How Far Along:
23 weeks :-) (or 24 if you go by Lucy's last measurements..but I am going by my original due date.)
Best Moment This Week:
Thursday was fall Open House for our school and it was a meet the parents night. I had some students come in and introduce me to their parents. When they introduced me, they would point at my stomach and say "and that is Lucy." It was great to hear! Sometimes my students are pretty cool.
Cravings/Aversions:
Same. I went to the Spaghetti Warehouse this week for some good old fashioned spaghetti and meatballs. yummmmmmmmmo. This week I am trying new things with my spaghetti, like chili mac one night this week. Same noodles, just different sauces...lol.
What I miss:
Not to get too personal, but I miss my husband! Now that Lucy is moving a lot, I have become an official mommy to him. Get my drift? haha. I guess its hard to be romantic with the baby permanently in the room right now...lol.
What I'm looking forward to:
After work this week, all I keep thinking about is maternity leave :-) I actually am getting really excited about November coming, because that means the holidays are upon us, and I love holiday season. Josh has also been getting Friday nights off lately so we have actually been having date night. This past Friday was his pick so we went to a hockey game- this week is my pick, and I am not sure yet what I want to do. Maybe coffee and the bookstore- kinda cozy.
Emotions:
I am not jealous or an attention diva...but I have been getting mad when the conversation turns to others when I am talking about Lucy. I just want those moments to be mine and hers alone.
Weekly Wisdom:
Avoid stress. Stress equals extreme heartburn. Buy antacids. I never have them in the house and boy, I have needed them lately.
Anything Else to Share:
In my fight to battle the purple stretchmark epidemic, I succomed to finally pouring foundation all over my belly in hopes it would make me look more attractive...(see What I Miss.....) What happened? Well, nothing in that department for sure, and I just had clothes that seem to be permanently stained nude. Hmmm...the battle continues.
I lost my son, Gabriel, when I was almost 20 weeks pregnant. He had a rare abdominal cyst that stopped his tiny heart. I had to give birth to him on October 2, 2009. Because of him, I live my life completely different than I did before. I wanted to chronicle everything in my life...I am a writer once again...because of my sweet Gabriel.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
We have a Lucy!
How Far Along:
22 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
We found out the gender! We are having a little girl! Lucy Ann Kosakowski :-)
Cravings/Aversions:
Same..pasta, pasta, pasta. Oh, and McDonald's breakfast. I was really good this week though and snacked on a lot of carrots so that I didn't go overboard on pasta.
Gender:
Girl!
What I miss:
I actually want to really work out. I have been missing that, believe it or not.
What I'm looking forward to:
Putting the nursery together. I already cleaned out the room and have ordered her crib bedding set. It is so cute, pink elephants and flowers. Josh's dad was here this morning to look at the room and I think he is going to primer it this weekend so we can paint it the appropriate colors, pink and beige. Its fun to plan...I have never reached this stage before.
Emotions:
I am thrilled this week. I have been on cloud 9. I have a new outlook on a lot of things!
Weekly Wisdom:
Stop setting myself up for disappointment by not creating delusions of grandeur. Josh was wonderful when we found on the gender, but then I was picking at every little thing...like when we went shopping to buy Lucy a present and he really wasn't looking, just following me around, I got mad. Why wasn't he more into all this "Daddy's Little Girl," stuff? I harped on him and created a fight, and our night was ruined. I just need to back off and not romanticize how "things are supposed to go." And just let them be.
Anything Else to Share:
Well, I thanked God for a healthy girl. Not that I wouldn't have been ecstatic with a healthy boy, but a girl makes my experience with Gabriel so much more real. I know its real, but now, its for sure real that I have a daughter, and I had a son. I was worried that if the baby was a boy, with my due dates being so similar that people (and maybe even myself) would just trade my experience with Gabriel with the new baby boy- like I got what I had, only a year later. I don't know if I am making any sense here, but I hope you get the gist of what I mean. Instead, with Lucy, its undeniable that she is different, not only in gender but in experience. A girl makes Gabe's existence that much more of a reality. He is going to be a big brother!
