Last Saturday, February 12th, I woke up and had my normal decaf coffee. Around 9 am, I felt what were like menstrual cramps. At first, I thought I was dehydrated, and that they would go away. Around 10:30 am, I told my husband that I thought I was having contractions because they were not subsiding. We started writing down times. By noon, they were still there, coming consistently between 7 minutes and 10 minutes apart. I was scared to call the doctor and sound like an idiot, in case these weren't real contractions.
For peace of mind, I wound up calling. The on-call doctor told me that unless they were 5-6 minutes apart and painful enough where I couldn't walk, talk, or breathe, then I should just stay home.
So I did...My husband and I went to Olive Garden, we played Scrabble, I talked to my little sis on the phone for an hour, I read a bit of my George W Bush memoir that I bought in November and haven't had the time to read, and I worked on thank-you notes from my shower. I would just pause when the contraction came, but they never got super painful like the doctor described.
Around 11:30, my husband and I went to bed and put Saturday Night Live on. I got another contraction, but this one was extremely painful. I turned over and told Josh that if I got another one like that in 5 minutes, we were going in. Next thing I knew, I felt a pop. It literally felt like something disconnected from my body. It scared me, so I moved off of the bed and got on my knees. "I think my water broke..." I said. Upon standing, it was confirmed, I was leaking all over the place.
My husband immediately got out of bed. "We are going to have a baby!" He exclaimed. He put on clothes, he grabbed my bag, he started the car...I on the other hand thought I had plenty of time. I put make up on, as I knew my pic would be taken, (lol) and I continued to clean up after myself, as I was leaking all over the place. Then I got a contraction that really hurt....this is the kind the doctor described.
We got into the car. The contractions came faster, about every 2 and a half minutes, and they hurt.
We got to the hospital at 12:30ish Sunday morning. I got all checked in. The contractions hurt so bad that I felt like I was one of those wussy women in the movies...I was wailing and begging for drugs. I got Nubane, but all that did was make me feel drunk, but I felt the contractions too. I wailed so loud that I got moved up the epidural list, as I was third in line that night! haha!
Once I got my epidural, they checked me and I was at 5 cm. I was told to get some sleep, that I wouldn't be a 10 until probably 9 am or so. However, when they checked me at 6 am, I was told I was ready to push.
It was 7 am before I actually started to push. I was told it could take a long time. And boy, it did! I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and then finally...I was told that I had "too tight" of muscles and I had to have an episiotomy. Scared out of my mind for that, I hit my epidural button 10 more times...haha.
After the procedure, I pushed really hard again, and was told to stop. At 9:56 am, February 13th, my baby, Lucy Ann was born. Josh was ecstatic, and cut the cord right away, as I listened for her cry. Once I heard her, and they set her on my stomach...the feeling overwhelmed me. I have her...I have my baby. I was looking at someone my husband and I made...The nurse put her on my chest and counted her fingers and toes with me...I told her "I waited so long for you...."
They took her to clean her and weigh her, and I got stitched up. I said a thank you to God, kissed my husband, and thought of my sweet baby Gabe...and couldn't believe I was actually experiencing a birth that was ending on a positive note. I have thought of Gabriel often, so often...wondering if he would have looked like his sister. I have thought about him more than I thought I would...and have gotten sad even though I feel so happy and blessed. I just wonder what life would have been like, if he were around too. The first song I hummed/sang to Lucy was Gabriel's song- the Dumbo song that plays on this blog. She loves it. It calms her right down. I know its her brother touching and warming her heart. I can't wait to watch Dumbo with her. I need to get it on DVD...well, I need to get it period :-).
I have been truly blessed, and have never, ever, been so in love. I can't stop kissing her...
