Baby #2?

Before I go on with my new post, I want to thank you for the comments on my last pity-party post.  What kind words of encouragement you all gave me :-) 

Today I broke down a bit.  My boss says that I have a soul of steel and she is right...I never get emotional that often.  I get emotional when I am frustrated, or scared...and even as a high school teacher, I am not frustrated too often.  I was pretty numb when I lost Gabriel, and even then, I only really cried in private...and when I wrote these posts.

My high schoolers are graduating.  Some of them have been my English students since the 8th grade.  It really points out how old I feel like I am becoming.  And although I am not really old (almost 31, or as I say to my students, "29 heavy"), knowing that 5 years ago I got hired at a small community school, was assigned an 8th grade class, and now I get to watch them graduate, makes me see time and how it has elapsed.  I saw my seniors literally grow up. 

5 years ago, I was hired.  That is all it took for Josh and I to start talking about having kids.  We just wanted me hired in my field of study.  And once I was...the idea of Gabriel was conceived, and soon enough, he was.

We all know how that turned out.

And beautiful little Lucy- who is turning out to be quite the terrible twoster, may I add, turned out perfect. 

And now, we are talking about Baby 2. 

It is amazing how my feelings about babies and pregnancy have changed.  Once upon a time, I couldn't fathom the thought of not being pregnant.  Now I struggle with feelings of being scared to be. Josh talks and talks, but to be honest, I don't even want to try. 

Life is good.  Life is sooooo good.  Beautiful todder, who is smart...my God, is she smart.

My job may not be my dream job monetarily speaking, but wow, am I serving my purpose.  I have always wanted to make a difference for high school kids.  And I know that I do.  Thinking of my seniors leaving...I feel like I am having separation anxiety, because it has been them and me for 5 years.  Granted, I have other classes, but they were mine first.  They pulled me through that time when I wanted to give up.  They needed me too.

My marriage is better than ever, and I see so many parents of two or more struggle.

But everything I just said is just a list of excuses.  The fact of the matter is, I am scared.  Now that we are actually talking about trying again, I am scared.  I don't want the high risk appointments, the constant blood draws, the ultrasounds....most people relish that they have ultrasounds, not me...I know that they are just checking to see if my baby has a defect or is even alive at all.

It's just scary.  It is scary that Josh wants to try again....like soon. 

So I broke down today...because with prepping for graduation and the LOADS of work I am doing, I don't want my summer to get here.  Because I am scared to try. 

I miss writing

Sometimes, its hard to write because I don't even know if anyone reads this.  However, do I really need an audience? 

This started out as a miscarriage blog, and it was so therapeutic.  I actually did my best writing in a long time. 

Then, I thought I would shift gears and turn it into a Mommy blog.  But there is so much more to me than that....(even though its the best part of me...)

Now, I just want to write.  Is there an audience out there for writing about....anything?

I do a lot of TV watching.  It is so depressing.  I used to be a writer.  I used to be a reader.  Now I am a reality TV show junkie.  I also am starting to live on my I-Phone.  As a mom, this isn't the type of parent I want to be.  As a human being, it is for sure not who I want to be.

So, I hope there is an audience out there for me.  I am even getting ideas for a small book/story I want to write.  I used to do that stuff all the time.  Maybe I will write some stuff here.  Why not?  It is my blog after all.  If no one reads it, then no one reads it.

Will you read my blog? 

My favorite photo of the summer

Well, summer is officially over for me, since I have started back in my classroom. Lucy grew up so much this summer, and although I didn't post as much as I would have liked, my heart was so full of everything I wanted to say.

I feel like with each school year, comes a year of renewal of goals. The new school year is like my New Years. It is my chance to handle everything with grace and do the best I can do.

I feel like since my summer is over, and with Labor Day weekend upon us, I should post an "end of the summer" picture.

I chose one to honor Gabriel, who has been on my mind these days.

When I was pregnant with Gabriel, my sister bought me a bunch of blue elephant stuff, and she gave it to me when I found out I was pregnant with Lucy. She didn't know how to give it to me back then, as we didn't know if Gabriel was going to be full term or not. Anyway, since a lot of it was blue, I never got it out for Lucy.

One day, Lucy and I were playing with stuffed animals and in the pile was the blue elephant that was for Gabriel. Instantaneously, Lucy gravitated towards it. She had a pink "lovie" named Ellie Nellie, but Ellie seemed insignificant at that moment....and apparently, Ellie is only good enough for bedtime. For every other occasion, she wants the blue elephant, who we all have named "Gus." We wanted to keep a G name, and its easy for her to say. She doesn't want to go anywhere without Gus. She asks for Gus constantly...especially when she gets hurt or needs comfort. Gus is her best friend...besides Mommy of course.

Josh and I like to think that she senses something. Gus keeps her safe...just like her big brother. After all, Gus was meant for Gabe.

It just warms my heart, that's all...an I think its the perfect picture to end the summer season of blogs. 

Lucy with Gus.

Well...in the absence of blogs...there were activities.

Even though many, mainly my mother, can laugh that I set myself up for failure by planning a blog per day, I can say, that I did not fail in spending quality action packed time with my lovely daughter.  Life got away from me this summer.  Which means, it has been a good summer.

Here are some pics of what Lulu and I have done together. 

We went to the mall with our purses....

We played with Mrs. Potato Head

We painted our toes, however, ONE of us squirmed more than the other...

We went to the lake...

Where we played in the sand...

...and swam with cousins

Lucy had coffee with Grammy

and played ball in her chair....

She has taken several walks with her best friend, Darren

Played with her bubble mower and bowling pins

Swam with Aunt Mandy

Had ice cream with her best dog

And we even saw elephants at the zoo. 