22 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
We found out the gender! We are having a little girl! Lucy Ann Kosakowski :-)
Cravings/Aversions:
Same..pasta, pasta, pasta. Oh, and McDonald's breakfast. I was really good this week though and snacked on a lot of carrots so that I didn't go overboard on pasta.
Gender:
Girl!
What I miss:
I actually want to really work out. I have been missing that, believe it or not.
What I'm looking forward to:
Putting the nursery together. I already cleaned out the room and have ordered her crib bedding set. It is so cute, pink elephants and flowers. Josh's dad was here this morning to look at the room and I think he is going to primer it this weekend so we can paint it the appropriate colors, pink and beige. Its fun to plan...I have never reached this stage before.
Emotions:
I am thrilled this week. I have been on cloud 9. I have a new outlook on a lot of things!
Weekly Wisdom:
Stop setting myself up for disappointment by not creating delusions of grandeur. Josh was wonderful when we found on the gender, but then I was picking at every little thing...like when we went shopping to buy Lucy a present and he really wasn't looking, just following me around, I got mad. Why wasn't he more into all this "Daddy's Little Girl," stuff? I harped on him and created a fight, and our night was ruined. I just need to back off and not romanticize how "things are supposed to go." And just let them be.
Anything Else to Share:
Well, I thanked God for a healthy girl. Not that I wouldn't have been ecstatic with a healthy boy, but a girl makes my experience with Gabriel so much more real. I know its real, but now, its for sure real that I have a daughter, and I had a son. I was worried that if the baby was a boy, with my due dates being so similar that people (and maybe even myself) would just trade my experience with Gabriel with the new baby boy- like I got what I had, only a year later. I don't know if I am making any sense here, but I hope you get the gist of what I mean. Instead, with Lucy, its undeniable that she is different, not only in gender but in experience. A girl makes Gabe's existence that much more of a reality. He is going to be a big brother!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
A Walk to Remember
Yesterday was the annual Remembrance Walk in my area to honor those babies who are not with us. On a whim, I sent in Gabriel's name and asked my sister and mom to come along and just see what the walk was about.
Although it wasn't a "walk," more like a very short-round the bend to get to the ceremony site- type of walk, it was still nice. The ceremony made me cry at a couple of parts, and it caught me off guard. It was so nice to honor Gabriel. I do think about Gabriel every single day, but it was so nice to see his name in print in the program and just honor him. It was also comforting to look around and see so many people who have experienced what I had experienced. And a lot of them had new babies, so again, it gave me hope. It was like going to the funeral that I never had for my son.
Well, I hit 21 weeks! I promised myself that when I hit 20 weeks successfully, I would be a better mom to this baby and record things and take belly pictures. While surfing other blogs, Stephanie, who is Vayden's mommy, inspired me to record in a list form. I thought what she was doing on her blog was really neat, so I thought I would emulate. She is after all, the reason I blog. Stephanie continues to inspire me!
How Far Along:
21 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
I always have anxiety about baby movement, like I am not feeling something enough. I talked to Josh about it a lot this week, about becoming so paranoid that something is wrong. Well, both Saturday and this morning, alone in the quiet, baby was so active, kicking away. I think my baby is telling me, "slow down, Mom, and you would feel me more!"
Cravings/Aversions:
I want spaghetti all of the time. I could eat the noodles plain, with marinara or meatballs or meatsauce or pesto..I don't care, but all I want is spaghetti. In fact, talking about it makes me want it more. As far as aversions go, I still am not into Mexican as much, like with Gabriel I wanted Taco Bell all of the time, and with this little one, I haven't touched the stuff. I do enjoy a lot of chips and salsa though.
Gender:
We find out Tuesday! I have no idea! I can't wait!
What I miss:
This is easy. I had a stressful work week. This week I wanted margaritas and wine like no other! I had to settle for chocolate.