Lucy Ann Kosakowski | Facebook
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Dear Gabriel,
Dear precious baby,
When your daddy named you, I was skeptical. We had a name picked for you as you know, and days after your body was born, I was beating myself up quite a bit about not officially giving that name to you, like I was hoarding it for some other baby. But then your daddy told me that you were not meant to have that name, and that your name will be Gabriel, as Gabriel was an angel who stood in the presence of God.
Your name literally means, "God is my strength." Gabriel the archangel was sent to announce the birth of John the Baptizer and announced to Mary that she would indeed have a son and to prepare for the birth of our lord Jesus Christ. Gabriel then became known as the one who looked after future births, and was sent by God to do so. After doing some research, I learned that in England, charms were sold of Gabriel to women as a comfort - that he was watching over them for fertility and safe childbirth.
I then fell in love with your name, as I knew you would one day, look over us. I knew it was you calming me down after my ectopic- where I lost another. I just remember waking up at home after surgery and just feeling peace- and I knew that was you, telling me that it would be okay, and I would soon have a precious baby here with me. You made me feel so certain. I knew you were directly delivering a message to me from God.
And now I sit, almost 38 weeks pregnant, knowing that I will have your baby sister here by the end of next week. Your daddy and I are so very excited. In her nursery, we have our "elephant family" displayed. Your aunt Casey got a family of ceramic elephants with all of our birthstones on them. There is a mommy, a daddy, an October for you, and a February for Lucy. Because of you, we were able to feel this joy we have for your sister. I did get sad a couple of times at my shower, opening a ton of pink stuff, when I thought...last year, I should have been opening blue- but I never got that far.
I only felt sad for a minute though, because I realize that its only because of you that I have Lucy. Its because of you that I get to feel this great joy. Its because of you that I already feel like a mommy, and its because of you that I feel like we are both protected. I have an angel up there who stands in the presence of our Lord! You know my prayers before I even get to say them, and you know my heart, since you were close to it for so long. Someone who knows my heart is there in Heaven close to God...what a powerful feeling that is.
I love you, sweet angel baby.
Love, Mommy
When your daddy named you, I was skeptical. We had a name picked for you as you know, and days after your body was born, I was beating myself up quite a bit about not officially giving that name to you, like I was hoarding it for some other baby. But then your daddy told me that you were not meant to have that name, and that your name will be Gabriel, as Gabriel was an angel who stood in the presence of God.
Your name literally means, "God is my strength." Gabriel the archangel was sent to announce the birth of John the Baptizer and announced to Mary that she would indeed have a son and to prepare for the birth of our lord Jesus Christ. Gabriel then became known as the one who looked after future births, and was sent by God to do so. After doing some research, I learned that in England, charms were sold of Gabriel to women as a comfort - that he was watching over them for fertility and safe childbirth.
I then fell in love with your name, as I knew you would one day, look over us. I knew it was you calming me down after my ectopic- where I lost another. I just remember waking up at home after surgery and just feeling peace- and I knew that was you, telling me that it would be okay, and I would soon have a precious baby here with me. You made me feel so certain. I knew you were directly delivering a message to me from God.
And now I sit, almost 38 weeks pregnant, knowing that I will have your baby sister here by the end of next week. Your daddy and I are so very excited. In her nursery, we have our "elephant family" displayed. Your aunt Casey got a family of ceramic elephants with all of our birthstones on them. There is a mommy, a daddy, an October for you, and a February for Lucy. Because of you, we were able to feel this joy we have for your sister. I did get sad a couple of times at my shower, opening a ton of pink stuff, when I thought...last year, I should have been opening blue- but I never got that far.
I only felt sad for a minute though, because I realize that its only because of you that I have Lucy. Its because of you that I get to feel this great joy. Its because of you that I already feel like a mommy, and its because of you that I feel like we are both protected. I have an angel up there who stands in the presence of our Lord! You know my prayers before I even get to say them, and you know my heart, since you were close to it for so long. Someone who knows my heart is there in Heaven close to God...what a powerful feeling that is.
I love you, sweet angel baby.
Love, Mommy
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