We only have until August 12th before Mommy goes back to work.

I'll try to fit a blog in before that  ;-)

Meg

Activities: Day Two and Day Three!

Unfortunately, due to lack of batteries, I don't have any morning shots! 

However, our AM Activity was another walk at the park with our friend Denise.  We love walking so much that you may see a repeat of that activity!

Lunch: Applesauce and Spinach Ravioli.  She looks so serious, doesn't she?

After her nap, my Lulu tends to wake up a little cranky.  So Mommy has a snack ready to go, and she is allowed to watch one episode of Little Einsteins. 

Our PM Activity today (Day Two) was puzzle-mania.  We invited Patty and Darren over again to partake.  Lucy actually did very well on her puzzles, she understood that the pieces had to go somewhere (besides her mouth, that is!)

  DAY THREE

Morning Breakfast: Mommy made Chocolate Chip Muffins! Yum!

AM ACTIVITY: Walk with Patty and Darren around our own neighborhood.

She was very good the entire time.  Talked up a storm.

Lunch Day Three: Cheesy Cauliflower and Peaches.  She ate the whole plate.  So hungry!

Snack: Grapes and Turkey
PM ACTIVITY: Finger painting!

We bought her an art smock and she was excited.

She loved the feel of the paint between her fingers.

We did four paintings total.  She loved smacking her hands on the paper, and she would ask for the colors by pointing.  I swear she tried to say the word "yellow" when I asked her if that was the color she wanted.

After, because she was so messy and it was so hot out, we hosed off outside and had some pool time!

What a great Friday.  We will see you all back with an update on Monday!

Love, Meg and Lucy





Momma May Be On Summer Break, but I am still Planning!

Introduction to my summer project: Lulu's Activity-Filled Summer! 

I have not been updating as much, because school has kicked me in the dupa and left me exhausted.  Now, however, I am on summer break, and get to be a stay-at-home mom for 2 whole months.  As ecstatic as I am, it also scared the begeezees out of me.  Daycare had Lucy so structured.  She was always so involved with play and activities.  I immediately thought, Wow.  Lucy is going to be so bored with me.

So...with that terrifying thought, I began my summer project.  Lucy and I are going to have a fun-filled summer.  Not only am I scheduling events and activities, but I am planning healthy meal options and also, projects for myself during nap times.  It will be a structured summer, but a good one, and thought that my blog was the perfect place to document it.  This blog of course is dedicated to my children, in loving memory of my son, Gabriel.  I will be creating another blog, an edublog, to document school stuff and of course use as my web page/blog for my classes in the 2012-2013 school year.  I am excited to take my blogging to a new level, and will seriously be making the commitment to updating daily. 

So, here it is.  Activity Day 1!!

Lesson Planning isn't hard for me, for high schoolers anyway.  I actually get a kick out of planning their 180 school days.  But with Lucy, it is a whole new ball game.  She has only a 20 second attention span, and needs constant attention right now.  She doesn't really free-play, she wants something more involved.  My plan: have free play until breakfast, then have a morning activity, then lunch, free play, and nap.  After nap, have a lengthy PM activity, with a snack somewhere in there, and then dinner by 6:30.  I think that sounds pretty structured, and hopefully I can come up with some fresh ideas too.  If any reader out there has any suggestions, please comment! 


Here is my calendar that I made for this week.  It started on Tuesday, because we were in Las Vegas until Monday afternoon.

I am trying to schedule meals in advance, so it makes grocery shopping easier too.  If I don't know about dinner, I will fill in the blanks later, obviously.    The other stuff box is for Mommy, and today I added a checklist of items I wanted to get done during her nap time. 

Day 1/Activity 1 (AM): Walking at Wildwood Park

Since I was having a great time on the walk, I forgot to pull out my camera, but we got some shots in the car before leaving the park.  We invited my friend Patty with us and her son Darren, who is 13 months, and it was a great time.  We walked from 10 am to 11:15.  The kiddos snacked on goldfish and Patty and I got to have some adult convo time! 

Day 1- Lunch- Eggs, Cheese, and Grapes!  Yum!

Day 1/Activity 2: (PM): Outside Play: Water Table and Pool Time!
Snack: Chex Mix

Again, we invited Patty and Darren and had outdoor playtime with the new toys we bought.  The table said that it provided "hours of fun" and Darren and Lucy were pretty preoccupied from about 3pm to 5 pm! 

My little bear had a great day!  She only napped 45 minutes today, but was tuckered out by 9 pm!! 

I am so excited for tomorrow!  I know it is the first day in, but I loved today so much! 

Surprise

Surprise!  I haven't updated my blog (sarcasm implied).

Between Lucy, work, and work associated with work, I am crazy busy,  Today Lucy is at "school,"enjoying an Easter party, and I was going to work, but Surprise!  I cannot find the motivation.  I keep coming back to my computer, knowing I should work, but mad that I have to, considering I am on Spring Break.  So, Surprise!  I have been slacking, then Surprise!...beating myself up afterwards.  I just want a normal life....being off when I am off......

Because of work, and wanting a professional change, Josh and I have made a decision to not try for another baby until 2013.  Surprise!
This is a surprise to me...considering all that we went through with Gabriel, I thought that I would want to be pregnant as many times as God blessed me. 

But we aren't in a financial position right now to do that...and although we are on our way, I need another year of stability, of making money, of applying for jobs that will be better for my reproductive future.  And the surprise of it all, is that I am okay with that.  Lucy is so exhausting.  I love her sooooo much....and I am enjoying just being with her.  I am scared to add to my family...with a job I have now.  I can't handle literally one more thing on my plate.

And Surprise! , that decision, makes me sad.