What I'm looking forward to:
This week, we find out if this baby is a Lucy or a Chet, so I am really excited to order my baby bedding, so that we can match up a paint sample and start really working on the nursery. Has anyone used Baby SuperMall online? I found some great deals on that web site..
Emotions:
I get pretty irratible still...and exhausted easily. I feel like a failure if I can't get enough accomplished, whereas when I wasn't pregnant I just accepted the fact that I wasn't superwoman..this week I wanted to be Superwoman...
Weekly Wisdom:
I have to take care of me first. I was working a lot of 14 hour days this week, and I was so tired and busy that I couldn't remember if I even had any water or took my folic acid. I have to take care of me, and quit work by 5..no matter what.
Anything Else to Share:
I am currently dealing with the dreaded purple stretchmark epidemic. I keep using lotion like crazy, but they are there...that really freaks me out, because it makes me feel yucky. I ordered some stuff from Avon in order to help me with this problem! :-)
Although it wasn't a "walk," more like a very short-round the bend to get to the ceremony site- type of walk, it was still nice. The ceremony made me cry at a couple of parts, and it caught me off guard. It was so nice to honor Gabriel. I do think about Gabriel every single day, but it was so nice to see his name in print in the program and just honor him. It was also comforting to look around and see so many people who have experienced what I had experienced. And a lot of them had new babies, so again, it gave me hope. It was like going to the funeral that I never had for my son.
Well, I hit 21 weeks! I promised myself that when I hit 20 weeks successfully, I would be a better mom to this baby and record things and take belly pictures. While surfing other blogs, Stephanie, who is Vayden's mommy, inspired me to record in a list form. I thought what she was doing on her blog was really neat, so I thought I would emulate. She is after all, the reason I blog. Stephanie continues to inspire me!
How Far Along:
21 weeks :-)
Best Moment This Week:
I always have anxiety about baby movement, like I am not feeling something enough. I talked to Josh about it a lot this week, about becoming so paranoid that something is wrong. Well, both Saturday and this morning, alone in the quiet, baby was so active, kicking away. I think my baby is telling me, "slow down, Mom, and you would feel me more!"
Cravings/Aversions:
I want spaghetti all of the time. I could eat the noodles plain, with marinara or meatballs or meatsauce or pesto..I don't care, but all I want is spaghetti. In fact, talking about it makes me want it more. As far as aversions go, I still am not into Mexican as much, like with Gabriel I wanted Taco Bell all of the time, and with this little one, I haven't touched the stuff. I do enjoy a lot of chips and salsa though.
Gender:
We find out Tuesday! I have no idea! I can't wait!
What I miss:
This is easy. I had a stressful work week. This week I wanted margaritas and wine like no other! I had to settle for chocolate.
What I'm looking forward to:
This week, we find out if this baby is a Lucy or a Chet, so I am really excited to order my baby bedding, so that we can match up a paint sample and start really working on the nursery. Has anyone used Baby SuperMall online? I found some great deals on that web site..
Emotions:
I get pretty irratible still...and exhausted easily. I feel like a failure if I can't get enough accomplished, whereas when I wasn't pregnant I just accepted the fact that I wasn't superwoman..this week I wanted to be Superwoman...
Weekly Wisdom:
I have to take care of me first. I was working a lot of 14 hour days this week, and I was so tired and busy that I couldn't remember if I even had any water or took my folic acid. I have to take care of me, and quit work by 5..no matter what.
Anything Else to Share:
I am currently dealing with the dreaded purple stretchmark epidemic. I keep using lotion like crazy, but they are there...that really freaks me out, because it makes me feel yucky. I ordered some stuff from Avon in order to help me with this problem! :-)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
One Year in Heaven
A year ago today, Gabriel was born.
He died one year ago yesterday.
I can't believe its been a year already.
Sometimes I feel bad, like I am not acting right. I am sure being pregnant successfully helps, but it doesn't take the pain away some days, when I know I should be toting Gabriel around with me. I do things that are still grief related...like not record things for this baby I am carrying. I know I will regret it, but every time I sit down to record things in the belly book or take of picture of my belly, something stops me, and I am sure its the fear of something going wrong and having to stuff all of those memories in a box, tuck them deep inside of me where no one can see.
