have been my English students since the 8th grade.  It really points out how old I feel like I am becoming.  And although I am not really old (almost 31, or as I say to my students, "29 heavy"), knowing that 5 years ago I got hired at a small community school, was assigned an 8th grade class, and now I get to watch them graduate, makes me see time and how it has elapsed.  I saw my seniors literally grow up. 

5 years ago, I was hired.  That is all it took for Josh and I to start talking about having kids.  We just wanted me hired in my field of study.  And once I was...the idea of Gabriel was conceived, and soon enough, he was.

We all know how that turned out.

And beautiful little Lucy- who is turning out to be quite the terrible twoster, may I add, turned out perfect. 

And now, we are talking about Baby 2. 

It is amazing how my feelings about babies and pregnancy have changed.  Once upon a time, I couldn't fathom the thought of not being pregnant.  Now I struggle with feelings of being scared to be. Josh talks and talks, but to be honest, I don't even want to try. 

Life is good.  Life is sooooo good.  Beautiful todder, who is smart...my God, is she smart.

My job may not be my dream job monetarily speaking, but wow, am I serving my purpose.  I have always wanted to make a difference for high school kids.  And I know that I do.  Thinking of my seniors leaving...I feel like I am having separation anxiety, because it has been them and me for 5 years.  Granted, I have other classes, but they were mine first.  They pulled me through that time when I wanted to give up.  They needed me too.

My marriage is better than ever, and I see so many parents of two or more struggle.

But everything I just said is just a list of excuses.  The fact of the matter is, I am scared.  Now that we are actually talking about trying again, I am scared.  I don't want the high risk appointments, the constant blood draws, the ultrasounds....most people relish that they have ultrasounds, not me...I know that they are just checking to see if my baby has a defect or is even alive at all.

It's just scary.  It is scary that Josh wants to try again....like soon. 

So I broke down today...because with prepping for graduation and the LOADS of work I am doing, I don't want my summer to get here.  Because I am scared to try. 

I miss writing

Sometimes, its hard to write because I don't even know if anyone reads this.  However, do I really need an audience? 

This started out as a miscarriage blog, and it was so therapeutic.  I actually did my best writing in a long time. 

Then, I thought I would shift gears and turn it into a Mommy blog.  But there is so much more to me than that....(even though its the best part of me...)

Now, I just want to write.  Is there an audience out there for writing about....anything?

I do a lot of TV watching.  It is so depressing.  I used to be a writer.  I used to be a reader.  Now I am a reality TV show junkie.  I also am starting to live on my I-Phone.  As a mom, this isn't the type of parent I want to be.  As a human being, it is for sure not who I want to be.

So, I hope there is an audience out there for me.  I am even getting ideas for a small book/story I want to write.  I used to do that stuff all the time.  Maybe I will write some stuff here.  Why not?  It is my blog after all.  If no one reads it, then no one reads it.

Will you read my blog? 

My favorite photo of the summer

Well, summer is officially over for me, since I have started back in my classroom. Lucy grew up so much this summer, and although I didn't post as much as I would have liked, my heart was so full of everything I wanted to say.

I feel like with each school year, comes a year of renewal of goals. The new school year is like my New Years. It is my chance to handle everything with grace and do the best I can do.

I feel like since my summer is over, and with Labor Day weekend upon us, I should post an "end of the summer" picture.

I chose one to honor Gabriel, who has been on my mind these days.

When I was pregnant with Gabriel, my sister bought me a bunch of blue elephant stuff, and she gave it to me when I found out I was pregnant with Lucy. She didn't know how to give it to me back then, as we didn't know if Gabriel was going to be full term or not. Anyway, since a lot of it was blue, I never got it out for Lucy.

One day, Lucy and I were playing with stuffed animals and in the pile was the blue elephant that was for Gabriel. Instantaneously, Lucy gravitated towards it. She had a pink "lovie" named Ellie Nellie, but Ellie seemed insignificant at that moment....and apparently, Ellie is only good enough for bedtime. For every other occasion, she wants the blue elephant, who we all have named "Gus." We wanted to keep a G name, and its easy for her to say. She doesn't want to go anywhere without Gus. She asks for Gus constantly...especially when she gets hurt or needs comfort. Gus is her best friend...besides Mommy of course.

Josh and I like to think that she senses something. Gus keeps her safe...just like her big brother. After all, Gus was meant for Gabe.

It just warms my heart, that's all...an I think its the perfect picture to end the summer season of blogs. 

Lucy with Gus.

Well...in the absence of blogs...there were activities.

Even though many, mainly my mother, can laugh that I set myself up for failure by planning a blog per day, I can say, that I did not fail in spending quality action packed time with my lovely daughter.  Life got away from me this summer.  Which means, it has been a good summer.

Here are some pics of what Lulu and I have done together. 

We went to the mall with our purses....

We played with Mrs. Potato Head

We painted our toes, however, ONE of us squirmed more than the other...

We went to the lake...

Where we played in the sand...

...and swam with cousins

Lucy had coffee with Grammy

and played ball in her chair....

She has taken several walks with her best friend, Darren

Played with her bubble mower and bowling pins

Swam with Aunt Mandy

Had ice cream with her best dog

And we even saw elephants at the zoo. 

We only have until August 12th before Mommy goes back to work.

I'll try to fit a blog in before that  ;-)

Meg