That day of shoving Gabriel's stuff in a memory box about killed me, so I am sure that is why I am not doing anything but trying to enjoy this pregnancy while I have it.
That day, I changed. And I haven't changed all the way back yet, although time did bring a sense of calm, but not understanding. "Time can heal what reason cannot." Somewhat.
Today is going to be a quiet day. Its gloomy and grey, similar to how it was when my son was born. I get very defensive that people don't remember. Like Gabriel was a miscarriage. He wasn't a miscarriage, but I lost him so early, people think it was. And even if he was, "just", as I heard people say, why does that make him any less important? That infuriates me. Gabriel isn't really treated like a baby that was born into a family. I don't know what to do about my feelings about that.
Next weekend, my mom, sis, and I are going to do a Remembrance Walk in honor of babies gone too soon. It is being held at a nice flower garden park in the area. I am going to wear an elephant necklace, as people bring tokens of remembrance for their babies.
Baby Gabriel,
I think of you everyday, always will. I feel your baby brother or sister squirming inside of me, and I can't help but mourn the fact that I never felt you. I did see you though, sweet baby. I can imagine how you are going to spend your day, cuddling up with a story that Grandma Mary is reading you, or sitting on a comfy cloud with other angel babies. Maybe you are looking down on me and your daddy. We are always looking up at the clouds and the stars, thinking of you. It has been one year, and although you come to me in different ways and tell me its going to be alright, I still seek peace and understanding. You were a love of my life, baby boy. I will never forget holding you a year ago today, and I take comfort in the fact that as I was holding your earthly body, Jesus, our Lord, was holding you and me at the same time.
I love you,
Mommy
He died one year ago yesterday.
I can't believe its been a year already.
Sometimes I feel bad, like I am not acting right. I am sure being pregnant successfully helps, but it doesn't take the pain away some days, when I know I should be toting Gabriel around with me. I do things that are still grief related...like not record things for this baby I am carrying. I know I will regret it, but every time I sit down to record things in the belly book or take of picture of my belly, something stops me, and I am sure its the fear of something going wrong and having to stuff all of those memories in a box, tuck them deep inside of me where no one can see.
That day of shoving Gabriel's stuff in a memory box about killed me, so I am sure that is why I am not doing anything but trying to enjoy this pregnancy while I have it.
That day, I changed. And I haven't changed all the way back yet, although time did bring a sense of calm, but not understanding. "Time can heal what reason cannot." Somewhat.
Today is going to be a quiet day. Its gloomy and grey, similar to how it was when my son was born. I get very defensive that people don't remember. Like Gabriel was a miscarriage. He wasn't a miscarriage, but I lost him so early, people think it was. And even if he was, "just", as I heard people say, why does that make him any less important? That infuriates me. Gabriel isn't really treated like a baby that was born into a family. I don't know what to do about my feelings about that.
Next weekend, my mom, sis, and I are going to do a Remembrance Walk in honor of babies gone too soon. It is being held at a nice flower garden park in the area. I am going to wear an elephant necklace, as people bring tokens of remembrance for their babies.
Baby Gabriel,
I think of you everyday, always will. I feel your baby brother or sister squirming inside of me, and I can't help but mourn the fact that I never felt you. I did see you though, sweet baby. I can imagine how you are going to spend your day, cuddling up with a story that Grandma Mary is reading you, or sitting on a comfy cloud with other angel babies. Maybe you are looking down on me and your daddy. We are always looking up at the clouds and the stars, thinking of you. It has been one year, and although you come to me in different ways and tell me its going to be alright, I still seek peace and understanding. You were a love of my life, baby boy. I will never forget holding you a year ago today, and I take comfort in the fact that as I was holding your earthly body, Jesus, our Lord, was holding you and me at the same time.
I love you,
Mommy
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